Friday, December 12, 2014

My Slooowww Weight Loss

Well, I just thought I'd check in and say that things are still very good, but I'm not really losing weight as fast as I expected. Of course, that is not keeping me from enjoying my this new healthy lifestyle of mine, but I know it's not just the common reaction I'd have to my weight loss in the past; for instance, in the last two weeks, I've only lost two pounds, which seems a little unusual. Don't get me wrong, I was still happy to see that, but I do exercise frequently now, and my net calorie intake has been low enough that I should be seeing faster weight loss. Actually, I even went to my doctor the other day, and he was the one who pointed out that my metabolism must be slow because of my thyroid, and that if we can get my metabolism up, maybe my weight loss will speed up (I actually never mentioned anything to him about my slow weight loss). That old thyroid issue is popping up again, and hopefully, now that I have a new doctor (who continually says that all my symptoms point directly to my thyroid) maybe I can finally get to the bottom of it. Maybe I can feel normal again, and lose that fatigue that I've had for the last five years or so! (Two other doctors couldn't help because my blood work comes back normal, even though I did have to have a biopsy done for enlarged thyroid nodules...but it couldn't be something to do with my thyroid? I don't know about that, but I won't get into it, lol!)


Anyway, I can now say that I'm down 27 lbs. and very happy about that! So that's more than 4 of those 5 lb. bags of sugar I mentioned before that I'm no longer carrying around with me, when I think about it! In fact, I will need to get some new pants now, because I look a little ridiculous in the baggy pants I have had since I started, and they don't stay up anymore.


The only thing I need to really start thinking about is how I'm going to change up my cardio routine, since it's winter and it's toooo cold to walk outside. I love my elliptical machine, but as you probably know, it's necessary to do something different once in a while.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Finding my East

Well, the last couple of days have been a little tough, but I made it through pretty well. For starters, I took a four-day-weekend away from exercising (I still stayed under / close to my calorie goal, but I really need to try to walk or do anything whenever I can).

A few nights ago, I had this horrible neck pain, so I took a muscle relaxer a little later in the evening than I should have because it was keeping me awake. I have a whole bottle of muscle relaxers, but I rarely ever use them unless I'm in so much pain that it is disruptive, so I sometimes forget how drowsy it makes me feel the next day. I took one at about 11:00 pm (10 mg of Flexeril), and I could not get myself out of bed the next morning (this was Monday). I had to wake up my husband to put my son on the bus because I felt so woozy. So needless to say, the rest of the day dragged on forever.

I didn't get much accomplished at work because I couldn't think clearly. I kept pushing through, but by mid-afternoon, I was so tired, and I was starting to have these intense cravings for sweets. I know it was because I felt so sleepy because I hadn't felt like that in quite some time. I just wanted to eat, and I couldn't re-center myself (for lack of a better term). I do remember that I went over my calorie limit that day, but I calculated my BMR, and at my height and weight, I can afford just slightly under 2,300 calories per day without gaining (or losing) weight. (BTW, I found this great BMR calculator, which will be really helpful when I get my weight down enough that I just need to maintain it: http://www.bmi-calculator.net/ ).This is good to know for those days when I feel like I want to splurge a little! But this was not supposed to be one of those days. I also skipped my exercise that day because I simply didn't have the energy.

So I picked up my regular workout / eating routine again on Tuesday and made it through with no problem, but then yesterday (which started out fine), I had kind of a tough day at work. It wasn't any big deal, but I get this really bad social anxiety when I am talking to people I don't know, and I had met a new client that afternoon while I was also in the middle of working on something else, and I had that other thing on my mind. I shook her hand and started talking to her, but then my mind drew a blank. My words started coming out jumbled up, and I think I said something that sounded stupid (ahh my social charm, lmao) and it just messed me up for the rest of the day. I hate coming across as an idiot, and I was so embarrassed by it, that I felt really anxious all day. It wasn't even like it was a big deal, like I said, but there's something about me being in social situations that usually leaves me feeling awful for a long time. (This weekend, I'm throwing my son's birthday party, and there will be several people I don't know there, so that's not helping matters either). Well, anyway, I started working on some stuff to go on my son's birthday cake (I'm making a Cocoa Krispies Treat Minecraft house) and I ended up eating more than my share of Cocoa Krispies Treats. I kept saying, in my head, "ok, that's good. You don't need anymore. That's enough." I couldn't stop! Still, my calorie count for the day wasn't too bad, but I did go over my goal (I did exercise, too; I really needed it to burn away some of that anxiety, and that helped).

