Rough week for calorie counting!

I have been doing great so far with watching my calories and fat, and I really haven't exceeded my 1500 calorie limit since I started in the weight loss program. But this week and last week have been very stressful, and lately I find myself thinking about eating a lot.

It was strange because this morning (it wasn't even 11:00) I was just sitting here, waiting for my father to call me and let me know when to pick him up from the airport. Earlier this morning, I took a 40 minute walk, and I was feeling pretty good, which is quite a change from how I've been feeling (yesterday, I didn't exercise at all). So not even an hour ago, I was sitting in front of the computer, thinking how I wanted something to eat, even though I'd had a good breakfast only a couple of hours ago. I have a weakness for Chipotle, which I haven't had in months (seems like forever); the reason being that I can't keep myself from ordering a burrito that contains a day's worth of calories and fat. So somehow I got to obsessing over Chipotle, and the next thing I know, I'm on their website (the "order online" menu). I caught myself and used the "I'm having the thought that I want a burrito from Chipotle" technique I learned in the program, and I closed the window. I figured I would have half of my lunch then to get it out of my head, which was leftover Italian Beef Polenta Casserole from last night, with the intention of having the other half at lunch time. Well, I had that and then I saw the ice cream bars in the freezer, and I just couldn't keep myself from thinking about them too! I had the ice cream bar, and now it's not even lunch time and my calories for today already amount to almost 600. I am just dumbfounded at how difficult this is for me, compared to how easy it was in the past. I never found myself struggling with such intense thoughts before. When I weighed in on Monday, I found that I'd only lost 1 lb., which was a hard thing to take in.

Anyway, let me go ahead and explain why these past couple of weeks have been so stressful. First and foremost (I don't think I've talked about any of this yet), I have been having some kind of problem with my thyroid. I have been dealing with intense fatigue and horrible brain fog for at least a couple of years now, which my first doctor just kept shrugging off. She pissed me off for the last time (I won't go into detail) so I went to a new doctor, who found that my thyroid was enlarged on the FIRST VISIT. So he sent me for an ultrasound a couple of months ago, which revealed multiple nodules, one of which is over 2 cm. I followed up on that by getting a thyroid scan at the hospital. I went to see my dr. about the scan and he told me that it showed the nodule is "cold", meaning it is not functional, meaning it is suspicious for cancer. I have to go for a fine needle biopsy on Monday (they will insert the needle into my neck and remove some of the cells, then test them for cancer). This is obviously on my mind a lot, so there's that. (Happy birthday to me btw, LOL).

My father (who, if you don't know, I work for as his paralegal) went away last Wednesday with his father to Florida, just to spend some time with him I guess, because he loves FL. Right now, we have a case in which he was supposed to enter pro hac vice with an attorney who is licensed in MA (he's not licensed outside of RI). The attorney whose name IS on the case does not do trials, but my dad does, and he needed her to sign on to it so he could take this MA case to trial. It ended up in federal court because the client's medical bills (she slipped & fell) exceeded $75,000. Neither of them are licensed to practice in federal court, so my father has been trying to transfer the case to someone who is, but they have not entered their appearance yet. So just after he leaves for FL, the court schedules a pretrial conference. Suddenly, I'm stuck trying like hell to get the judge to allow for a continuance or get the new attorney to enter his appearance, but he's not returning anyone's phone calls. I did a motion for a continuance, which has been a nightmare because everything in federal court must be done electronically, but since no one is licensed in federal court, we can't access the electronic filing system. Finally, I got the defendant's attorney to offer to file it for us. Now it's up to the judge to grant it, but I honestly don't think he's going to because the only time they usually grant them is if the attorney of record is involved in another trial, which is not the case. If he doesn't do it, the attorney who signed on with us will have to go to Boston and go before the judge to do something she's never done before in her life, which is especially not good because she has scheduling issues of her own. This has been driving me crazy all week!

Finally, I am dealing with these very annoying problems that the insurance company has suddenly dealt me. My husband, who works at Foxwoods, pays for health insurance to cover the family. The rule now is that employees and their spouses must meet the following three requirements before October 31 of this year, and every subsequent year, or our medical contribution will increase up to $1,500 per year:

1. We have to get an annual physical.
2. We have to have a "biometrics" form filled out, stating our cholesterol levels, BMI, etc.
3. We have to speak with a wellness coach through the insurance company.

Well, I thought I had done ALL of this already. I had the physical in August... at least the nurse told me it was a physical. I guess though that it wasn't coded as a physical, so it didn't count as one, and now I have to go back for a physical next week. How does that make any sense? I don't know. I...don't...know...

I spoke with what I thought was a wellness coach around the same time (I got the phone # from my husband's employee newsletter, which said "WELLNESS COACH" and a phone number next to it). I guess I called the wrong place! Although, I did speak with someone over the phone about my health and losing weight, etc., and when I asked them if they were a wellness coach, they said yes. I also asked if the phone call would be reported to my husband's employer, and they said yes...so I don't know what the hell is going on with that, I guess I must have called some random place and discussed my health information with them. Try to figure that one out!! So this all has to be done immediately, or we are going to end up paying more for our health insurance, which is not cool.

To top it all off, I have been feeling so bad lately! Yesterday I didn't even go in to work because I was too nervous to drive! I can't describe how I am feeling, it's just the most intense brain fog, like I'm seriously disconnected from reality, and I cannot think clearly. I suppose the stress could be making it worse, so I don't know how to deal with it because I can't relax. All I know is that I hope they can figure out what is going on with me soon and fix it. I cannot see myself dealing with this for the rest of my life. I also started feeling some chest pain with each heartbeat yesterday on two separate occasions, so if that continues, I will have to see what's going on there (maybe it's related to the thyroid? I dunno).

Well, I got way off the topic of emotional eating, but now you can probably understand why this week has really been pushing me to find some kind of comfort somewhere. I am not doing too bad right now, it's just a matter of keeping it that way for the moment. I have to keep reminding myself that I am working too hard to give up now! Thanks for reading, and I will let you know how things go with the biopsy after my follow-up.

Some of my favorite light recipes

One of the problems I normally have when it comes to eating healthy is sticking to a regular meal plan. Since I started this program last month, as I have said, I started getting "light" cook books from the library every week or so, and if you are a good cook, you probably know that a lot of it is definitely trial and error. I like to try to use seasonal fruits and vegetables whenever possible, so I absolutely love Cooking Light's seasonal recipes.
I would like to post some of my (and my family's) favorite low-cal recipes to date. This is good for me as well because, while I do have a record of every single thing I've eaten since the program began, it's hard to keep track of the favorites v. the non-favorites, and it's also kind of hard to keep track of anything when every meal I've eaten is scribbled in a little notebook. So here are a few of the best ones (with pictures, when available!)

 

Greek Chicken and Spinach Pie

(Weight Watchers Points Plus Power Foods Cookbook)

My husband was absolutely crazy about this, and "would eat this every day" if he could (which, I'm telling you, says a whole lot about it). I will add the recipe for the yogurt sauce, but we have not tried it yet. Every time I make this, I forget to make the yogurt sauce, but it is just that good alone.

Serves 6 (1 wedge per serving)
239 calories
7 grams of fat

Ingredients:

1 lb. ground skinless chicken breast
1 onion, chopped
1 garlic clove, minced
1/2 tsp. curry powder
1/2 tsp. ground cinnamon
1/4 tsp. allspice
1/4 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. black pepper
1/2 cup tomato sauce
1 (10 oz.) package frozen chopped spinach, thawed and squeezed dry
1 cup crumbled, reduced fat feta cheese
2 large egg whites, lightly beaten
8 (9x14") sheets of frozen phyllo, thawed

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 375°. Spray a 9" pie plate with cooking spray.
2. To make filling, spray a large nonstick skillet with cooking spray and set over medium heat. Add chicken and onion; cook, breaking up chicken with a wooden spoon until chicken is no longer pink, about 8 minutes. Add garlic, curry powder, cinnamon, allspice, salt and pepper; cook, stirring frequently, until fragrant, about 1 minute. Stir in tomato sauce and simmer until mixture is thickened, about 5 minutes. Transfer filling to large bowl. Stir in spinach, feta and egg whites.
3. Lay 1 phyllo sheet in pie plate; lightly spray with cooking spray. Keep remaining phyllo dough covered with a damp paper towel and plastic wrap. Repeat with 3 of the remaining sheets, placing corners at different angles and lightly spraying with cooking spray. Spoon filling into crust.
4. Top filling with remaining 4 phyllo sheets, repeating layering and spray. Roll up edges of phyllo toward center to form 1 1/2" wide rim.
5. Bake until phyllo is golden brown, 30 - 35 minutes. Let stand 5 minutes before serving. Cut into 6 wedges.

