Adjusting to the New Lifestyle

I am actually feeling a lot better! I have more energy during the day and I can think more clearly. I am more confident, which is great! I am still having difficulty falling asleep (my mind loves to race at night), but in the morning I can wake up when the alarm clock goes off without hitting the snooze button three times.

I love this machine, but the only thing that bugs me is that my middle toe on either foot starts to go numb toward the end of my workout. Not a big deal, since by this time I am usually just about done anyway, and it can usually be resolved if I stop for a moment and take the pressure off my foot. I read in a fitness magazine a while back that this is normal with elliptical machines, or any machine that requires repetitive motion for that matter. My biggest concern, as always, is that I am bothering the people downstairs, but this thing is so quiet. Usually they will let me know if they can hear me, especially early in the morning (lol) but they have not done so yet.

My eating habits are getting much better. I am aware of my calorie intake, but more importantly, I am doing a great job avoiding those empty calories. The only problem is still portion control, which is getting better, but still needs work. I have set a daily caloric goal of 1200, and I still sometimes find myself going a little bit over. Not too bad, but I would like to get it down.

On that note, I made this fantastic meal for dinner, and I was blown away to see my husband actually eating tofu!! When I first gave him one, he had this look on his face like he was anticipating that it would be disgusting, then a couple of minutes later, he was like wow, that is awesome! :) Quite an achievement considering he never ate green veggies or seafood in his life until he met me. Anyway, here is the link for the recipe:

Tofu Tacos

 

 

Now I need to cut this short because I have schoolwork and work-work piled up, so I will be back soon! :)



My elliptical machine has arrived! This machine may only weigh 165 lbs, but getting it up the stairs was no picnic...

And after only a few minutes, my living room turned into this:

BUT, magically (all I had to do was snap my fingers)....

I don't want to start using it a whole lot just yet because I would like to put a mat or something underneath it first. This machine is really very quiet, especially for a large piece of gym equipment, but we live in a duplex and there are people who live downstairs from us. It's strange; from the outside, you would think it was a townhouse style duplex, but no, we have the top floor and they have the lower level. So I do worry that they can hear anything that vibrates the floor, etc. I know they can definitely hear when my son jumps or bumps the floor, so the thing with this machine is that the foot pedals are able to move back and forth with the help of these wheels that roll along the bars on the floor:

I do worry that this may be something that can be heard downstairs. I just want to make it clear that I'm not making excuses not to use it, I just need to keep it quiet first!

Now, as for my dieting / coffee & alcohol consumption / etc....

I won't lie, it has been a little tough, and that's why I've been working on this slowly, a little at a time rather than all at once.

First of all, even though I still drink coffee each morning, I have cut it down to a cup a day. I want to eliminate it, as I've said, and replace it with the tea I like, and maybe have a Dunkin' Donuts coffee on the weekends to treat myself. As for the beer, I have had two since I posted about it. Not too bad. :)

The hardest part of my diet, on the other hand (as always), is the "all-or-nothing" mentality I've had. I will wake up in the morning, have a healthy breakfast, and halfway through the day I will stop counting calories or have something that isn't good for me, and then think "oh well, I've already blown it for the day, so let's keep going with it." Portion control is also extremely difficult. This is something that is pretty much instilled in my mind, and it's going to take time (and I'm still working on the mental preparation; that also takes time).

I have also noticed that the stress of being a new litigation paralegal is starting to get to me quite a bit. Normally, I wouldn't react this strongly to the stress, but I am basically re-inventing the wheel here. I trained with my father's former paralegal for less than a month, and I didn't start to really pick up on things until she left. I am trying to do these interrogatories, other discovery procedures, arbitration statements, etc. etc. for the first time ever (and for multiple clients), all while trying to move my father into the new age of technology (he still has a computer that only takes floppy disks; I'm trying to get him online and onto his new laptop he just bought). This job is, hands-down, the most incredibly stressful job I've ever had, and I'm only a part-timer (for now). I'm sure things will start getting easier, but I am basically teaching myself everything. So my point is that while I'm driving in, I feel great, I am happy about the way the morning is going, and ready to take on the day. If I bring any food to work, I do not have any time to eat it. Seriously. It's that bad. I've had a grapefruit on my desk that has been sitting there a week; every day I will say "I'm going to eat this grapefruit today! :D"...it's no good anymore. I actually dream about work quite a bit....I leave the office at 2:00 so I can get my son off the bus, and the whole ride home, all I'm thinking is "I wonder if I should stop at Wendy's. Just this once. I haven't had lunch yet. Oh, maybe Taco Bell. Yes, and Dunkin' Donuts has a new _________." .......AND if that's not enough....school starts this week (full time)....