Anyway, my point is that some days, it's still very tough to control my tendency to eat unhealthily, or overeat. I may try to make it seem like it's easy all the time, now that I'm in "my mode", but there are days when it's going to be a lot to handle. I need to allow myself days like that without feeling bad about it. I was able to get back on track, but in the past, if I'd had a couple of bad days, I'd have let it ruin all the progress I've made so far. I note this morning is my 57th day logging into My Fitness Pal, and I don't think I've ever done that for this long, which definitely reminds me that I'm in it for the long haul this time. I just need to keep this in mind, and keep "finding my east", and pushing forward. :)

Friday, November 14, 2014

Enjoying a Healthy Lifestyle

So I weighed myself this morning, and I'm finally back at 251, so it looks like I can sort of pick up where I left off with the "progress" photos, which are a lot of fun. I think that getting my weight below 250 will really help me to stay motivated (not that I'm not motivated now, but I know that in the past, this is what I have had issues with; the fact that I need things to happen "now, now, now" lol). Anyway, it's been a long time since I've weighed less than 250, so I am glad to see that my patience and perseverance has been paying off.

It has also been great that I now see the whole thing differently than what I used to. I look at my health in terms of a whole, rather than a little challenge here, a big challenge there, etc., and only in terms of my weight. I mean that I am really focused on taking care of my body now (you only get one!) and anything I choose to do will contribute to that. For instance, I did my 40 minute walk yesterday morning after putting my son on the bus, then later on I saw an opportunity to take another walk, and we all went as a family and walked around town together. I didn't see it as "oh, double exercise today! Ugh!!" I'm doing it in a way that I can enjoy it, I'm keeping it interesting (going to different places, never walking in the same area twice within a period of two weeks). I don't wake up anymore with the mentality that "I have to do this, I can't stop now or I won't do it anymore". In fact, I really don't even think about it now, I just get out and enjoy it whenever I feel like it, and always with the understanding that I will feel good afterwards. Regardless of what it looks like, I am slowly re-learning to love my body in any shape it's in, so I don't feel guilty about going a little over my ideal calorie limit once in a while. I have always been a little too hard on myself over those things. I think this is what they mean when they say it has to be less about diet and exercise, and more about a change in your lifestyle.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

The Little Things

I was visiting my father, and I felt pretty good when he noticed that I had lost weight. I can tell the difference by looking at my face and my skin; when I'm in my "I couldn't care less" mode, my skin is pale, and I look almost sick. That probably has something to do with my poor circulation (which, by the way, has been great lately, and it actually makes me feel more energetic). Nowadays, my skin looks healthy, and full of color. I don't have to pry my wedding ring off of my finger when I need to, it slides off pretty easily. My old pants are starting to fit me again. It's the little things! It's all about being patient, and just experiencing my life. :)

I have decided that I am only going to weigh myself every two weeks. I don't need to be concerning myself with my weight all the time. I think every other Friday would be good, which is what I've been doing.

Anyway, things are still going great, but I think I may have been over-exerting myself a bit while exercising, so today I just took a leisurely walk down the bike path. I almost felt guilty about it, but then I remembered my doctor asking me "can you walk 30 minutes a day?" and that helped. So today is about taking it a little easier (I really get into it when the music is playing, lol, or if it's been a particularly stressful day for whatever reason, I tend to push myself a little harder). I am noticing that my exercise is also getting easier, so I have to continue to increase the level on my elliptical. If you're like me, you never really think about this when you first start an exercise routine, but it's only so difficult in the beginning because you need to build up those muscles that you never used before. That is exactly what has happened. Plus, I need to start thinking about switching it up a little bit, which may become tougher in the winter. I may think about a gym membership again at some point, but no contracts!