Yogurt Sauce:

Ingredients:

3/4 cup plain yogurt
1/2 of an English (seedless) cucumber, chopped
1 scallion, sliced
1/4 tsp. salt

(Mix all ingredients; drizzle evenly over pie).

Pumpkin Ravioli with Gorgonzola Sauce

(Cooking Light: Cooking Through the Seasons)

I thought this would be good because we occasionally eat the Lean Cuisine or Healthy Choice pumpkin or butternut squash ravioli, which we like a lot. This was wonderful, and my husband was actually pleasantly surprised by it (he's not usually a fan of Gorgonzola cheese, which tastes a bit like blue cheese, so I was surprised). Even my son, who never eats anything I make unless it's chicken nuggets or spaghetti (lol) ate all of his. It takes a little extra effort (pinching each individual wonton to that they are all sealed was a bit of a pain) but I thought it was definitely well worth it.

Serves 6
250 calories per serving
9.1 grams of fat

Ingredients:

1 1/4 cups canned pumpkin
2 tbsp. dry breadcrumbs
2 tbsp. grated fresh parmesan cheese
1/2 tsp. salt
1/2 tsp. minced fresh sage
1/4 tsp. freshly ground black pepper
1/8 tsp. ground nutmeg
30 round wonton wrappers (usually found in the produce section where the tofu is located)
1 tbsp. cornstarch
Cooking spray
1 cup fat free milk
1 tbsp. all-purpose flour
1 1/2 tbsp. butter
1/2 cup (2 oz.) crumbled Gorgonzola cheese
3 tbsp. chopped hazelnuts, toasted (we actually used walnuts, and it was still fantastic)
Sage sprigs (optional)

Directions:

1. Spoon pumpkin onto several layers of heavy-duty paper towels, and spread to 1 1/2" thickness. Cover with additional paper towels; let stand 5 minutes. Scrape into a medium bowl using a rubber spatula. Stir in breadcrumbs, parmesan, salt, minced sage, pepper and nutmeg.
2. Working with one wonton wrapper at a time (cover remaining wrappers with a  damp towel to keep from drying), spoon 2 tsp. pumpkin mixture into center of wrapper. Brush edges of wrapper with water and fold in half, pressing edges firmly with fingers to form a half-moon. Place on a large baking sheet sprinkled with cornstarch. Repeat procedure with remaining wonton wrappers and pumpkin mixture.
3. Fill a large Dutch oven with water; bring to a simmer. Add half o ravioli to pan (cover remaining ravioli with a damp towel to keep from drying). Cook 4 minutes or until done (do not boil), stirring gently. Remove ravioli with a slotted spoon; lightly coat with cooking spray; keep warm. Repeat with remaining ravioli.
4. Combine milk and flour in a saucepan, stirring with a whisk. Bring to a boil; cook 1 minute or until thick, stirring constantly. Remove from heat. Add butter; stir until butter melts. Gently stir in Gorgonzola.
5. Place 5 ravioli in each of 6 shallow bowls, and drizzle each serving with 3 tablespoons Gorgonzola mixture. Sprinkle each serving with 1 1/2 tsp. hazelnuts. Garnish with sage sprigs, if desired. Serve immediately.

Coconut Chicken Tacos

(Hungry Girl 200 Under 200)

Again, my husband loved this one. Whenever I make something with chicken in it, I do my best to make something significantly different each time, because in my experience, too much chicken in my diet can become incredibly boring. This definitely does the trick. The part where you drape the tortillas over the oven rack was a bit of a pain because the tortillas would blow up like a balloon. After you press them flat again, though, they harden and it was fine.

Serves 4
198 calories per serving
2.25 grams of fat per serving

Ingredients:

12 ounces raw boneless skinless lean chicken breast, cut into strips
4 medium corn tortillas
1/2 cup sliced red bell pepper
1/4 cup sugar free, calorie free coconut syrup (*see note about this)
2 tbsp. pineapple salsa (or canned pineapple tidbits in juice mixed with regular salsa)
1/2 tbsp. fat-free sour cream (in place of sour cream, we always use plain Greek yogurt - it tastes the same)
1/2 tsp. garlic powder
1/8 tsp. salt

Directions:

1. Preheat oven 400°. Once oven is hot, use tongs to carefully drape tortilla over two grates in the oven rack, so that the tortilla hangs from the rack. Bake for about 5 minutes, or until tortilla forms a firm taco shell (Shell will harden completely after cooling). Use tongs to carefully remove shell, then let cool.
2. Place coconut syrup, garlic powder, and salt in medium pot. Add 1/2 cup water and mix well. Add chicken and pepper slices to the pot and bring to low heat on the stove.
3. Cook until chicken is thoroughly cooked and tender, stirring occasionally, about 15 minutes. Remove pot from heat and drain liquid completely.
4. Place chicken and bell pepper in the taco shell. Top with salsa and sour cream.

*If you can't find the coconut syrup, add an extra 1/2 cup water, 1 tsp. coconut extract, and 1 tbsp. Splenda (granulated).

Provencal Stuffed Tomatoes

(Fitness Magazine)

The original recipe for this is Provencal Stuffed Tomatoes, but I honestly didn't like the sound of that, so I did this with green peppers instead of tomatoes. Maybe you'd like to try it with the tomatoes. Anyway, regardless of how you do it, the filling was perfect, and even though my son doesn't like peppers or tomatoes, he did eat the filling! That is a step in the right direction! ;)

Serves 6 (1 tomato per serving)
259 calories per serving
9 grams of fat

Ingredients:

1 1/2 lbs. lean ground beef
1 large onion, chopped
1 large green bell pepper, chopped
2 garlic cloves, sliced
1 jar (16 oz.) marinara sauce
1/2 cup kalamata olives, chopped
2 tsp. Greek seasoning
1/4 tsp. salt
6 large ripe tomatoes
Fresh oregano to taste
6 tbsp. crumbled goat cheese

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 350°. Heat a large nonstick skillet  over medium-high heat. Add ground beef, onion, green pepper and garlic; cook 5 minutes. Stir in marinara sauce, olives, Greek seasoning and salt. Cook 5 more minutes, stirring occasionally.
2. Cut tops of tomatoes and spoon out pulp; fill with meat mixture. Bake stuffed tomatoes for 5 minutes.
3. Garnish each tomato with oregano and 1 tbsp. crumbled goat cheese. Serve.

 

Roasted Garlic and Butternut Squash Cassoulet

(Cooking Light: Cooking Through the Seasons)

I loved this, and we had plenty of leftovers. My husband and my son were not too sure about this at first because usually whenever I make anything with beans in it, they tend to be skeptical. The difference here is that the bacon (or pancetta, if you can find it) flavors the dish very well, and when they tried it, they both liked it a lot. This takes a while, but in my opinion, it's worth it!

Serves 8
259 calories per serving
7.7 grams of fat

Ingredients:

1 whole garlic head
4 ounces of pancetta, chopped (or regular smoked bacon, a little less)
2 cups vertically sliced onion
1 tbsp. olive oil
1 tbsp. white wine vinegar
4 1/2 cups of cubed peeled butternut squash (cubed to 1/2"; approximately 2 lbs.)
1/2 cup organic vegetable broth
1/2 tsp. dried thyme
1/4 tsp. salt
1/8 tsp. black pepper
4 (16 oz.) cans cannellini / other white beans, rinsed & drained
1 bay leaf
2 (1 oz.) slices of bread
2 tbsp. grated fresh parmesan cheese
1/2 tsp. olive oil
1 tbsp. chopped fresh parsley

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 350°. Remove papery skin from garlic (do not peel or separate the cloves). Wrap garlic head in foil. Bake at 350° for 1 hour; cool 10 minutes. Separate the cloves; squeeze to extract garlic pulp. Set half of garlic pulp aside; reserve remaining pulp for another use. Discard skins.
2. Heat a large dutch oven over medium-high heat. Add pancetta (or bacon); sauté 5 minutes or until crisp. Remove from pan / reserve drippings in pan. Add onion and 1 tbsp. olive oil to drippings in pan; sauté 5 minutes. Reduce to medium-low; cook 25 minutes or until onion is very tender, stirring frequently. Stir in vinegar.
3. Preheat oven to 375°. Add garlic pulp, pancetta (or bacon), squash and next 6 ingredients to onion mixture, stirring well. Place bread in food processor and pule until coarse crumbs measure 1 cup. Combine crumbs, parmesan and 1/2 tsp. olive oil; sprinkle over squash mixture. Cover and bake 50 minutes. Uncover and bake 15 minutes more. Discard bay leaf and sprinkle with parsley.