If there is anything I can say about this (hopefully final) attempt at losing weight, it is this: I can't help but think that this is going to be the most difficult attempt out of all of them.

Having said that, I am very well aware that exercise is going to help me with this a great deal. It's just a matter of getting into it that first couple of days. Those two or three days are by far the most difficult. My body gets tired easily, and I have to drag myself out of bed to use it. I know the routine, I've been there quite a few times. But once I am finally doing it, it will be the best stress reliever I could ask for, and in fact, it's the #1 thing I need right now. So I really need to find a mat or something to put under my machine, like, nowsville....

STEP 3: Planning a Healthy Diet

Well, I actually didn't have any coffee yet today (and it's almost 1:00 p.m.) only because I was so tired that I slept late, and then woke up to find that I have no sugar and no milk...so as you can imagine, my head hurts quite a bit. I will probably end up getting a medium at Dunkin' Donuts, and leave it at that for the day. Maybe start each day with just a cup of coffee. Anyhoo....

Now that you know I have no sugar or milk, you can probably surmise that it's that time of the week to put together a shopping list. We enjoyed a little take-out night last night, and that will serve as our restaurant night (we ordered Chinese, which we haven't done in ages!) I also drank some of my husband's IPA's....which were disgusting, but anyway, booze night is out of the way as well. Note to self: as good as the food was, and with Chinese food leftovers for lunch today, I feel about 10 times more like I got hit by a bus today. Just keep that in mind... :(

I have dusted off the old recipe books and now I am about to go shopping.

I will be back shortly.................

I'm back!! :D

Now that I look at the receipt, I really didn't plan out the next week too well. It's not a really bad thing, I mean, we did get a lot of good, healthy stuff. But I am not exactly sure that I will be able to use all the recipes I put together for the week without having to go out again. When I sat down today and tried to figure out what I was going to make for the week, I was not feeling well at all. It definitely had to be because of the Chinese food we had last night and over the course of the day today, and we didn't have a lot of other food in the house at the time. So I went to the supermarket feeling very irritated, and I wasn't able to think clearly. I am certain that once I start exercising and I have more time to plan this stuff out, this will change a great deal. In the meantime, at least I have healthy stuff in the house!

Also, now that we are going to be getting a lot of produce, I am thinking about making the extra trip to a local farmer's market. Our grocery bill has never been this high before, and we are only a household of 3. I know it can get expensive to eat right, but geez...or maybe it's time to start shopping somewhere else.

One of the big things about eating healthy for me, and a lot of people will agree, is that you can't tell yourself "I can't eat this ________." This will make you want to eat it more than anything, and that will usually end with me eating 3 of whatever it was I said I couldn't eat. That's why I don't have a "last fatty meal" or "say goodbye to bad food." It's always going to be there to have if I really want it. I just have to approach it with a rational mind (something I gain through mental preparation) and say "you know, I could eat this. Do I want to eat it?" (Notice I emphasize the I). The unthinking mind might say yes, but the mind that is prepared to face such a challenge will usually have no second thoughts about saying no, and move on.

However, on the rare occasion that I really am having trouble turning something down, plan B is usually to find something to pre-occupy myself. One of the best ways to do this is to find something healthy to do. I did the same thing when I was quitting smoking, and I had an overwhelming urge to smoke. The first option would usually be to take a walk or go to the gym. Now that I will have the elliptical machine in my living room, I have that open to me as well. When I keep myself busy doing something beneficial to my health, that in itself is usually enough to quash the craving. Another thing I've found that helps a lot is to chew gum. I have gone through a loooot of gum during my weight-loss efforts. This was always my favorite:

If it was not enough and I ended up eating whatever it was I wanted to eat, I would need to remember that the all-or-nothingi mentality would destroy all my hard work, and I couldn't allow that to happen. That is obviously going to be the ultimate challenge for me once I lose the weight.


The Chinese food is done and gone, the good food is in the house, and I am going to be working on my portion sizes. Once I start blogging about how things are going, I vow to be 100% honest about my struggle (or maybe, although unlikely, no-struggle). I have kept my bad eating habits a secret for too long, and I know that it does not help me to hide anything, including from myself. Having this online where the public can see it will help me stay true to myself and push me to follow through  with it. I will be back soon!

STEP 2: Cutting Caffeine and Alchohol

Coffee -- the best part of every morning. In fact, I'm brewing a pot right now as I type this (as you can see above).

I smoked for almost 15 years, and four years ago I was finally able to quit for good (with the help of Chantix, which isn't covered by health insurance. It was certainly worth it though!) With coffee, however, I have not been so lucky.