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Happiness Is In This Moment

So I sometimes find, as I'm in the middle of a tough workout, that my mind will try to drift away from what's going on in that moment, and while I'm working out, it's usually to the next workout, and the next one, and the next one. I find myself thinking "wow...this is a hard workout. I don't know if I can do this tomorrow, and the next day and the next day!" I start to see my workouts as too overwhelming for me, and this can bring on the feeling that I don't like to exercise. You can see how this type of thinking can be poisonous; specifically, it is detrimental to that determination I have to keep up the routine. I am learning to bring my awareness back to the moment, and to experience the exertion that my body is putting out. I become present in the discomfort; I feel the sweat, and I listen to the music that I'm playing. Whenever my mind starts to drift again, I bring my focus back to the moment. I have never tried yoga, but I believe that is the point of it (along with the benefits to your health, of course!)

Whenever I exercise, I need to understand that I have started "this particular workout" because I made the choice to do it. I'm not forcing myself; I always have the option to stop halfway through, or not to start at all. I can go back to square one (and, if you have been reading my blog, you may know that "square one" was the day my doctor asked me "can you walk 30 minutes a day?") It's like we were told in the weight loss study: think of your healthy choices as "your east". It's always there, even if one day you stop making those healthy choices. You can always go back to your east.

I used to think of health as black and white, with no gray area: you're either counting calories, exercising and losing weight, or you're not. This is not the case, and it's that black and white thinking that has dragged me down every time I've tried to improve myself in the past. I kept doing it for the wrong reasons; I thought that losing weight would lead to happiness. Happiness is in this moment! I just need to experience the moment to experience happiness.

Monday, October 27, 2014

Still on Track

Checking in again! Still going, just as strong as ever, and my daily exercise and healthy eating / cooking light has become a solid routine for me. Exercising has become so much easier, and I find that I have to increase the level on my elliptical machine a little each week to keep it challenging. I feel so much stronger, and so much better generally; my circulation is better than it has been in a long time. I have lots of energy, and I'm not lazy (like I certainly was, which I hate to admit!) I sleep well at night. I am more interested in getting out and doing things; experiencing my life, and making my family's life better as well. I cook pretty much every night now; we have actually eliminated our weekly restaurant night, and we just go out for little celebrations (my son got his soccer trophy, so we took him to lunch afterwards on the weekend) and maybe the occasion when I don't feel like cooking, but I'm actually getting into it! My mother never taught me to cook, so once I was on my own, it was a real struggle for me (lots of trial and error, and discouragement, which usually made me want to eat out all the time). I'm not saying that to blame her for anything; she had 3 kids, and life was hectic for her at times! But it has taken some work for me to get to this point in my culinary skills, which I am quite proud of, and to cook low-calorie foods, no less, with a continually wonderful response from the family is so inspiring! Even my 8-year-old, who used to refuse to try anything new, eats the food I make from time to time (LOL) which says a lot!

Since I've started practicing mindfulness, I'm no longer in a hurry to lose weight. I don't have to force myself to exercise; it's just something that I do, at my leisure. While I used to be upset at losing "only five pounds" here and there, I can now see it as an accomplishment for myself, particularly when I think of what five pounds actually weighs. When I was little, I would help my mom carry in the groceries, and I used to hate carrying the 5 lb. bag of sugar because it was so heavy (I was pretty young, lol). I use that when I think about how much I've lost. That's not bad at all!

So according to My Fitness Pal, I have logged in every day for a month. Another not-so-little accomplishment for me! :)

Thursday, October 16, 2014

No Exercise This Week!

So I was walking for about 3 hours on Columbus Day (Monday) at this art festival, and while I was walking, I somehow pulled a muscle in my lower back. I've had sciatic problems off and on for years, but my back pain is really debilitating this time. I have no idea how I could have hurt it so bad just by walking! I think this means I really need to start focusing on toning my muscles and strengthening my core, which is something I really haven't been doing lately.