Spicy Shrimp Noodle Bowl

(Cooking Light magazine)

We found out that we all love rice noodles! My son who, until now, has always refused to even try shrimp, ate all of his! I did have to make a non-spicy version of it, though, only because he won't eat spicy foods. Even so, it was great. The noodles absorbed the flavor of the broth, and I was very happy with the outcome of this recipe.

Serves 4
236 calories per servng
3.6 grams of fat

Ingredients:

1 lb. tail-on peeled and deveined medium shrimp
1 1/2 cups of water
1 cup fat-free, lower sodium chicken broth
1 (8 oz.) bottle clam juice
2 (1/4" thick) slices peeled fresh ginger
1 tsp. olive oil
3/4 cups thinly sliced red bell pepper
1/4 cup thinly sliced yellow onion
1 garlic clove, minced
1/2 cup sugar snap peas
2 tsp. chili garlic sauce or 1/2 tsp. crushed red pepper (we omitted this part for my son)
1/4 tsp. salt
3 ounces uncooked rice sticks
2 tbsp. fresh cilantro leaves
Lime wedges

1. Remove shrimp tails; set aside. Combine shrimp tails, water, broth, clam juice, and ginger in a saucepan; bring to boil. Reduced heat, and simmer, uncovered, 10 minutes. Strain broth mixture through a sieve into a bowl; discard solids.
2. Heat olive oil in medium saucepan over medium-high heat. Add bell pepper, yellow onion, and garlic; sauté 3 minutes. Add reserved broth; bring to a simmer. Add shrimp, peas, chili garlic sauce, salt and noodles; cook 5 minutes or until noodles are done. Ladle 1 1/4 cups soup into each of 4 bowls; top each serving with 1 1/2 tsp. cilantro. Serve with lime wedges.

Light Italian Wedding Soup

(This was a Martha Stewart light cooking recipe; I can't remember what the name of the cookbook was)

My husband's thoughts on this were that the meatballs were fantastic, but the soup lacked noodles. I personally was not aware that Italian Wedding Soup usually had noodles in it...but then again, I really have not tried it before, aside from the canned versions. Anyway, you be the judge, and if you do wish to add noodles, just adjust the calorie / fat count, which is already considerably low.

Serves 6
250 calories per serving
9.8 grams fat

Ingredients:

1 lb. ground turkey
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 large egg, lightly beaten
1/2 cup dried plain bread crumbs
1/4 cup grated parmesan cheese + more for serving
Coarse salt & ground pepper
1 tbsp. olive oil
1 medium onion, thinly sliced
2 cans low-sodium chicken broth (14.5 oz.)
2 cans diced tomatoes in juice (14.5 oz.)
2 heads escarole, trimmed and coarsely chopped

Directions:

1. In large bowl, combine first 5 ingredients (1 tsp. salt + 1/4 tsp. pepper). Roll into balls.
2. In large pot, heat oil to medium. Cook onion until soft. Add broth and tomatoes, bring to simmer. Add meatballs and cook without stirring until they float to the surface (about 5 minutes).
3. Add as much escarole to the pot as will fit. Cook, gradually adding the rest, until wilted and meatballs are cooked through, about 5 minutes. Season with salt & pepper.

 

Cider-Glazed Chicken with Browned Butter-Pecan Rice

(Cooking Light magazine)

Again, with chicken, it makes a huge difference when I mix it up periodically. The usual baked chicken with broccoli and rice or what have you tends to get old for me real quick. The apple cider glaze worked well for me, and the rice with the pecans was to die for! I'm not sure my husband was crazy about the rice because he's not a big fan of pecans, but I shared some of it with my father and he couldn't get enough of it!

Serves 4 (1 cutlet and about 1/2 cup rice per serving)
333 calories per serving
13 grams of fat

Ingredients:

1 (3.5 oz.) bag boil-in-bag brown rice (such as Uncle Ben's)
2 tbsp. butter, divided
1 lb. chicken breast cutlets (about 4 cutlets)
3/4 tsp. salt, divided
1/4 tsp. freshly ground black pepper
1/2 cup refrigerated apple cider
1 tsp. Dijon mustard
1/4 cup chopped pecans
2 tbsp. chopped fresh flat-leaf parsley

Directions:

1. Cook rice according to package directions in a small saucepan, omitting salt and fat; drain.
2. While rice cooks, melt 1 tsp. butter in a large heavy skillet over medium-high heat. Sprinkle chicken with 1/4 tsp. salt and pepper. Add chicken to pan; cook 3 minutes on each side until done. Remove from pan. Add cider and mustard to pan, scraping pan to loosen browned bits; cook 2 to 3 minutes or until syrupy. Add chicken to pan, turning to coat. Remove from heat; set aside.
3. Melt remaining 5 teaspoons butter in saucepan over medium-high heat; cook for 2 minutes or until browned and fragrant. Lower heat to medium; add pecans and cook for 1 minute or until toasted, stirring frequently. Add rice and the remaining 1/2 tsp. salt; toss well to coat. Serve rice with chicken. Sprinkle with parsley.

Seeing Results

I am finally happy to say that I am down 20 lbs. since I started this program in August. In the past, I think I have been in too much of a hurry to see results, and when I didn't see them come fast enough, I would give up. I think it's true what they say: the best way to do it is slowly, a couple of lbs. a week, and I think the best reason that it's good in the long run is because I know from experience that when I lose weight too fast, I don't really put much thought into every lb. I lose, so when I finally reach a goal, I sometimes relax too much. At that point, I will start putting it back on again almost as quickly as I lost it, and I'll think "oh, it's no big deal, it's just 10 lbs., I'll just lose it again." Then, before I know it, I have gained it all back.

Let me explain some of the things I am learning in this program that will (hopefully) help me to not only lose the weight, but keep it off (which has been a nightmare for me in the past):

1. I weigh myself every day. This is something I would never do before, and there is a very good reason for that. I would prefer to do it once every week or two at the most because I didn't want to see how fast I was losing weight; it was never fast enough for me (then there's the fact that my weight fluctuates like crazy!) The way I look at it now (and they explained it this way) is that weighing yourself every day will become a habit, like brushing your teeth, so that when you finally do reach your goal, you will be able to maintain your weight by being aware of it all the time. One of the best things about this program is that we make this stuff part of our daily routine, so that our lifestyle changes, not just our weight.

2. I try to keep my daily routine moving in the right direction. They refer to this as our "east". I first identify my values, or my reasons for wanting to be healthy (mine include seeing my son grow up, gaining back energy which I usually do not have, and feeling better for a better quality of life in general). They say "values are like directions. You can always try to move east. It never ends. In any situation, you can ask yourself 'am I behaving consistent with my values? If I lost 30 lbs., would I not want to be healthy, active and engaged anymore? If I didn't lose weight, would being healthy, active and engaged be a failure?" So if I fall off track, east is always there, and I can always go back in that direction, no matter how bad I think I did.

3. I see cravings and desires as thoughts, and nothing more. We learned that our minds have evolved to try to keep us as comfortable as possible. It is a comfort machine. It tells us "why would you want to exercise? Sitting on the couch and eating potato chips is much for comfortable!" This was a good thing when we were in constant fear of being eaten by wild beasts thousands of years ago, but it's not such a good thing all the time nowadays. We become controlled by our thoughts. So we can identify the fact that we are having these thoughts by saying "I am having the thought that I would rather sit on the couch and eat potato chips." That separates the thought from us; it puts it outside of us, and we are no longer controlled by it. So we can say "I am having the thought that I want to eat ice cream" or whatever you can think of, and just acknowledge that we are simply having a thought.
This helps a great deal if you eat out at restaurants often, like I do (although I seriously need to work harder on limiting this to once a week). One of the things they emphasize is that if you were to eat out every day, it would be virtually impossible to lose weight. They even have a class that is just about how bad restaurants are for people. Naturally, many restaurants offer menus under 500 calories or so, but the main idea in the restaurant business is to make money, so they are going to do whatever it takes to make the food taste good and make you come back for more. But my point is that if you do go out to eat, you can identify your thoughts while you are sitting there looking at the menu. Most people will think "well, my husband gets to order this, so I should be able to!" Or "the food smells so good" or my personal favorite, "a calorie splurge won't kill me". This is when it is good to take a step back and acknowledge these thoughts and still choose a healthier option.