I go through a pot of coffee every morning, and then sometimes more when I get home from work, depending how tired I feel. Now, I'm not sure how normal it is to drink so much coffee, but it obviously has a negative effect on me because it does not even make me feel more alert anymore. However, if I don't drink it, I feel tired times 5. And  yes, I do drink it with a little more sugar than I should, and usually milk (preferrably cream, but I don't buy it often), but that's not the part that concerns me so much. Either way I look at it, it's not helping my situation at all, and it is clearly having an unhealthy effect on me. Therefore, as much as I hate to admit it, it has to be cut down, at least somewhat.

On the bright side, my second choice for my caffeine-intake is Stash green & white tea (I used to drink this stuff a lot in my healthy days!)

It is worth mentioning that, unless I'm counting calories religiously, I am not a Splenda user. However, for some reason, this tea tastes much better to me if I use Splenda. In fact, if I had no other choice than to drink this tea with sugar, I would probably not drink it. Interestingly, I can't say the same for coffee (I don't really like the taste of Splenda in my coffee).

It's going to be a tough couple of days while I am replacing my coffee with this tea. I don't think I mentioned before that I get migraine headaches, and I can seriously tell the difference between starting the day as I normally do and starting the day with less coffee than usual. Hopefully I will remember this next time and I won't have to go through it again.


Next on the docket:

........I mean, I'm not an alcoholic, but this is a beautiful picture........

I don't drink all the time. In fact, I try to limit it to the weekends, but when I buy a six-pack, I sit there and drink it without a single thought as to how many calories I am drinking. SO, now it's time to look at how many calories are in a bottle of Sam Adams. According to their web site, each beer has different nutritional information. I would have to say that the one I drink the most is the Boston Lager (I love the seasonal varieties, too, but it's Boston Lager by default...I wish Alpine Spring was available year-round, but anyway)...

If I mindlessly drink four bottles out of my six pack in one evening, which is usually about right, that's 700 calories!!!

Over the past couple of years, we have been choosing one day out of each week to go and eat out at a restaurant. I think it would be good if I could have that one day to eat a meal of my choosing, along with a couple of beers (I prefer not to order booze at the restaurant because it's ridiculously expensive; maybe if I buy a six-pack, I can try to make it last three weeks). I've also read that it is actually good for your metabolism to do this (very) occasional calorie spike, because it throws your body off the routine, which can otherwise cause you to plateau. I don't know how true that is, but I can say that I used to eat what I wanted throughout the entire weekend, and I still lost plenty of weight. It's kind of like when they tell you it's absolutely fine to enjoy a slice of birthday cake here and there (although that "one slice of cake" often results in the all-or-nothing mentality for me, which causes me to throw my diet / exercise routine right out the window). So, restaurant night will also become Sam Night! :)


I am pleased to say that I don't need to address the issue of soda drinking. I used to drink more soda than anyone I've ever seen when I was a kid, and into my teens. Somehow, once I moved out on my own, soda lost its appeal, which baffles me. I can rememer being 8 years old and coming home after school, walking into the kitchen, and pouring the biggest glass of Coke for myself that you have ever seen!! It was an after-school ritual. Nowadays, that would nauseate me...and I can happily say that my son doesn't like soda at all, and always says "no" when someone offers it to him. I love this, because I do have to admit that I was, for a while, deeply concerned he would end up following in my footprints.

When I worked at Foxwoods, I worked grave shift with my husband, and this is no easy task when you are a parent. Once we got out of work, we took turns sleeping while the other one watched the baby. My husband went to bed first, and I was a complete and utter zombie throughout the day. This never improved at all during the entire 10 years I worked there, on that shift. In fact, as I got older, it got worse. My husband does a lot better than I did on that shift. Anyway, I was always so tired that the very idea of cooking a meal at home was exhausting, so when my son became a toddler, I would buy these dietary  disasters:

You're probably already aware of this, but these meals are so bad...and I was feeding my son this crap each and every day. In fact, whenever I took him to the supermarket, we'd walk into the frozen food section, and he'd say "mommy, I want the blue!" Like the blue box. We'd just pick out one for each day of the week, and I thought it was okay, because it's pretty much the same thing as a home-cooked meal, right? WRONG!

My son was 3 years old in this picture, and if I remember correctly, he weighed between 50 - 60 lbs. Fortunately (very fortunately) I was lucky enough to have my share of people slapping me upside the head for this, and I learned how to cook (which is something I'd never really done, aside from spaghetti and certain things that don't require half a brain). My husband and I spent a lot more outdoor time with him, and encouraged him to be more active. He has thinned out quite a bit, and he's really grown into his weight, which has remained the same over the following 3 years. His pediatrician was actually blown away by this, and asked us how we did it. I am so lucky that there is a possibility that he won't have to go through the same thing I went through at his age.