Anyway, needless to say, I've been resting it all week. In the past, I would have felt guilty about skipping exercise, which would have ended with me giving up on the whole thing (i.e., I would start eating mindlessly, and throw away the whole idea of being healthy). This time, though, I've been doing really well. I don't put so much thought into it, because it's more about my health than it is directly about losing weight (although weight loss obviously contributes a great deal to my health). I do try to ascertain whether it would be a good day to start getting back into my daily routine, but every time I move the wrong way, it prevents my back from healing (lol), so I understand that it's not the best time to start thinking about that. I remember when I was a part of the study by Brown University, they had told us that watching our calories is more effective than exercise, so I have kept that in mind as well.

I just feel a lot calmer in general, like I'm not overwhelmed by stress the way I used to be, and I am more equipped to handle anything that comes my way. Of course, being mindful has enabled me to feel this way. I make it a point to take at least a few minutes here and there to practice mindfulness. There are no rules to being mindful; a few minutes here and there is better than nothing. In the meantime, I'll continue to enjoy this "peace" I have found, and focus on being present in the moment, rather than waiting for the day when my back pain will go away so I can exercise again. :)

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Still Going Strong

Just thought I would check in to say that everything is still going very well. I log in to My Fitness Pal every day to keep track of everything. I am not weighing myself every day like I said I was going to do last year, because that's not what this whole thing is about, but I did go back to my doctor and found that I did lose 4 lbs.; that was last week, so I don't know how much progress I've made to date.

I have been impressing myself with my will power. On the occasional restaurant night (I mean very occasional; it's not even once a week anymore, which is great) I look for healthier options, and I don't feel like I'm depriving myself at all! My husband and son even wanted to stop at Newport Creamery after dinner to get a milkshake, and I was not even remotely interested, but I still went with them. When I said I didn't want anything (I was more concerned with keeping my blood pressure down, because when it gets up there, I feel very uncomfortable, and the sodium content of my meal was a bit on the high side) my husband looked at me like I was nuts, lol. But again, what's important is that I didn't feel like I was depriving myself. I am able to look at food as something that I am always lucky enough to have around whenever I need it; just a part of life, and not something that I need to use to fill a void. I feel so much more focused and balanced, and so much better physically as well. I couldn't be happier with the way things have been so far. :)

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Zen for Overeating

So to get into what I'm doing a little bit, as I've said, I've started meditating every day, the way I used to about five years back, when I was at peak mental and physical health (for me, anyway). It's never perfect, not as of yet, anyway, but there really isn't a "wrong way" to meditate, and any little bit of time spent doing it helps. See, for a long time, I used to think that I wasn't doing it right, since several years ago, I saw myself as a person who knew pretty much everything about it; I was doing it "right", I was balanced, etc. etc. The thing is that I am not a different person than I was back then, and that is something I need to continue to understand. I am still the same "me". No matter how well I may have dealt with stress then, no matter how dedicated I was compared to how I am now, I am still, and have always been, the same person. I have become accustomed to referring to myself (in my mind, of course, not out loud, or people might think I'm crazy) to "Monica today" vs. "Monica yesterday". This is what I sometimes thought about when dieting; "today is different. This time will be different." It just does not work that way. If I over-indulge one day, it doesn't make sense to say "well, I blew it today, I'll just pick it back up tomorrow". I won't be a different person; it won't erase all the damage I've done by letting myself get away with it today! This is one of my biggest mistakes when it comes to weight loss.

One of the great things about meditation is that it has helped me to bring constant awareness to myself. It's not something I always have to do while sitting alone, and perfectly still. When I walk, I meditate, and it makes it a much more enjoyable experience. When I'm at work, and I'm at my desk, in between phone calls and anything that requires my perfect attention, I focus on my body, and clear my mind. I'm getting so much better at clearing my mind, but I still need to keep working on it! At first, it is hard to make this a part of life. You have to do it any chance you get. For instance, right now, as I sit here typing, and I stop to take a break, I will bring my body into focus; focus on my breath, and when a thought pops into my head, acknowledge it and return the focus to my breath. As I continue to focus on my breath, I can start to focus on the feeling of sitting in my chair, my feet on the floor, my fingers on the keyboard, my clothing, and slowly to the room I'm sitting in, the noises, the temperature, etc. If my mind tries to say "oh, maybe tomorrow I should..." (and believe me, it will) I let the thought pass, and bring the attention back to my breath and my body. This is what it is to "wake up to your life" and live in the moment. Living in the past, or the future, (and I'm sorry, but I have to quote my favorite band here, lol) "separates the body from the mind", and that's where we run into problems. Self-awareness resolves this problem. Over time, it becomes easier to do this, and it can be done while driving, or basically doing anything. So doing this will also make me more aware of what I'm doing to my body. If I'm anxious, I can understand that I'm anxious, and allow myself to be anxious, but focus on keeping the awareness, clearing my mind, etc. Doing this regularly has eased that constant need for self-medication, which in my case, is food. I won't eat mindlessly if I am always mindful.