4. I don't try to avoid the thoughts. We did an experiment where the psychologist told us "don't think about chocolate cake". We had to sit for a minute and try to think about anything but chocolate cake. For most of us, that didn't work, and for the others, chances are that over time, it won't work. Depriving ourselves of certain foods will make us put too much energy into trying to avoid those foods, which will usually end with us succumbing to our desire to eat the food.
They teach us that if we are having an unhealthy thought, we can become "stuck". We know we're stuck when we're fighting with the thought, going along with the thought or consumed by the thought. This is when we can say "I'm having the thought that _______" or we can find our "east" / reorient our values.

5. I acknowledge when I am making excuses. We learned that our mind can come up with an excuse for just about anything. We had to come up with two reasons why we have been unsuccessful with weight loss. Then two more reasons. Then two fake reasons. Then two reasons why our spouse or siblings might have been unsuccessful. Then two reasons why we might have been successful. We came up with tons of reasons for everything. Our minds are reason-generating machines (and JUDGMENT machines, "the world's worst motivational speaker"). So basically, they said that if our mind was making excuses not to exercise or not to eat healthy, we need to look at it as "if someone offered me a million dollars, would I still not do this thing?" If the answer is no, then it's a legitimate excuse. If the answer is yes, I would do it, then it's probably not a legitimate excuse.


Well, things have been going really well since I started using these techniques (although, like anything else, it is a learning experience and is not without its snags and difficulties). I am noticing that I am able to let go easily nowadays. My favorite thing about this program is that it is designed to be for life, not just some temporary fix like the Slim Fast diet, and while I am paying attention to the scale, the purpose is more to be a healthier individual than it is to lose weight. The program is changing my perspective on life, which is exactly what I need.

As far as our weight loss method goes, we learned that it is better to count calories rather than just fat, carbs or sugars (or what have you) because all of these things are made up of calories, which is why it's the best thing to focus on. Our eating plan, however, should not provide more than 25% of our calories from fat. Because of my weight, my daily calorie goal is 1,500 and my fat goal is 42 grams. I cook a lot more than I did before, and all of my meals are for the whole family. I go to the library every few weeks or so and check out recipe books for cooking light. My family has loved almost everything so far! Exercise is just as effective if it's divided up into increments of 10 minutes. Right now, we should try to get at least 100 minutes per week. This will eventually go up to 250 minutes per week (which I think will help a lot with that weight loss plateau I always run into when I get down to 200 lbs.)

Anther thing is that when I am losing weight, I never realize that there is actually a change going on, so maybe it would be better for me to take the time to post my progress photos as I'm losing weight. Below on the left is me on February 25, 2013 at 270 lbs. and on the right, me today (09/20/13) at 250 lbs.

 

I will keep posting my results and what I am learning from the program periodically. Thank you for reading!! :)

Starting Tomorrow...

I had my first "official" group with the other people in the weight loss program this evening. The goal (the first of two for this year) is to lose 10% of my body weight. I am actually really looking forward to this now that I have had a chance to meet the other people (there are 15 in my group, and a total of 30 in the program).

I have to write about my personal incentive to pursue this, and for me, that will be to improve my health for the purpose of increasing my energy for a better quality of life. It is very important to me that I set a good example for my son. I do not want to feel like I have failed my son because of the possibility that he will have to deal with the same struggles as I have.

I have been thinking about the Mediterranean Diet; any takes on this?  I am particularly fond of the idea that there is a diet out there that I don't have to pay into just to try. The only problem is that I need to keep my calories around 1500 per day, and my fat at 42 grams per day, so I know I will need to omit a lot of the things on that menu. If anyone happens to know of a decent food planner for this that I can find online, that would be much appreciated! Thanks!

Weight Loss Research Study

So today, I went to an orientation for a weight loss research study, conducted by Brown University and Miriam Hospital. I signed up for a program that will last for a year, and continue periodically for a subsequent year of just follow-ups. Here is what the paperwork says about it:

You are being asked to participate in a research project because you are between 18 and 70 years old, are overweight or obese, and have problems with eating in response to negative thoughts and feelings...The purpose of this study is to test a new approach to helping you lose weight....You will be "randomized" into one of the study groups described below:
Program 1: If you are assigned to this program, you will be asked to attend weekly group meetings for 6 months, then every other week for 3 months, then monthly for 3 months. At these group sessions, you will be taught to change you eating and physical activity to lose weight and maintain it. You will be asked to write down your food intake and activity throughout the 12 month program. You will be taught standard techniques to help you recognize and change negative thoughts and emotions that are making it hard for you to follow a healthy eating and exercise program.
Program 2: If you are assigned to this program, you will attend group meetings on the same schedule as in Program 1 and be taught the same strategies to help you change your eating and activity to lose weight and maintain it. The program will teach a different approach to handling negative thoughts and emotions, in which you are helped to accept these feelings (rather than trying to change them) and to focus on achieving your goals and values despite these negative feelings.

Basically, it's like being in a weight watchers group in which they teach 2 different techniques for dealing with emotional eating and try to learn which is more effective. My understanding is that regardless of which group I am in, weight loss is expected (and it is all focused on calorie intake and exercise). It's free for me, which is fantastic, LOL, and I will receive some compensation for my time. I must say, I am ready to make this commitment; I really need it, and I have never been in any kind of weight loss program before, but I am sure that it will give me the motivation I have been lacking all this time. I am looking forward to it, and I'll keep you updated! :)

Letting Go

I think a big part of "letting go" of the difficulties and the stress that bogs us down is realizing that it's not going to all change by snapping our fingers. Like most things in life, it takes time. I am reminded of a teacher of the Toa Te Ching who said something to the effect that during meditation, we shouldn't try to force all thoughts out of our mind. When a thought finds its way in, acknowledge it, and gently let it go. If it keeps coming back, do the same thing; let it go. These things must be done slowly, over time, for us to master them.

I think this can be applied to just about anything that will help us change our lifestyle, whether it's quitting drinking, smoking or fast food, sticking to a healthy exercise routine or minimizing food portions, or in my case, switching over to a vegetarian (leaning toward vegan) lifestyle. I find, once again, that I am having trouble sticking to it, but I think I need to take a calm approach to steering myself in the right direction, rather than losing my grip and telling myself "you'd better do this now, or else" or even "I can't do this". I am not living in the moment when I say things like that, and I find as I get older that I say that pretty often!

The big problem right now is that we are also trying our best to save every penny because we may be taking our son on vacation. We had this planned out for over a year, and now we are going to have to wait until the morning we are supposed to leave (this Friday) to find out whether it would be irresponsible to do this because we are starting to fall behind on bills right now. Money has been pretty tight since I stopped working full-time. That said, the menu for this week consists of frozen food, loaded with preservatives that we had in the freezer for some time, but never ate until now, lol -- and there is a reason for that! We'll see if it was worth it.

Meanwhile, I realized that I completely forgot my doctor's appointment, which was supposed to be on the 15th! I have a few things that I need to talk to her about. I need to constantly, constantly remind myself that health comes first!! Anyway, I should mention that giving up coffee has been the most difficult part of all this, and once I start with the coffee, everything else goes right out the window. I wish there was a way I could drink coffee and not overindulge. I think that plays a huge role in why I am so tired all the time, and I find that I feel that way very shortly after I overdo it with the coffee! No good!

I am a work in progress...

Next Stop: Vegetarian

I know it seems like I don't come here as often as I probably should, and it's not because things aren't going well. Actually, I really can't complain about my overall progress too much...except for this past weekend, because, well, I'm Irish and I celebrated that fact for like 4 days lol...but the party's over now!!