Anyway, I will start applying this to my daily routine by cutting down the amount of coffee I drink in the morning, hopefully replacing it with tea by the time the machine gets here; also no more booze except for "restaurant day", and I will also try to keep that at about 2 beers. This is my goal. :)

STEP 1: Mentally Preparing to Make Better Choices

It is necessary to take certain steps to eliminate some of the poor choices that were a result of stress, boredom, and any other challenges that sparked bad habits in the past. I have created three steps that I intend to take which will set the stage for healthier lifestyle choices, and each of these steps will be discussed in its own individual blog:

Step 1: Mentally Preparing to Make Better Choices.

Step 2: Cutting Caffeine and Alcohol Consumption.

Step 3: Planning a Healthy Diet.



As I've mentioned previously, I've had the motivation which led to a temporary health kick which lasted up to two weeks at a time. This has occurred off and on over the past few years. While I may have had the motivation, I did not have the patience or the attention to keep it up. This would typically result in that "fire" being extinguished early on.

The last time I was able to follow through and enjoy the fruits of all that hard work, one of the most important things I did was to meditate regularly to increase my awareness. This is extremely difficult for me at first, because even as I type this, I am in one of those "mental fogs" I mentioned earlier. However, like anything else, it is something that improves gradually over time. Honestly, it's difficult for me whether I have brain fog or not, so that's not a valid excuse.

Not only is meditation a tremendous stress-reliever, it is also the best possible way for me to stay focused. This is important because I frequently over-eat when I am tired (which is often), bored, or under a lot of stress. Meditation will create mindfulness toward what I am putting into my body. It helps with the impulse to over-eat. Portion control is nearly impossible if my mind is somewhere else while I'm eating. Awareness forces you to live in the moment.

This is something that I wrote on meditation a few years back, when I was practicing mindfulness:

"I think one necessary trait of meditation, in my opinion, is that it can prepare us for death. It snaps us back into reality by addressing our aversion to the inevitable by slapping us in the face with it. It tells us to live each moment as if it were our last…because it very well could be. We sit and take time (it takes a lot of time) to persuade ourselves that we aren’t going to live forever. Sometimes, in our daily lives, we wake up, we go through our routine, come home, go to bed, and do the same thing the next day. We don’t appreciate a moment of it because we’re too busy getting worked up about the guy who cut us off in traffic or the report that was due an hour ago. If someone were to walk up to us and tell us “you could die of a heart attack in the next minute,” we shrug it off and say something along the lines of “everyone dies at some point.” We never think about it. As a result, we often engage in self-destructive activities; we endanger our health without a second thought.

In Zen meditation, we prepare ourselves for death by waking ourselves up to the fact that it will happen, and what that means. When we are constantly aware of death, we really wake up to our life. To do this, though, we have to sit and make ourselves aware of it; convince ourselves that nothing lasts forever, and we are no exception. We may do a “death meditation,” during which we persuade ourselves that we are dying (our body grows cold and lifeless, we say goodbye.) In life, we are in such a deep mind-set about who we are and what we “should” be doing right now that we take our focus off the fact that death is always stalking us. Some people might say “what a horrible thing to think about all the time!” The fact is that when we constantly think that this could be our last moment, we make that moment count. Then our life becomes meaningful. We do things we wouldn’t normally do; spend more time with our loved ones; worry less about money and “things”; focus on what really matters.  

Meditation is such an important part of this because it keeps us “aware,” and we take our “awareness” when we stop meditating and apply it to our regular routine; we wake up to the moment and come alive. When we meditate, we sit in a quiet place and simply focus on our breath, then, gradually, our surroundings (the feeling of being present in our body, the room we are sitting in, the slight sounds we may hear.) We clear our mind. Again, this is not so simple for us, because every time a thought enters our mind, we have to gently push it away. I will tell you that a lot of thoughts enter my mind when I do this! This activity that seems so simple becomes incredibly difficult to us; at least in the beginning. Once we are able to do this regularly, we take the technique with us to work or in our car (a place where, if you are anything like me, you experience rage like nowhere else.) We “return to the breath,” meaning, we focus on our breath, then gradually, our surroundings. We become present in our life and appreciate the moments, even when they don’t seem like moments we should appreciate. Our life becomes meaningful, and instead of allowing our emotions take over, we maintain our awareness. In the end, we are thankful for the experience (no matter how horrible it may seem.)"