Amazingly, I have known all of this for some time. I knew it, and I even preached it, but I stopped doing it myself. I have even heard it from people for years. My therapist would tell me to do this, and my response would be "yeah, I know what you mean. I used to do this all the time", and I wouldn't do it, I'd just continue on the same destructive path I was on. Same thing with the obesity study; what they were really trying to do was teach us how to control our emotions so that we could control our eating. My response, again, was "oh yeah, I know what you're doing, blah blah, I know how to do it" and I didn't do it. I think I even started to talk about it on this blog some time ago!! But do you think I practiced what I preached? Nope. It's so much easier to say to someone, "hey, stop worrying! Take some breaths!" than it is to do it yourself. And yet, it's so simple!

I have started to realize that I can't expect results right away. A flower grows, but you don't see it grow because it takes a lot of time (while you're usually busy running around like crazy, lol). I was taking on too much stuff at once, and expecting immediate results. It has been the same with many other things I do in my life; learning other languages, playing piano, etc. I was too focused on the end result, and not enjoying the ride. I'm finally learning to do that again, and my reasons are not to lose weight per se, but so that I can improve my life, which is pretty much what zen is all about, right? After all, I can't experience life to its fullest potential if I don't take care of myself.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Hello Again

Ok! Sooo I haven't written a post since February, which would have been approximately seven months ago. Wow.

The thing is that I was so sure I was just going to throw in the towel on this whole "get fit, get healthy" idea. In fact, during the last seven months, it always seemed like I was quitting and starting again every other week. I'm sure that a lot of people know what I mean...Sunday night, you say to yourself "this is a new week". You have one "last meal", and you don't even want to know how many calories are in it, but it's the last one for a long time, so you'd better make it good. You wake up the next morning, and maybe you're still just as motivated, so you get cracking on that exercise, and you push yourself to your limit, probably because you're so inspired to shed those pounds. Middle of the week comes, and it feels a little more like a chore, but you're still in it. Then comes your "weekend off", and it all goes out the window because you never actually pick back up where you started like you said you would, and you just end up feeling bad about it all, until you decide to do it again the next week, or even the following week. A never-ending cycle, and this time, it's going to be different. It's always going to be different.

So you can imagine how I was starting to feel, week after week after week of doing this. I felt like a joke, like I was going nowhere fast, and making a show of it. Truth is, I really was at the point where I was looking in the mirror at myself, saying "well, I may as well get used to it, because I'm going to be like this forever. Maybe I should think about my good qualities..." I stopped trying to get back into my supposed "health kick" that was taking me on the road to nowhere, and just didn't really do anything. I started to become a miserable person, drinking every night after putting my son to bed, waking up hung-over and ready to argue with my husband for no apparent reason. I saw my doctor a month ago, and stepped on the scale (I hadn't done that in several months). I was at 275 lbs., the most I've ever weighed.

Interestingly, it was my doctor who sort of put me on the right path again. He wanted me to get blood work to check my cholesterol, and it was one of those "I don't even want to know" deals, but he pushed the weight issue. He asked me if I could walk for 30 minutes a day. Initially, I thought, where is that going to get me? I can't lose weight by walking! But again, that's not supposed to be the point here, it's supposed to be about getting better and improving my life in general. So it kind of stuck with me, and every day I started to say to myself "can you walk 30 minutes today? Yes, I can."