I did, however, weigh myself at some point last week and was a bit disappointed to find that I hadn't lost a single pound, nor did I lose any inches. It stung because I had been working really hard at it, keeping my calorie count under 1200 per day and burning an average of 500 calories / day. I do believe it has a lot to do with the possibility that my body is resisting it after having lost and re-gained so much weight over the past 10 years or so. I don't know if there is any truth to that, as I've never heard anyone complain about this happening before, but it's the only thing I can think of (aside from the fact that I'm pushing 30) because I was doing it exactly the same as I did the last two times, and for some reason I immediately hit the plateau.

On that note, I must keep reminding myself that I am not in this to lose weight as much as I am to get healthy. And, if I'm in it to get healthy, it's inevitable that I have to face the fact that the Slim Fast diet is probably not the best way to do it (although, um...it's delicious! My husband still wants to do it anyway just because he loves the taste of the chocolate royale, lol...)

Last night, I found myself getting worked up over some political issue that involved corporations destroying the health of America, I think it had something to do with the mayor of New York losing the battle to ban large-sized soft drinks. I was on the fence with the issue because on one hand, I'm not sure if I agree with politicians telling us what we can and can't consume, unless you're looking at it from the perspective that healthcare costs come out of the taxpayers' (our own) pockets. That's a whole separate issue, but I was also thinking "damn...money wins again!" I mean, I would not have cried a river for the ever-so-greedy McDonald's, or what have you, if they had lost that one in court. So anyway, I started browsing the internet to learn more about the typical American's highly processed diet, and I found my way to Netflix, where I watched this:

And here is the link if you've never seen it and you're interested (you will need a Netflix account):
http://dvd.netflix.com/Movie/Forks-Over-Knives/70185045


I am a sucker for inspirational documentaries; I had the pleasure of seeing Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead for the first time a couple of years ago and, as I've mentioned, I actually did a reboot that lasted 2 weeks (I felt really funny toward the end of it, like I was constantly in a dream-like state, and I don't know if that's normal but I wasn't crazy about it). After watching Forks Over Knives, I recalled that I actually was a vegetarian when I was 13, and it lasted for a year. Even though that was the case, I don't believe I cut out all processed foods from my diet (I still ate those Boca burgers, etc. by Morning Star, which I don't know if I could stomach this time around lol). Last night, after watching the documentary, I decided to become a vegetarian again (I shouldn't say it like I know what I'm talking about because the last time I did this was 17 years ago, but there it is).

So, we went shopping today, and here is what's on the menu for this week:

Really, I didn't have much time to think about it and we needed groceries pretty badly, so I just kinda walked around and threw whatever I thought would be good in the cart, but before we go again the next time, I will have plant-based meals planned out. Since I am a newbie at this, I will need to find some meals that look appetizing and try them out. This (along with the diet itself) will take some getting used to, but I am looking forward to the challenge. :) I do wish I had a juicer again for those times when I want fresh juice, or even a functional blender for that matter (the one I have is crap! It's true what they say: you get what you pay for!)

As for exercise, I am sticking with my elliptical machine regularly, but I am so happy the warm weather is finally on its way (well, at some point; I say this because we just got bombared with more slushy snow...spring is coming, folks!) I am finally going to be able to use those bikes; I just need to pump up the tires and make a few adjustments. I am finally going to take advantage of that bike path down the street. Very exciting!

Lost 11 lbs!

Well, I am very happy to say that I am finally getting that motivation I need. I am going strong with my diet and regular exercise, and since my last check-in, I have lost 11 lbs and a couple of inches off my neck, waist and hips (I realize that those first 5 lbs. are probably from the initial diet shock on my body, which happens to me every time).

As a matter of fact, we all went out to Ruby Tuesday's last night (Friday is restaurant night) and we ordered chips and artichoke dip for an appetizer, and I am not really crazy about that place, but we had a coupon we decided to use and I ordered a cheeseburger. Well, I ate some of the chips, the two sides and I took two bites of the burger, and by that time I was so full I thought I would burst. Even my husband looked at me like really? LOL that's very unusual for me. It's true what they say about the elasticity of our stomachs, smaller portions over time make them shrink. I could never put myself through stomach stapling surgery, but this does the trick. And, to reiterate what Joe says in Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead, who made it a law that we need to eat three square meals a day?

I am very happy about this so far, and being on this diet has given me the control I've needed; I really don't have overwhelming cravings, and I haven't had the urge to stop at a fast-food place at all because I know what I'm going to have for lunch already, and the portion size is always the same.

The only thing that concerns me is there are days when I am just incredibly overtired (I've mentioned before that exercising in the morning makes me exhausted by the middle of the day, even when I'm not doing this diet; now it is slightly better, but I do still feel it). I've never had this problem before. I'm wondering if it could be that I am getting older and my body is just not as strong as it used to be. I've looked online and read about other people who have had this problem, and it seems like it might boil down to not enough hydration (I drink tons of water every day, but may not be getting enough electrolites / potassium) or, and this is something I really need to figure out (as I no longer have a gym membership), I have done no weight training whatsoever so far. Supposedly, this leaves nowhere for glycogen (??) to go after working out, and thus, it makes you feel exhausted. I have a couple of small weights I will start using tonight, but I would like to figure out something a little better. In any case, I have made an apointment with the doctor for March 15, and I'll hopefully know soon (although there are still some health mysteries I have yet to understand thoroughly right now). For now, I'll just do what I'm doing, as it's not at the point of being debillitating.

First Day on the Slim Fast Diet

So yesterday, I was a bit agitated and it was kind of like a "that's it, now this is happening" day lol. Really though, I've embarked on weight loss plans before, and I've never had this much of a problem, so it has been unusually frustrating.

Today, I am really tired because I had been drinking insane amounts of coffee again over the past few weeks (oh yes, heart palpitations and all), and today I woke up and just said eh, no coffee today. I didn't even think about it until I was at the supermarket with my son and I was ready to start attacking people lol, and on the way home I was thinking gee, why am I so irritable today? So I had a green tea and...nah, still pretty out of it lol. I think I'll sleep pretty well tonight.

Well anyway, I saw the price on the Slim Fast powder and it was something like $7.99 and then I saw the CareOne brand Slim Supreme next to it for $4.99 (pretty much the same stuff; doesn't taste quite the same), so that's what I got. Usually I have coupons for Slim Fast that I find on Ebay or somewhere, but obviously there wasn't enough notice for that. I think I'm off to a good start though. I notice it does keep me full between meals, which is great!

I found this on Facebook; it's something I really need to keep in mind (eh...sorry for those who don't like the wording so much):

It's great and everything to approach the different aspects of weight loss such as mental preparation, diet, etc. but without self-discipline playing a part in all that, it's worthless. Well, except for meditation; I should be doing that regularly anyway, with all this stress, and I keep using the excuse that I never have any time, and using that excuse for everything is what puts me in this frustrating situation. If I can't make time to take care of myself, then I should welcome the impending heart attack that is going to kill me as a result, and then I won't get anything done because I'll be DEAD. Simple as that. Tough love (but oh, so necessary).

Well, now that I am getting back on my feet here, I will check in shortly with how things are going. :)

Effective Immediately: Slim Fast Diet

Things are out of control. It's time to admit it. The way I have set this up is not working for me, and I think it is because everything else that's going on right now is just chaotic. The stress from work is getting to me, the stress from school and maintaining the household is getting to me. Lately I have been looking in the mirror and thinking omg, I'm going to be this way forever. I've had my chance, and it's gone.

So as I sit awake when I have to be up for school early tomorrow morning but can't sleep because my heart is pounding after eating high-sodium junk food for dinner, I'm thinking I need to somehow regain control of this situation. Control starts with self-discipline and will power, which is exactly what I am lacking. So, the last time I was able to efficiently take control of my eating habits was the day I started the Slim Fast Diet.

Extreme? Maybe. I know a lot of people don't agree with it. I've heard it referred to as a "starvation diet". And yes, expensive. But I have no sense of portion control, and no sense of portion control turns into "who cares?" I can drive down the street between errands and come up with an excuse to eat garbage for lunch. Not with a Slim Fast in the car. Discipline.

Once I have regained control, I will switch to 3 healthy meals a day.

Removing Weight-Loss Obstacles

So it looks like the last blog I posted was on 1/28, and that's a pretty long time not to check in with how things are going....that would be because they aren't going so well. Everything was great; I was exercising every day and using the My Fitness Pal web site each day. When I exercised, it was in the morning, right after I put my son on the bus. I got into a great routine where I did this each and every morning, and I was excited about it, too.