I used to live with this mentality every single day. Unfortunately, I lost sight of this somewhere along the line, and trying to get it back can truly be a struggle. You need to constantly remind yourself through every waking moment to "focus on your breath" and "be present in the moment" and during meditation, "clear your mind". Clearing your mind is so much easier said than done. With practice, though, it will come. Once you have mastered this part, you really do enjoy your life in ways you may not have experienced before. You feel your connection with the wholeness of the universe.


On another note, yoga is something that I have never done, mostly because of my weight -- remember, I've never made it below 200 lbs.) Once I get my weight down significantly, I think I will make time for it.

Now, to take a moment to go completely off the subject of spirituality and mentality, I was excited to see this list on my facebook page (55 Healthy Snacks Under 200 Calories; I have linked it to the website, since it's small, and it will look blurry if I make it bigger):

I will definitely be using this when I go shopping this weekend. I have always had a tough time figuring out what to do for healthy snacks. Any suggestions are also appreciated!

In the Mail

I have used this program before, it's My Fitness Pal and you can use the app to put in what you've eaten, how many calories you've consumed for the day, what exercise you did, how many calories you burned, etc. At the end of the day, it will tell you how far above or below your goal you are (you need to set a daily caloric intake goal; mine has always been 1,200). Obviously, you should watch it to make sure you are burning more calories than you are taking in by the end of the week, which it monitors for you.

I will, of course, check in with my weight and inches lost here, too, since that's the purpose of this blog, but it's just easier for me personally to see how I am doing with this web site (it has bar graphs, etc., which I like).

Now that I look at it, I notice the last time I used it was 7 months ago, probably during one of those temporary "health modes" I've talked about. I really like this except for the fact that if you don't know how many calories you've burned (the thing that was supposed to record it on the Gazelle was broken, so I never knew exactly how many calories I burned) this program will tell you, but it seems to give way too much credit. I definitely don't think that 30 minutes on the Gazelle will burn 600 calories, but that's what it would tell me, lol...usually I'd burn 600 calories going uphill on the treadmill for almost an hour at level 7, and I can certainly feel the difference! In any event, you can always enter the calories burned manually. This is a really great food diary, too, which I am definitely going to use. It's also good because you can befriend other people who are exercising / dieting and encourage each other. It's just too bad I didn't stick with it 7 months ago, but there's no time better than the present to get back on track.

You know, it's also worth mentioning that when it comes to weight loss, in the last couple of years, I've taken an all-or-nothing approach, and I have been impatient. Now that I am looking at my last recorded weight / inches, I remember thinking 7 months ago that I wasn't getting anywhere (that's what I'm usually thinking, because I've been so impatient lately). Incredibly, I have been at the weight I am now for quite some time, including just before commencing one of these temporary "healthy phases", and since I just checked in at My Fitness Pal, this is what I'm seeing:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think that shows that I was getting somewhere with my exercise routine, as brief as it was. It's time to lose the all-or-nothing mentality for good. I know it says to weigh in once a week, but I think it would be beneficial if I stayed away from the scale for the most part, and maybe just weighed in once or twice a month, paying more attention to inches lost. Easier said than done, but that's what I'm aiming for.

I also got an exciting email today, much quicker than I expected :D

As you can see, I ordered the elliptical machine from Best Buy, only because I set up an account with them to finance my computer last year, so it was just a matter of signing in and placing the order with the Best Buy card (no applying, waiting for approval, etc.) Like I said, it was $650, and I haven't seen it for less anywhere else, so it only made sense. For a $650 machine, this thing got really good reviews. Even if I hadn't taken the time to look at the reviews (which I do before just about every purchase I make), the only cardio machine I've ever owned was the Gazelle, which never cost more than $300, and that's what I'm used to so I'm sure this machine is going to be amazing.  ;)


I cannot wait to finally get a decent night of sleep. Even on the rare occasion that I am able to fall asleep in under 2 hours, no matter how much sleep I get (which can be 10-11 hours on the weekends / days when I don't have to wake up early to put my son on the bus) I am always very tired the next day. I think it's the quality of my sleep that is killing me, and I know that I sleep a lot better when I exercise regularly.

I have thought about getting sleeping pills through my doctor, but in recent years, I have really tried to stay away from any kind of medications that I can live without. I was given a muscle relaxant at some point for my back (one of the many problems associated with being overweight - the other being my knees) and that tends to knock me right out, so I have kept it for those nights when I simply cannot sleep.

