Finding my East

Well, the last couple of days have been a little tough, but I made it through pretty well. For starters, I took a four-day-weekend away from exercising (I still stayed under / close to my calorie goal, but I really need to try to walk or do anything whenever I can).

A few nights ago, I had this horrible neck pain, so I took a muscle relaxer a little later in the evening than I should have because it was keeping me awake. I have a whole bottle of muscle relaxers, but I rarely ever use them unless I'm in so much pain that it is disruptive, so I sometimes forget how drowsy it makes me feel the next day. I took one at about 11:00 pm (10 mg of Flexeril), and I could not get myself out of bed the next morning (this was Monday). I had to wake up my husband to put my son on the bus because I felt so woozy. So needless to say, the rest of the day dragged on forever.

I didn't get much accomplished at work because I couldn't think clearly. I kept pushing through, but by mid-afternoon, I was so tired, and I was starting to have these intense cravings for sweets. I know it was because I felt so sleepy because I hadn't felt like that in quite some time. I just wanted to eat, and I couldn't re-center myself (for lack of a better term). I do remember that I went over my calorie limit that day, but I calculated my BMR, and at my height and weight, I can afford just slightly under 2,300 calories per day without gaining (or losing) weight. (BTW, I found this great BMR calculator, which will be really helpful when I get my weight down enough that I just need to maintain it: http://www.bmi-calculator.net/ ).This is good to know for those days when I feel like I want to splurge a little! But this was not supposed to be one of those days. I also skipped my exercise that day because I simply didn't have the energy.

So I picked up my regular workout / eating routine again on Tuesday and made it through with no problem, but then yesterday (which started out fine), I had kind of a tough day at work. It wasn't any big deal, but I get this really bad social anxiety when I am talking to people I don't know, and I had met a new client that afternoon while I was also in the middle of working on something else, and I had that other thing on my mind. I shook her hand and started talking to her, but then my mind drew a blank. My words started coming out jumbled up, and I think I said something that sounded stupid (ahh my social charm, lmao) and it just messed me up for the rest of the day. I hate coming across as an idiot, and I was so embarrassed by it, that I felt really anxious all day. It wasn't even like it was a big deal, like I said, but there's something about me being in social situations that usually leaves me feeling awful for a long time. (This weekend, I'm throwing my son's birthday party, and there will be several people I don't know there, so that's not helping matters either). Well, anyway, I started working on some stuff to go on my son's birthday cake (I'm making a Cocoa Krispies Treat Minecraft house) and I ended up eating more than my share of Cocoa Krispies Treats. I kept saying, in my head, "ok, that's good. You don't need anymore. That's enough." I couldn't stop! Still, my calorie count for the day wasn't too bad, but I did go over my goal (I did exercise, too; I really needed it to burn away some of that anxiety, and that helped).

Anyway, my point is that some days, it's still very tough to control my tendency to eat unhealthily, or overeat. I may try to make it seem like it's easy all the time, now that I'm in "my mode", but there are days when it's going to be a lot to handle. I need to allow myself days like that without feeling bad about it. I was able to get back on track, but in the past, if I'd had a couple of bad days, I'd have let it ruin all the progress I've made so far. I note this morning is my 57th day logging into My Fitness Pal, and I don't think I've ever done that for this long, which definitely reminds me that I'm in it for the long haul this time. I just need to keep this in mind, and keep "finding my east", and pushing forward. :)

Enjoying a Healthy Lifestyle

So I weighed myself this morning, and I'm finally back at 251, so it looks like I can sort of pick up where I left off with the "progress" photos, which are a lot of fun. I think that getting my weight below 250 will really help me to stay motivated (not that I'm not motivated now, but I know that in the past, this is what I have had issues with; the fact that I need things to happen "now, now, now" lol). Anyway, it's been a long time since I've weighed less than 250, so I am glad to see that my patience and perseverance has been paying off.

It has also been great that I now see the whole thing differently than what I used to. I look at my health in terms of a whole, rather than a little challenge here, a big challenge there, etc., and only in terms of my weight. I mean that I am really focused on taking care of my body now (you only get one!) and anything I choose to do will contribute to that. For instance, I did my 40 minute walk yesterday morning after putting my son on the bus, then later on I saw an opportunity to take another walk, and we all went as a family and walked around town together. I didn't see it as "oh, double exercise today! Ugh!!" I'm doing it in a way that I can enjoy it, I'm keeping it interesting (going to different places, never walking in the same area twice within a period of two weeks). I don't wake up anymore with the mentality that "I have to do this, I can't stop now or I won't do it anymore". In fact, I really don't even think about it now, I just get out and enjoy it whenever I feel like it, and always with the understanding that I will feel good afterwards. Regardless of what it looks like, I am slowly re-learning to love my body in any shape it's in, so I don't feel guilty about going a little over my ideal calorie limit once in a while. I have always been a little too hard on myself over those things. I think this is what they mean when they say it has to be less about diet and exercise, and more about a change in your lifestyle.

The Little Things

I was visiting my father, and I felt pretty good when he noticed that I had lost weight. I can tell the difference by looking at my face and my skin; when I'm in my "I couldn't care less" mode, my skin is pale, and I look almost sick. That probably has something to do with my poor circulation (which, by the way, has been great lately, and it actually makes me feel more energetic). Nowadays, my skin looks healthy, and full of color. I don't have to pry my wedding ring off of my finger when I need to, it slides off pretty easily. My old pants are starting to fit me again. It's the little things! It's all about being patient, and just experiencing my life. :)

I have decided that I am only going to weigh myself every two weeks. I don't need to be concerning myself with my weight all the time. I think every other Friday would be good, which is what I've been doing.

Anyway, things are still going great, but I think I may have been over-exerting myself a bit while exercising, so today I just took a leisurely walk down the bike path. I almost felt guilty about it, but then I remembered my doctor asking me "can you walk 30 minutes a day?" and that helped. So today is about taking it a little easier (I really get into it when the music is playing, lol, or if it's been a particularly stressful day for whatever reason, I tend to push myself a little harder). I am noticing that my exercise is also getting easier, so I have to continue to increase the level on my elliptical. If you're like me, you never really think about this when you first start an exercise routine, but it's only so difficult in the beginning because you need to build up those muscles that you never used before. That is exactly what has happened. Plus, I need to start thinking about switching it up a little bit, which may become tougher in the winter. I may think about a gym membership again at some point, but no contracts!