Then one morning, I was particularly tired, and I decided I would wait until I got home from work in the afternoon to do it, which was fine. I waited until I got home, and then I did it. I did the same thing the next day; waited till I got home. Then the next morning, I said I was going to do the same thing, and the afternoon came and I didn't do it. Same thing the next day, then the next day, until I didn't even think about it in the morning. The elliptical machine takes up half my living room, and I just didn't think about it!!

One major problem I am having is my stress level, which has been through the roof lately. It wears me down. I have never been so tired in all my life; that is, until I started working as a paralegal. I think about my job all the time; in fact, it has kept me awake many nights. School is reeeeaally playing into this tremendous pressure on me as well. However, I am very well aware that working out actually helps with all this! It's just that I always have the feeling that I don't have enough time. Once I graduate in May, I will feel so much more free to focus on one thing at a time, but until then, I absolutely must find a way to make this work.

I have come to realize that I do not like the feeling of using the machine on the second level of this house with people living underneath me. Interestingly, though, they have never complained or even mentioned hearing any noise from it, but while using it, I am constantly thinking "omg what if they hear me!?" Grrr, they can't hear me!!

Also, I need to determine what time of day I plan to use this so I don't fall into this again. If I do it first thing in the morning, I am often exhausted by around 6:00, which is not good on the day I have classes. If I choose to wait until the afternoon, that needs to be my regular plan, but that's when the guy downstairs comes home, and what if he hears me!!?

Has anyone else completely dropped the ball to this extent and found a way back on their feet without becoming utterly discouraged?? :(

Adjusting to the New Lifestyle

I am actually feeling a lot better! I have more energy during the day and I can think more clearly. I am more confident, which is great! I am still having difficulty falling asleep (my mind loves to race at night), but in the morning I can wake up when the alarm clock goes off without hitting the snooze button three times.

I love this machine, but the only thing that bugs me is that my middle toe on either foot starts to go numb toward the end of my workout. Not a big deal, since by this time I am usually just about done anyway, and it can usually be resolved if I stop for a moment and take the pressure off my foot. I read in a fitness magazine a while back that this is normal with elliptical machines, or any machine that requires repetitive motion for that matter. My biggest concern, as always, is that I am bothering the people downstairs, but this thing is so quiet. Usually they will let me know if they can hear me, especially early in the morning (lol) but they have not done so yet.

My eating habits are getting much better. I am aware of my calorie intake, but more importantly, I am doing a great job avoiding those empty calories. The only problem is still portion control, which is getting better, but still needs work. I have set a daily caloric goal of 1200, and I still sometimes find myself going a little bit over. Not too bad, but I would like to get it down.

On that note, I made this fantastic meal for dinner, and I was blown away to see my husband actually eating tofu!! When I first gave him one, he had this look on his face like he was anticipating that it would be disgusting, then a couple of minutes later, he was like wow, that is awesome! :) Quite an achievement considering he never ate green veggies or seafood in his life until he met me. Anyway, here is the link for the recipe:

Tofu Tacos

 

 

Now I need to cut this short because I have schoolwork and work-work piled up, so I will be back soon! :)



My elliptical machine has arrived! This machine may only weigh 165 lbs, but getting it up the stairs was no picnic...

And after only a few minutes, my living room turned into this:

BUT, magically (all I had to do was snap my fingers)....

I don't want to start using it a whole lot just yet because I would like to put a mat or something underneath it first. This machine is really very quiet, especially for a large piece of gym equipment, but we live in a duplex and there are people who live downstairs from us. It's strange; from the outside, you would think it was a townhouse style duplex, but no, we have the top floor and they have the lower level. So I do worry that they can hear anything that vibrates the floor, etc. I know they can definitely hear when my son jumps or bumps the floor, so the thing with this machine is that the foot pedals are able to move back and forth with the help of these wheels that roll along the bars on the floor:

I do worry that this may be something that can be heard downstairs. I just want to make it clear that I'm not making excuses not to use it, I just need to keep it quiet first!

Now, as for my dieting / coffee & alcohol consumption / etc....

I won't lie, it has been a little tough, and that's why I've been working on this slowly, a little at a time rather than all at once.

First of all, even though I still drink coffee each morning, I have cut it down to a cup a day. I want to eliminate it, as I've said, and replace it with the tea I like, and maybe have a Dunkin' Donuts coffee on the weekends to treat myself. As for the beer, I have had two since I posted about it. Not too bad. :)

The hardest part of my diet, on the other hand (as always), is the "all-or-nothing" mentality I've had. I will wake up in the morning, have a healthy breakfast, and halfway through the day I will stop counting calories or have something that isn't good for me, and then think "oh well, I've already blown it for the day, so let's keep going with it." Portion control is also extremely difficult. This is something that is pretty much instilled in my mind, and it's going to take time (and I'm still working on the mental preparation; that also takes time).

I have also noticed that the stress of being a new litigation paralegal is starting to get to me quite a bit. Normally, I wouldn't react this strongly to the stress, but I am basically re-inventing the wheel here. I trained with my father's former paralegal for less than a month, and I didn't start to really pick up on things until she left. I am trying to do these interrogatories, other discovery procedures, arbitration statements, etc. etc. for the first time ever (and for multiple clients), all while trying to move my father into the new age of technology (he still has a computer that only takes floppy disks; I'm trying to get him online and onto his new laptop he just bought). This job is, hands-down, the most incredibly stressful job I've ever had, and I'm only a part-timer (for now). I'm sure things will start getting easier, but I am basically teaching myself everything. So my point is that while I'm driving in, I feel great, I am happy about the way the morning is going, and ready to take on the day. If I bring any food to work, I do not have any time to eat it. Seriously. It's that bad. I've had a grapefruit on my desk that has been sitting there a week; every day I will say "I'm going to eat this grapefruit today! :D"...it's no good anymore. I actually dream about work quite a bit....I leave the office at 2:00 so I can get my son off the bus, and the whole ride home, all I'm thinking is "I wonder if I should stop at Wendy's. Just this once. I haven't had lunch yet. Oh, maybe Taco Bell. Yes, and Dunkin' Donuts has a new _________." .......AND if that's not enough....school starts this week (full time)....

If there is anything I can say about this (hopefully final) attempt at losing weight, it is this: I can't help but think that this is going to be the most difficult attempt out of all of them.

Having said that, I am very well aware that exercise is going to help me with this a great deal. It's just a matter of getting into it that first couple of days. Those two or three days are by far the most difficult. My body gets tired easily, and I have to drag myself out of bed to use it. I know the routine, I've been there quite a few times. But once I am finally doing it, it will be the best stress reliever I could ask for, and in fact, it's the #1 thing I need right now. So I really need to find a mat or something to put under my machine, like, nowsville....

STEP 3: Planning a Healthy Diet

Well, I actually didn't have any coffee yet today (and it's almost 1:00 p.m.) only because I was so tired that I slept late, and then woke up to find that I have no sugar and no milk...so as you can imagine, my head hurts quite a bit. I will probably end up getting a medium at Dunkin' Donuts, and leave it at that for the day. Maybe start each day with just a cup of coffee. Anyhoo....

Now that you know I have no sugar or milk, you can probably surmise that it's that time of the week to put together a shopping list. We enjoyed a little take-out night last night, and that will serve as our restaurant night (we ordered Chinese, which we haven't done in ages!) I also drank some of my husband's IPA's....which were disgusting, but anyway, booze night is out of the way as well. Note to self: as good as the food was, and with Chinese food leftovers for lunch today, I feel about 10 times more like I got hit by a bus today. Just keep that in mind... :(

I have dusted off the old recipe books and now I am about to go shopping.

I will be back shortly.................

I'm back!! :D

Now that I look at the receipt, I really didn't plan out the next week too well. It's not a really bad thing, I mean, we did get a lot of good, healthy stuff. But I am not exactly sure that I will be able to use all the recipes I put together for the week without having to go out again. When I sat down today and tried to figure out what I was going to make for the week, I was not feeling well at all. It definitely had to be because of the Chinese food we had last night and over the course of the day today, and we didn't have a lot of other food in the house at the time. So I went to the supermarket feeling very irritated, and I wasn't able to think clearly. I am certain that once I start exercising and I have more time to plan this stuff out, this will change a great deal. In the meantime, at least I have healthy stuff in the house!