 Unfortunately, most of the time (with the exception of the prescription, which makes me feel like a zombie when I wake up), these don't work anyway. Apparently, getting in shape is the answer to many of my problems here. Once I start feeling better, though, I tend to forget how bad I felt when I wasn't taking care of myself. This blog will hopefully serve as a reminder. :)


I am looking forward to spring time, because once the snow melts away and the weather is nice, I plan to start bike-riding. My house is right near a bike path which, according to Greenways Alliance of Rhode Island, span a 15 mile path (and it looks like they are still expanding it, which should result in a 25 mile path). It's been literally years since I've even owned a bike. Actually, I am borrowing two from my father; one for me and one for my husband. It's going to take a little work to get them on the road, but I am excited to start riding them. This year is flying by, so hopefully that will be here before we know it!

Now, to start working on my first healthy grocery list. Recipe time!!

Preparing for Weight Loss

So the elliptical machine is expected to be shipped within 8-14 business days. In the meantime, I am going to start thinking about my dietary routine.

As I mentioned before, when I did this the first time (and I think the second time as well, at least partially; I can't really remember) I was on the Slim Fast diet and I was counting calories. I gave myself a limit of 1,200 calories per day. This may seem low, but my understanding is that if you are very obese, it is okay to do it this way. My physician didn't object to it the last time. And, obviously, this has worked for me in the past.

On the other hand, I do recall that the second time I did this, I was much more concerned about my overall health. As I mentioned before, the first time I lost all that weight, I smoked. I also remember taking those "fat-burning" (water) pills they sell on the commercials. I didn't do those things the second time. I think when I was younger, it was much more about losing weight than it was about becoming healthy for me. Now that I am older, I need to be concerned with my health more than my appearance.

Having said that, I will look at some of the pros and cons of the diet:

Pros

• It has worked before.
• The shakes are really good.
• They are convenient.
• It is easier for me when I am on a regular routine, which the Slim Fast diet provides (I do better when I am clear about my limits; will-power is easily attained).
• The shake contains some good nutrients.

Cons

• It is expensive (usually about $6 - $7 for a case of 6, and at 2/day, that would only last 1/2 a week if I am going to let myself go on the weekends).
• The ingredients consist of preservatives, additives, and other things I don't understand...
• I have a higher chance of gaining back the weight I lost because I can't solidify regular, healthy lifestyle choices when I reach my goal.

That last one is big because part of the Slim Fast diet, last time I was on it, was that once you reached your goal, you could switch to 2 meals per day, and have just one shake to replace the third meal. So basically I'm supposed to use Slim Fast forever?? How's that for a money-making scheme?

If nothing else, I may have an occasional Slim Fast shake and just count my calories. I am torn on the idea of going on the diet again at this point...


During the summer of 2011, I watched that movie Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead on Netflix. That movie deeply inspired me to try the juice fast, and I actually did it for 2 weeks. I bought a juicer and I stopped eating food for those 2 weeks, and I "juiced", or, as they say on their website, I "re-booted". I went into one of those brief health modes that I had mentioned (I'm pretty sure that at that point, I weighed about the same as I do now).

 

I still think that is a great, very motivational film to this day, and if you haven't seen it, you should! Here is the extended trailer; it explains things pretty well:

 

 

So anyway, the only problem with this is that you aren't supposed to do any high-intensity workouts while on the juice diet. I think they said you should take walks (someone even mentioned light jogging) but they do not recommend any challenging workouts. I feel that exercise is necessary for me right now, so I'm thinking about buying a new juicer (you really need a good one; we destroyed the one we had that summer because we were constantly using it, and we had to dispose of it) and I think I'm going to "juice" as part of my diet, but still eat solid food. So I'm not going to "reboot" but I would still like to get those important vitamins and minerals out of the deal.

 

 

One of the biggest difficulties I do forsee is the fact that over the past couple of years, I have developed a love for cooking; particularly baking...

 

 

^There are plenty more where these came from...

 

So, I would like to start putting together some healthy recipes. Any input would be appreciated!

 

Facing the Facts

Hi! Let me start by saying that I have never actually had my own blog that I have used before. Lately, I haven't really had a lot of time for something like this, but I think that it would be tremendously helpful with my attempt at losing weight.

A little about myself. I am 29 years old, married, and I have a six year old boy. We live in West Warwick, RI. I just started working as a paralegal with my father at his personal injury law office (he is a solo practitioner). I am about to graduate from CCRI in May with an Associate's degree in paralegal studies. This is a huge accomplishment for me because I actually dropped out of high school when I was 16, and now that I am back in school, I am getting straight A's and I am a member of Phi Theta Kappa, so it's pretty exciting for me because I think of it as a fresh start. This brings me to my weight loss quest...

