A little about myself. I am 29 years old, married, and I have a six year old boy. We live in West Warwick, RI. I just started working as a paralegal with my father at his personal injury law office (he is a solo practitioner). I am about to graduate from CCRI in May with an Associate's degree in paralegal studies. This is a huge accomplishment for me because I actually dropped out of high school when I was 16, and now that I am back in school, I am getting straight A's and I am a member of Phi Theta Kappa, so it's pretty exciting for me because I think of it as a fresh start. This brings me to my weight loss quest...
This is where the bad stuff comes in. Don't let my profile pic fool you...I have mastered the art of minimizing my extreme overweight appearance in my photos. From the time I was in my teens, it is difficult for me to find any pictures in which I am not hiding beneath my hair or covered in some other way. Now, the time has come for me to bring all of that into the light. It will contribute to the motivation I need to fix the problem.
I have been overweight for as long as I can remember. Once you are accustomed to a comfortable, sedentary lifestyle, it's unimaginably difficult to change it, and it stays with you. Try not to pay attention to the absolutely horrible quality of my scanner...
In my teens, I was significantly overweight...
Hey, who's that underneath all that hair??
The first one was of me when I was 14. I worked at McDonald's until I was 18, so that's what's up with the uniform. In the second one, I am sitting in between my friend Kate on the left and my sister on the right. Yep, I was what they called a "goth". I loved Marilyn Manson, as much as it pains me now to say that. Anyway, my point is that you can see that I have struggled with my weight an awful long time.
By the time I was about 19, I was working at Foxwoods as a security guard (I would end up there for 10 years). I remember being at a standing post where there was a mirror. The posts last for 2 hours at a time, which gave me plenty of time to continuously stare at my large self in the mirror. I felt disgusted with myself, and it turned out to be the motivation I needed to do something about it.
I bought a Tony Little Gazelle Freestyle Elite. Yes, the flimsy "ski-machine-looking-thing" that people make fun of whenever I tell them about it lol...but it changed my life.
I'd never had a gym membership at this point and I refused to be seen running or exercising outside, due to fear of utter embarassment. I set that machine up in the den and I used it 5-6 days / week for at least 30 minutes / day (we also had a couple of free weights and similar things which I used every other day). On the weekends, I allowed myself to eat what I wanted. I was on the Slim Fast diet during the week (and I was strict about it, too. I ate pretty much the same thing every day for my one meal: a can of soup or a big bowl of cereal with some fruit, and then some healthy snacks in between slim fast meals). I was absolutely amazed at how easy it was for me, and I'd wondered why I had waited so long to do it. My routine never changed. I find that interesting because people will say that unless you switch it up, you will hit a plateau. That didn't happen to me for at least 6 months. After 6 months, I had gone from 262 lbs (yes, at age 19) down to 200 lbs. In my entire adult life, I have never weighed less than 200 lbs, but I was, without question, the thinnest I had ever been:
In the first picture, I was on the private balcony of my room during my cruise to the Carribean. The second picture is of me with my husband when we first started dating. In that picture, I was 20 years old.
I was so fond of the Gazelle, but the truth is, it is pretty flimsy and it did break a couple of times. The elite was recalled; I guess people were having the same problems that I was having. I ended up going through a couple of them lol...but it did what it was meant to, and I swore by it!
A lot of people can confirm that the hardest part of losing weight is keeping it off. I am one of those people. Once I lost all that weight, I thought "hey, I don't have to do this anymore! I'm gonna be thin forever!" Well, 200 lbs. isn't exactly thin for a 20 year old woman, but I was satisfied with it. I stopped exercising. I stopped counting calories and ate whatever I wanted. I blew right back up again -- I put every pound I had lost right back on, and then some...
Normally, I would never in a million years allow these atrocious photos of me with my now husband to be shown to, um...anyone really lol. Both of these were taken about a year before I got pregnant, so I must have been about 22 years old. Now that I look at the first one, I am reminded that I was a smoker the whole time I was losing weight and exercising. Yep, I remember after each workout, I stepped outside and had a butt...that's pretty gross when I think of it lol. And yeah, true to my teenage self, I still had black hair at this point, which looks hideous on me. POINT IS, I was back up to 265 lbs.