I didn't set another big goal aside from that, except for one thing: to stop eating fast food. Don't worry about your calories right now, don't worry about portion-sizes, just stop eating fast food, and start making everything you put into your body yourself (with the exception of the once-a-week restaurant night, but then the goal was to stay away from anything fried). It was tough; I almost immediately missed the convenience of it, but I was able to stick to that one goal. I didn't even get my coffee from Dunkin' Donuts; I made it myself each day. The aim was to focus on one thing at a time. Again, my problem is that I am an extremely anxious, and otherwise emotional person. I eat my emotions. I have an addictive personality, but food is my vice. If I were to start doing drugs or put all my focus into something like gambling to relieve some of those emotions, I would need one of those other things as a crutch. It's not something that I can just up and say "well, this week, I'm going to eat normal!" Doesn't work that way. I remember before my wedding, I told someone that I was going to easily lose 40 lbs. in two months, and it actually made me put on weight. I'm blown away that I used to think that I could do it!

So here I am, walking every day and not eating fast food, but still, I have that urge to rush right home from work and stuff myself after a tough day, or maybe stuff myself because I'm agitated at someone, or go out for a night with my husband and stuff myself because "it's my day off". That urge to swing through the drive-thru is something I still have to push away, although it's not overly difficult. Obviously, that isn't going to help with losing weight. Then I remembered how I used to practice zen regularly. I meditated every single day. I was completely emotionally balanced about five years ago, and since my mom passed away, I could never quite find my way back to that inner peace I felt beforehand.

So I recently started to meditate, and it has basically helped me to wake up to my life. I have been working on being present in my body at all times. Whenever I am overcome by some emotion, I return to my breath, and bring back the awareness I have of my body and my surroundings. I'm finding that I am not interested in food anymore, except for the purpose of nourishment. I am finally able to discipline myself (meditation and self-awakening takes a lot of discipline, especially if you are prone to stress like I am, but trust me, it is worth it!) I will talk more about this later on, but for now, I need to sleep (I've also been exercising every day, at my own pace, and it makes me very tired at night, whereas I used to stay up all night because the quality of my sleep was so poor). I'll just leave off by saying this: things are finally becoming clear to me again. My only reason now for wanting to lose weight is to improve my health and the quality of my life, and I think those are the right reasons. I'm interested to see where this takes me, but I will be living in each moment, always, and not worrying about the future! :)

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Checking In!

I just thought I'd check in and make a note that things have been going really well. I don't struggle with cravings anywhere near as badly as I used to. I have been exercising regularly, at least every weekday, and I do it at my convenience. I know a lot of people say it's best to schedule a daily time to do that, but it seems to me that when I relax about it and do it when I am ready, I don't feel like I am obligated to do it. I only do it with my health in mind (not to burn calories or anything else, but to feel better and enjoy my life). Also, I have not weighed myself since the last time I checked in here. I only know that I am eating mindfully, and exercising regularly, both with the intention of improving the quality of my life. On our restaurant night, I don't look for meals with large portions sizes; I am more interested in trying new things, whether they are small or low-calorie or whatever.

It's only been a couple of weeks since I've started to really take responsibility for my emotional eating habits, and I haven't had many urges to go to the refrigerator as a result of some emotion I am feeling. I am doing very well with recognizing these emotions now, and feeling them rather than pushing them away, then letting them go as easily as they came. I am reminded of the many Zen teachings I have learned, that a feeling is just a visitor; it comes and goes. :) I am learning a lot about myself through this experience, and in a way, I'm glad that I have had the chance to endure it. I am slowly learning from mistakes I have made in the past, rather than repeating them.

 I have also come to the realization that it is very helpful to have an outlet for all of this energy I have (which can also be in the form of some emotion), and I have decided to do some things I have always wanted to do, but never have. For instance, I have always wanted to learn how to read music and play an instrument, but never had the drive to do it, and in the past couple of years, I have thought that I am too old to start now (I'm 30). However, I come from a very musical family on both sides, and I can sing well (and have, over a few years, developed a strong appreciation for classical music and opera) and now I am realizing that I still have the rest of my life, however long that may be. It's not too late to start now! So that's what I have been focusing on. I initially wanted to play the violin (because I absolutely love the sound of it), but I feel it would be easier to learn on the piano. I am also getting back into sketching portraits, which I have done on and off (my mother was an artist, and I've tried many times to follow in her footsteps) but I always refer to myself as "an impatient person", a.k.a. set limits on myself. This is no longer an excuse.