This is where the bad stuff comes in. Don't let my profile pic fool you...I have mastered the art of minimizing my extreme overweight appearance in my photos. From the time I was in my teens, it is difficult for me to find any pictures in which I am not hiding beneath my hair or covered in some other way. Now, the time has come for me to bring all of that into the light. It will contribute to the motivation I need to fix the problem.

I have been overweight for as long as I can remember. Once you are accustomed to a comfortable, sedentary lifestyle, it's unimaginably difficult to change it, and it stays with you. Try not to pay attention to the absolutely horrible quality of my scanner...

In my teens, I was significantly overweight...

 

Hey, who's that underneath all that hair??

 

The first one was of me when I was 14. I worked at McDonald's until I was 18, so that's what's up with the uniform. In the second one, I am sitting in between my friend Kate on the left and my sister on the right. Yep, I was what they called a "goth". I loved Marilyn Manson, as much as it pains me now to say that. Anyway, my point is that you can see that I have struggled with my weight an awful long time.

 

This is not my first attempt at weight loss -- in fact, I have succeeded greatly, not once, but twice.

By the time I was about 19, I was working at Foxwoods as a security guard (I would end up there for 10 years). I remember being at a standing post where there was a mirror. The posts last for 2 hours at a time, which gave me plenty of time to continuously stare at my large self in the mirror. I felt disgusted with myself, and it turned out to be the motivation I needed to do something about it.

I bought a Tony Little Gazelle Freestyle Elite. Yes, the flimsy "ski-machine-looking-thing" that people make fun of whenever I tell them about it lol...but it changed my life.

I'd never had a gym membership at this point and I refused to be seen running or exercising outside, due to fear of utter embarassment. I set that machine up in the den and I used it 5-6 days / week for at least 30 minutes / day (we also had a couple of free weights and similar things which I used every other day). On the weekends, I allowed myself to eat what I wanted. I was on the Slim Fast diet during the week (and I was strict about it, too. I ate pretty much the same thing every day for my one meal: a can of soup or a big bowl of cereal with some fruit, and then some healthy snacks in between slim fast meals). I was absolutely amazed at how easy it was for me, and I'd wondered why I had waited so long to do it. My routine never changed. I find that interesting because people will say that unless you switch it up, you will hit a plateau. That didn't happen to me for at least 6 months. After 6 months, I had gone from 262 lbs (yes, at age 19) down to 200 lbs. In my entire adult life, I have never weighed less than 200 lbs, but I was, without question, the thinnest I had ever been:

 

In the first picture, I was on the private balcony of my room during my cruise to the Carribean. The second picture is of me with my husband when we first started dating. In that picture, I was 20 years old.

I was so fond of the Gazelle, but the truth is, it is pretty flimsy and it did break a couple of times. The elite was recalled; I guess people were having the same problems that I was having. I ended up going through a couple of them lol...but it did what it was meant to, and I swore by it!

A lot of people can confirm that the hardest part of losing weight is keeping it off. I am one of those people. Once I lost all that weight, I thought "hey, I don't have to do this anymore! I'm gonna be thin forever!" Well, 200 lbs. isn't exactly thin for a 20 year old woman, but I was satisfied with it. I stopped exercising. I stopped counting calories and ate whatever I wanted. I blew right back up again -- I put every pound I had lost right back on, and then some...

Normally, I would never in a million years allow these atrocious photos of me with my now husband to be shown to, um...anyone really lol. Both of these were taken about a year before I got pregnant, so I must have been about 22 years old. Now that I look at the first one, I am reminded that I was a smoker the whole time I was losing weight and exercising. Yep, I remember after each workout, I stepped outside and had a butt...that's pretty gross when I think of it lol. And yeah, true to my teenage self, I still had black hair at this point, which looks hideous on me. POINT IS, I was back up to 265 lbs.

After I gave birth to my son at 23, I went through a period of depression. I wish I could blame it on something like post-partum depression, but it lasted for well over a year, and I had been diagnosed with major depressive disorder several years earlier. I hit rock bottom, and could only go one way - up. I went back into health mode, and started to see that over my life, I became depressed when I went for a long period of time without taking care of my body. I know now that when I feel depressed, it can be relieved by exercising. I have experienced depression for so many years that I can no longer deny this fact. This may not be true for everyone, but there is no question about it for me. My son was a toddler when I signed up for a gym membership. I still had the Gazelle, and I used it every day just like I did before, but once I lost enough weight, I started going to the gym regularly instead. I went back down to 200 lbs from 265, and I was not smoking anymore. I used the various weights at the gym regularly, and I can honestly say that this was definitely the best shape I'd ever been in. I felt great, I looked a lot better, and I had a ton of energy.