Also, now that we are going to be getting a lot of produce, I am thinking about making the extra trip to a local farmer's market. Our grocery bill has never been this high before, and we are only a household of 3. I know it can get expensive to eat right, but geez...or maybe it's time to start shopping somewhere else.

One of the big things about eating healthy for me, and a lot of people will agree, is that you can't tell yourself "I can't eat this ________." This will make you want to eat it more than anything, and that will usually end with me eating 3 of whatever it was I said I couldn't eat. That's why I don't have a "last fatty meal" or "say goodbye to bad food." It's always going to be there to have if I really want it. I just have to approach it with a rational mind (something I gain through mental preparation) and say "you know, I could eat this. Do I want to eat it?" (Notice I emphasize the I). The unthinking mind might say yes, but the mind that is prepared to face such a challenge will usually have no second thoughts about saying no, and move on.

However, on the rare occasion that I really am having trouble turning something down, plan B is usually to find something to pre-occupy myself. One of the best ways to do this is to find something healthy to do. I did the same thing when I was quitting smoking, and I had an overwhelming urge to smoke. The first option would usually be to take a walk or go to the gym. Now that I will have the elliptical machine in my living room, I have that open to me as well. When I keep myself busy doing something beneficial to my health, that in itself is usually enough to quash the craving. Another thing I've found that helps a lot is to chew gum. I have gone through a loooot of gum during my weight-loss efforts. This was always my favorite:

If it was not enough and I ended up eating whatever it was I wanted to eat, I would need to remember that the all-or-nothingi mentality would destroy all my hard work, and I couldn't allow that to happen. That is obviously going to be the ultimate challenge for me once I lose the weight.


The Chinese food is done and gone, the good food is in the house, and I am going to be working on my portion sizes. Once I start blogging about how things are going, I vow to be 100% honest about my struggle (or maybe, although unlikely, no-struggle). I have kept my bad eating habits a secret for too long, and I know that it does not help me to hide anything, including from myself. Having this online where the public can see it will help me stay true to myself and push me to follow through  with it. I will be back soon!

STEP 2: Cutting Caffeine and Alchohol

Coffee -- the best part of every morning. In fact, I'm brewing a pot right now as I type this (as you can see above).

I smoked for almost 15 years, and four years ago I was finally able to quit for good (with the help of Chantix, which isn't covered by health insurance. It was certainly worth it though!) With coffee, however, I have not been so lucky.

I go through a pot of coffee every morning, and then sometimes more when I get home from work, depending how tired I feel. Now, I'm not sure how normal it is to drink so much coffee, but it obviously has a negative effect on me because it does not even make me feel more alert anymore. However, if I don't drink it, I feel tired times 5. And  yes, I do drink it with a little more sugar than I should, and usually milk (preferrably cream, but I don't buy it often), but that's not the part that concerns me so much. Either way I look at it, it's not helping my situation at all, and it is clearly having an unhealthy effect on me. Therefore, as much as I hate to admit it, it has to be cut down, at least somewhat.

On the bright side, my second choice for my caffeine-intake is Stash green & white tea (I used to drink this stuff a lot in my healthy days!)

It is worth mentioning that, unless I'm counting calories religiously, I am not a Splenda user. However, for some reason, this tea tastes much better to me if I use Splenda. In fact, if I had no other choice than to drink this tea with sugar, I would probably not drink it. Interestingly, I can't say the same for coffee (I don't really like the taste of Splenda in my coffee).

It's going to be a tough couple of days while I am replacing my coffee with this tea. I don't think I mentioned before that I get migraine headaches, and I can seriously tell the difference between starting the day as I normally do and starting the day with less coffee than usual. Hopefully I will remember this next time and I won't have to go through it again.


Next on the docket:

........I mean, I'm not an alcoholic, but this is a beautiful picture........

I don't drink all the time. In fact, I try to limit it to the weekends, but when I buy a six-pack, I sit there and drink it without a single thought as to how many calories I am drinking. SO, now it's time to look at how many calories are in a bottle of Sam Adams. According to their web site, each beer has different nutritional information. I would have to say that the one I drink the most is the Boston Lager (I love the seasonal varieties, too, but it's Boston Lager by default...I wish Alpine Spring was available year-round, but anyway)...

If I mindlessly drink four bottles out of my six pack in one evening, which is usually about right, that's 700 calories!!!

Over the past couple of years, we have been choosing one day out of each week to go and eat out at a restaurant. I think it would be good if I could have that one day to eat a meal of my choosing, along with a couple of beers (I prefer not to order booze at the restaurant because it's ridiculously expensive; maybe if I buy a six-pack, I can try to make it last three weeks). I've also read that it is actually good for your metabolism to do this (very) occasional calorie spike, because it throws your body off the routine, which can otherwise cause you to plateau. I don't know how true that is, but I can say that I used to eat what I wanted throughout the entire weekend, and I still lost plenty of weight. It's kind of like when they tell you it's absolutely fine to enjoy a slice of birthday cake here and there (although that "one slice of cake" often results in the all-or-nothing mentality for me, which causes me to throw my diet / exercise routine right out the window). So, restaurant night will also become Sam Night! :)


I am pleased to say that I don't need to address the issue of soda drinking. I used to drink more soda than anyone I've ever seen when I was a kid, and into my teens. Somehow, once I moved out on my own, soda lost its appeal, which baffles me. I can rememer being 8 years old and coming home after school, walking into the kitchen, and pouring the biggest glass of Coke for myself that you have ever seen!! It was an after-school ritual. Nowadays, that would nauseate me...and I can happily say that my son doesn't like soda at all, and always says "no" when someone offers it to him. I love this, because I do have to admit that I was, for a while, deeply concerned he would end up following in my footprints.

When I worked at Foxwoods, I worked grave shift with my husband, and this is no easy task when you are a parent. Once we got out of work, we took turns sleeping while the other one watched the baby. My husband went to bed first, and I was a complete and utter zombie throughout the day. This never improved at all during the entire 10 years I worked there, on that shift. In fact, as I got older, it got worse. My husband does a lot better than I did on that shift. Anyway, I was always so tired that the very idea of cooking a meal at home was exhausting, so when my son became a toddler, I would buy these dietary  disasters:

You're probably already aware of this, but these meals are so bad...and I was feeding my son this crap each and every day. In fact, whenever I took him to the supermarket, we'd walk into the frozen food section, and he'd say "mommy, I want the blue!" Like the blue box. We'd just pick out one for each day of the week, and I thought it was okay, because it's pretty much the same thing as a home-cooked meal, right? WRONG!

My son was 3 years old in this picture, and if I remember correctly, he weighed between 50 - 60 lbs. Fortunately (very fortunately) I was lucky enough to have my share of people slapping me upside the head for this, and I learned how to cook (which is something I'd never really done, aside from spaghetti and certain things that don't require half a brain). My husband and I spent a lot more outdoor time with him, and encouraged him to be more active. He has thinned out quite a bit, and he's really grown into his weight, which has remained the same over the following 3 years. His pediatrician was actually blown away by this, and asked us how we did it. I am so lucky that there is a possibility that he won't have to go through the same thing I went through at his age.

Anyway, I will start applying this to my daily routine by cutting down the amount of coffee I drink in the morning, hopefully replacing it with tea by the time the machine gets here; also no more booze except for "restaurant day", and I will also try to keep that at about 2 beers. This is my goal. :)

STEP 1: Mentally Preparing to Make Better Choices

It is necessary to take certain steps to eliminate some of the poor choices that were a result of stress, boredom, and any other challenges that sparked bad habits in the past. I have created three steps that I intend to take which will set the stage for healthier lifestyle choices, and each of these steps will be discussed in its own individual blog:

Step 1: Mentally Preparing to Make Better Choices.

Step 2: Cutting Caffeine and Alcohol Consumption.

Step 3: Planning a Healthy Diet.



As I've mentioned previously, I've had the motivation which led to a temporary health kick which lasted up to two weeks at a time. This has occurred off and on over the past few years. While I may have had the motivation, I did not have the patience or the attention to keep it up. This would typically result in that "fire" being extinguished early on.

The last time I was able to follow through and enjoy the fruits of all that hard work, one of the most important things I did was to meditate regularly to increase my awareness. This is extremely difficult for me at first, because even as I type this, I am in one of those "mental fogs" I mentioned earlier. However, like anything else, it is something that improves gradually over time. Honestly, it's difficult for me whether I have brain fog or not, so that's not a valid excuse.