So that's where it all stands right now; I am doing very well so far, and for the first time in many years, I think I am really seeing my life for what it is and learning to let go of this crutch I have had for so long. I am excited to see where this takes me! :)

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

An Outsider's Perspective

Ok, so I know it has been quite a long time since I've come back here. It has been tough, I can't lie. I have felt so frustrated most of the time, like I am trying to light a fire, but it keeps going out. I think I may have finally found the right path though.

I dropped out of the research program because I felt like I was under too much pressure. I could not deal with constantly writing everything down that I was eating, just so someone could get out their red pen at the end of each week and make their notes and comments. I felt like I was doing everything wrong. I would weigh in each week, and sometimes I'd lost a couple of lbs; other times, it was way up. I couldn't face feeling embarrassed about myself all the time anymore. I do feel really terrible about it, because one of the conditions I agreed to when I entered was that I would not stop coming to sessions, and I would not drop out. I made up a story and told them I couldn't come back anymore, and they still call and email me (and have been doing so for the past few months). It's hard to think about that, and I definitely feel guilty about it.

I did acknowledge, though, that I have a pretty big problem, in that I have had no luck with controlling myself, and I went to a therapist. She said that there are a lot of people like me who eat compulsively, in response to emotions. I understand now that ever since I was very little, I have had a hard time trying to figure out what to do with any negative (and sometimes, even positive) emotions that I was feeling. I couldn't express them (I won't go into detail about that) so I sought comfort in food, and this coping mechanism has stayed with me my whole life. I honestly never wanted to look at the hard fact - that my eating habits really are different from everyone else's, and I can't become a healthier person until I fix that.

I bought a notebook and started the practice of actually listening to my body for the first time. I was reluctant to do this (the therapist advised it) because I kept thinking yeah, yeah; I know how I'm feeling when I get the urge to eat. I don't need to write it down, it's always that I'm either stressed or bored. But I did it anyway because I was desperate at that point, and not getting anywhere just trying to do it alone. I would recognize when I got the urge to eat, then ask myself whether it was because I was hungry or not. If so, it was time to eat and that's that. If not, what am I feeling? Amazingly, I found that I frequently felt many emotions, not just stress from work or boredom, but other uncomfortable emotions and physical feelings as well. For instance, I would often eat in response to social anxiety (which I feel often). Talking to people on the phone, or selling stuff to Craigslist buyers. Other times, I am overtired. Sometimes, I'm frustrated or angry at my husband or my son. Writing it down has helped me a lot, and at first, I wrote it down and ate anyway, but then I started to recognize these feelings automatically, and it actually took away the urge to eat. It's the same with portion size; I will put a reasonably portioned amount of food on the plate, and if I have the urge to eat more, I ask myself what I am feeling.

Another thing the therapist helped me with is to recognize when I am limiting myself. I have always seen myself as someone who can't finish anything. I do this with everything; if I start a new hobby (i.e. cake decorating) I see myself as someone who started to get into cake decorating, but because I can never finish what I start, I can't do it anymore. I have always defined myself this way, and it contributes to my downfall. It was the same with losing weight; I got down to 200 lbs, but since I can't finish anything, that's the lowest my weight has ever been in my adult life. Once I take this limit off myself, I can do anything. :) See, sometimes it helps to have an outside perspective!

So now I am listening to my body, and I have been doing this without faltering for about a week now. I'm not counting calories, and I'm not writing down what I am eating; but I am choosing to eat healthfully, I'm portioning my food within reason, and being mindful of when my body is no longer hungry. I exercise, not with the intention of losing weight, but to improve the quality of my life (because I know that if I don't, I will have no energy to successfully face the challenges of my daily life). If I keep this up, I know that I will be just fine. I actually thought I had put back on the 20 lbs. I'd lost since I last checked in, but I was at the doctor's today, and I was pleasantly surprised to see that I weigh 254 lbs, so I can almost pick up where I left off. So that is promising! :)