Like I said, I have never, in my adult life, weighed less than 200 lbs, so this is not the absolute best I could do, but I seem to hit a plateau once I reach the 200 mark. It has happened both times. I would like to go down to at least 160, since I am 5'8", but I don't know if that will ever happen. We will see.

It seems that I didn't learn my lesson the first time, because once I hit that plateau, I stopped exercising again and started eating all the crap that was killing me yet again. I gained it all back again, and then some. Of course, you don't lose weight overnight, so you can't gain it all back overnight, but I was always in denial about it. I stayed far away from the scale and chose not to look at the pictures, etc. Four years later, I am in the worst shape I have ever been in. Sometimes all it takes is a photo like this to make you realize you have a big problem (literally)...

The difference now is that I am starting to notice problems with my health. I have always been overweight, but I have never had any major issues with my health. That seems to be changing now. I am 29, and I weigh 270 lbs. (there, I said it). The biggest problem seems to be with my circulation. I wake up in the middle of the night and I can't feel my limbs sometimes; I have to shift my position to get the blood flowing again. I am constantly yawning, which I understand is also a circulation problem. Probably the worst symptom I am experiencing is my mental fog and a feeling of being disconnected from my body. This is the worst because I feel it constantly, and it's really hard to explain. I sleep horribly; it takes me hours to get to sleep. I am overwhelmed by stress. I am so, incredibly tired all the time, and easily irritated. I forget a lot of things and can't think clearly. I have been checked for thyroid problems, but that turned out negative. I get heart palpitations sometimes, and recently, I almost had my husband take me to the hospital because it was really bad (continuous for about an hour). I have had an EKG for this a couple of years ago, and it turned out to be nothing, according to them. I know this all has to do with the fact that I haven't taken care of myself.

That's not to mention the little problems. When I was exercising regularly, I never had acne. My hair was always so smooth, and I felt good about my appearance. Naturally, that is an added bonus, but in the past, my reason for exercising was to feel better, physically. In fact, even at the weight I am now, I realize that just one workout will change the way I feel. Sometimes if I had to study for a test and I had the foggy-brain feeling, I would set aside 20 minutes to use the Gazelle just before studying, and this would make a huge difference. I can endure quite a bit for someone my size. I can go an extraordinarily long time on a cardio machine without feeling overly winded.

Since gaining back all of this weight, I have had a YMCA membership. I would become motivated, then start going fairly regularly for a couple of weeks, then I would not want to get up, get dressed, drive all the way there, etc. etc. so it never would last more than a couple of weeks. I would go through these phases every month or so. Eventually, I cancelled it because it was becoming a waste of money ($70 / month family plan [with my son as part of it], and we rarely used it). I now realize that I need to have something in the home that I can use without getting ready or going for a drive. This gives me no option to make excuses. That's how it worked before, and that's how I expect it to work again. That's why I ordered this yesterday:

It's the Nautilus - E514 Elliptical Trainer. I can make monthly payments that are the same as a gym membership for two people, and it's mine to keep forever. As much as I enjoyed the Y, I never even used the pool once in the entire 2 years I was with them. In fact, the only reason I went with them was because my son had his own gym to play in while I was exercising. Who knows, maybe I'll sign him up for summer camp, but the gym membership is not for me anymore.

What I am getting at here is this: I am 29 years old, and I am not getting any younger. My metabolism is slowing down. I just started working as a paralegal, I feel like a fool because of how I look, and I just know that other people in the office are thinking what is with this woman? I'm not comfortable in my own skin. My "fat clothes" are starting to get tight on me. I feel overwhelmed with school and work, and I have high standards for my grades and my job that I desperately want to try to live up to.

Most importantly, that day I thought I was going to have a heart attack because of my heart palpitations was truly a wake-up call for me. I need to be here for my family, and I cannot take any more chances with my health. The $650 I am spending on this elliptical trainer is peanuts compared to the amount of money it would cost if I have a major health event or, god forbid, funeral expenses. I have thought about how my son would feel if I left him, and it kills me. It's hard enough losing a parent as an adult.

The way I see it, this is my last real opportunity, and this time, I need to face the challenge of keeping the weight off and keeping up with my healthy routine. I know that it needs to be a way of life. Truth is, it's not as easy as it was when I was younger. I have told myself "oh, I am going to lose this many pounds in this much time" and it just doesn't happen anymore like it did before. I need all the support I can get. So that's why I'm here, and I hope it gives me the inspiration I need to keep going with it. Thanks for taking the time to read my blog, and please give me as much constructive criticism as you can!