Not only is meditation a tremendous stress-reliever, it is also the best possible way for me to stay focused. This is important because I frequently over-eat when I am tired (which is often), bored, or under a lot of stress. Meditation will create mindfulness toward what I am putting into my body. It helps with the impulse to over-eat. Portion control is nearly impossible if my mind is somewhere else while I'm eating. Awareness forces you to live in the moment.

This is something that I wrote on meditation a few years back, when I was practicing mindfulness:

"I think one necessary trait of meditation, in my opinion, is that it can prepare us for death. It snaps us back into reality by addressing our aversion to the inevitable by slapping us in the face with it. It tells us to live each moment as if it were our last…because it very well could be. We sit and take time (it takes a lot of time) to persuade ourselves that we aren’t going to live forever. Sometimes, in our daily lives, we wake up, we go through our routine, come home, go to bed, and do the same thing the next day. We don’t appreciate a moment of it because we’re too busy getting worked up about the guy who cut us off in traffic or the report that was due an hour ago. If someone were to walk up to us and tell us “you could die of a heart attack in the next minute,” we shrug it off and say something along the lines of “everyone dies at some point.” We never think about it. As a result, we often engage in self-destructive activities; we endanger our health without a second thought.

In Zen meditation, we prepare ourselves for death by waking ourselves up to the fact that it will happen, and what that means. When we are constantly aware of death, we really wake up to our life. To do this, though, we have to sit and make ourselves aware of it; convince ourselves that nothing lasts forever, and we are no exception. We may do a “death meditation,” during which we persuade ourselves that we are dying (our body grows cold and lifeless, we say goodbye.) In life, we are in such a deep mind-set about who we are and what we “should” be doing right now that we take our focus off the fact that death is always stalking us. Some people might say “what a horrible thing to think about all the time!” The fact is that when we constantly think that this could be our last moment, we make that moment count. Then our life becomes meaningful. We do things we wouldn’t normally do; spend more time with our loved ones; worry less about money and “things”; focus on what really matters.  

Meditation is such an important part of this because it keeps us “aware,” and we take our “awareness” when we stop meditating and apply it to our regular routine; we wake up to the moment and come alive. When we meditate, we sit in a quiet place and simply focus on our breath, then, gradually, our surroundings (the feeling of being present in our body, the room we are sitting in, the slight sounds we may hear.) We clear our mind. Again, this is not so simple for us, because every time a thought enters our mind, we have to gently push it away. I will tell you that a lot of thoughts enter my mind when I do this! This activity that seems so simple becomes incredibly difficult to us; at least in the beginning. Once we are able to do this regularly, we take the technique with us to work or in our car (a place where, if you are anything like me, you experience rage like nowhere else.) We “return to the breath,” meaning, we focus on our breath, then gradually, our surroundings. We become present in our life and appreciate the moments, even when they don’t seem like moments we should appreciate. Our life becomes meaningful, and instead of allowing our emotions take over, we maintain our awareness. In the end, we are thankful for the experience (no matter how horrible it may seem.)"

I used to live with this mentality every single day. Unfortunately, I lost sight of this somewhere along the line, and trying to get it back can truly be a struggle. You need to constantly remind yourself through every waking moment to "focus on your breath" and "be present in the moment" and during meditation, "clear your mind". Clearing your mind is so much easier said than done. With practice, though, it will come. Once you have mastered this part, you really do enjoy your life in ways you may not have experienced before. You feel your connection with the wholeness of the universe.


On another note, yoga is something that I have never done, mostly because of my weight -- remember, I've never made it below 200 lbs.) Once I get my weight down significantly, I think I will make time for it.

Now, to take a moment to go completely off the subject of spirituality and mentality, I was excited to see this list on my facebook page (55 Healthy Snacks Under 200 Calories; I have linked it to the website, since it's small, and it will look blurry if I make it bigger):

I will definitely be using this when I go shopping this weekend. I have always had a tough time figuring out what to do for healthy snacks. Any suggestions are also appreciated!

In the Mail

I have used this program before, it's My Fitness Pal and you can use the app to put in what you've eaten, how many calories you've consumed for the day, what exercise you did, how many calories you burned, etc. At the end of the day, it will tell you how far above or below your goal you are (you need to set a daily caloric intake goal; mine has always been 1,200). Obviously, you should watch it to make sure you are burning more calories than you are taking in by the end of the week, which it monitors for you.

I will, of course, check in with my weight and inches lost here, too, since that's the purpose of this blog, but it's just easier for me personally to see how I am doing with this web site (it has bar graphs, etc., which I like).

Now that I look at it, I notice the last time I used it was 7 months ago, probably during one of those temporary "health modes" I've talked about. I really like this except for the fact that if you don't know how many calories you've burned (the thing that was supposed to record it on the Gazelle was broken, so I never knew exactly how many calories I burned) this program will tell you, but it seems to give way too much credit. I definitely don't think that 30 minutes on the Gazelle will burn 600 calories, but that's what it would tell me, lol...usually I'd burn 600 calories going uphill on the treadmill for almost an hour at level 7, and I can certainly feel the difference! In any event, you can always enter the calories burned manually. This is a really great food diary, too, which I am definitely going to use. It's also good because you can befriend other people who are exercising / dieting and encourage each other. It's just too bad I didn't stick with it 7 months ago, but there's no time better than the present to get back on track.

You know, it's also worth mentioning that when it comes to weight loss, in the last couple of years, I've taken an all-or-nothing approach, and I have been impatient. Now that I am looking at my last recorded weight / inches, I remember thinking 7 months ago that I wasn't getting anywhere (that's what I'm usually thinking, because I've been so impatient lately). Incredibly, I have been at the weight I am now for quite some time, including just before commencing one of these temporary "healthy phases", and since I just checked in at My Fitness Pal, this is what I'm seeing:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think that shows that I was getting somewhere with my exercise routine, as brief as it was. It's time to lose the all-or-nothing mentality for good. I know it says to weigh in once a week, but I think it would be beneficial if I stayed away from the scale for the most part, and maybe just weighed in once or twice a month, paying more attention to inches lost. Easier said than done, but that's what I'm aiming for.

I also got an exciting email today, much quicker than I expected :D

As you can see, I ordered the elliptical machine from Best Buy, only because I set up an account with them to finance my computer last year, so it was just a matter of signing in and placing the order with the Best Buy card (no applying, waiting for approval, etc.) Like I said, it was $650, and I haven't seen it for less anywhere else, so it only made sense. For a $650 machine, this thing got really good reviews. Even if I hadn't taken the time to look at the reviews (which I do before just about every purchase I make), the only cardio machine I've ever owned was the Gazelle, which never cost more than $300, and that's what I'm used to so I'm sure this machine is going to be amazing.  ;)


I cannot wait to finally get a decent night of sleep. Even on the rare occasion that I am able to fall asleep in under 2 hours, no matter how much sleep I get (which can be 10-11 hours on the weekends / days when I don't have to wake up early to put my son on the bus) I am always very tired the next day. I think it's the quality of my sleep that is killing me, and I know that I sleep a lot better when I exercise regularly.

I have thought about getting sleeping pills through my doctor, but in recent years, I have really tried to stay away from any kind of medications that I can live without. I was given a muscle relaxant at some point for my back (one of the many problems associated with being overweight - the other being my knees) and that tends to knock me right out, so I have kept it for those nights when I simply cannot sleep.

 Unfortunately, most of the time (with the exception of the prescription, which makes me feel like a zombie when I wake up), these don't work anyway. Apparently, getting in shape is the answer to many of my problems here. Once I start feeling better, though, I tend to forget how bad I felt when I wasn't taking care of myself. This blog will hopefully serve as a reminder. :)


I am looking forward to spring time, because once the snow melts away and the weather is nice, I plan to start bike-riding. My house is right near a bike path which, according to Greenways Alliance of Rhode Island, span a 15 mile path (and it looks like they are still expanding it, which should result in a 25 mile path). It's been literally years since I've even owned a bike. Actually, I am borrowing two from my father; one for me and one for my husband. It's going to take a little work to get them on the road, but I am excited to start riding them. This year is flying by, so hopefully that will be here before we know it!

Now, to start working on my first healthy grocery list. Recipe time!!