After I gave birth to my son at 23, I went through a period of depression. I wish I could blame it on something like post-partum depression, but it lasted for well over a year, and I had been diagnosed with major depressive disorder several years earlier. I hit rock bottom, and could only go one way - up. I went back into health mode, and started to see that over my life, I became depressed when I went for a long period of time without taking care of my body. I know now that when I feel depressed, it can be relieved by exercising. I have experienced depression for so many years that I can no longer deny this fact. This may not be true for everyone, but there is no question about it for me. My son was a toddler when I signed up for a gym membership. I still had the Gazelle, and I used it every day just like I did before, but once I lost enough weight, I started going to the gym regularly instead. I went back down to 200 lbs from 265, and I was not smoking anymore. I used the various weights at the gym regularly, and I can honestly say that this was definitely the best shape I'd ever been in. I felt great, I looked a lot better, and I had a ton of energy.
Like I said, I have never, in my adult life, weighed less than 200 lbs, so this is not the absolute best I could do, but I seem to hit a plateau once I reach the 200 mark. It has happened both times. I would like to go down to at least 160, since I am 5'8", but I don't know if that will ever happen. We will see.
It seems that I didn't learn my lesson the first time, because once I hit that plateau, I stopped exercising again and started eating all the crap that was killing me yet again. I gained it all back again, and then some. Of course, you don't lose weight overnight, so you can't gain it all back overnight, but I was always in denial about it. I stayed far away from the scale and chose not to look at the pictures, etc. Four years later, I am in the worst shape I have ever been in. Sometimes all it takes is a photo like this to make you realize you have a big problem (literally)...
The difference now is that I am starting to notice problems with my health. I have always been overweight, but I have never had any major issues with my health. That seems to be changing now. I am 29, and I weigh 270 lbs. (there, I said it). The biggest problem seems to be with my circulation. I wake up in the middle of the night and I can't feel my limbs sometimes; I have to shift my position to get the blood flowing again. I am constantly yawning, which I understand is also a circulation problem. Probably the worst symptom I am experiencing is my mental fog and a feeling of being disconnected from my body. This is the worst because I feel it constantly, and it's really hard to explain. I sleep horribly; it takes me hours to get to sleep. I am overwhelmed by stress. I am so, incredibly tired all the time, and easily irritated. I forget a lot of things and can't think clearly. I have been checked for thyroid problems, but that turned out negative. I get heart palpitations sometimes, and recently, I almost had my husband take me to the hospital because it was really bad (continuous for about an hour). I have had an EKG for this a couple of years ago, and it turned out to be nothing, according to them. I know this all has to do with the fact that I haven't taken care of myself.
That's not to mention the little problems. When I was exercising regularly, I never had acne. My hair was always so smooth, and I felt good about my appearance. Naturally, that is an added bonus, but in the past, my reason for exercising was to feel better, physically. In fact, even at the weight I am now, I realize that just one workout will change the way I feel. Sometimes if I had to study for a test and I had the foggy-brain feeling, I would set aside 20 minutes to use the Gazelle just before studying, and this would make a huge difference. I can endure quite a bit for someone my size. I can go an extraordinarily long time on a cardio machine without feeling overly winded.
Since gaining back all of this weight, I have had a YMCA membership. I would become motivated, then start going fairly regularly for a couple of weeks, then I would not want to get up, get dressed, drive all the way there, etc. etc. so it never would last more than a couple of weeks. I would go through these phases every month or so. Eventually, I cancelled it because it was becoming a waste of money ($70 / month family plan [with my son as part of it], and we rarely used it). I now realize that I need to have something in the home that I can use without getting ready or going for a drive. This gives me no option to make excuses. That's how it worked before, and that's how I expect it to work again. That's why I ordered this yesterday:
It's the Nautilus - E514 Elliptical Trainer. I can make monthly payments that are the same as a gym membership for two people, and it's mine to keep forever. As much as I enjoyed the Y, I never even used the pool once in the entire 2 years I was with them. In fact, the only reason I went with them was because my son had his own gym to play in while I was exercising. Who knows, maybe I'll sign him up for summer camp, but the gym membership is not for me anymore.
What I am getting at here is this: I am 29 years old, and I am not getting any younger. My metabolism is slowing down. I just started working as a paralegal, I feel like a fool because of how I look, and I just know that other people in the office are thinking what is with this woman? I'm not comfortable in my own skin. My "fat clothes" are starting to get tight on me. I feel overwhelmed with school and work, and I have high standards for my grades and my job that I desperately want to try to live up to.
Most importantly, that day I thought I was going to have a heart attack because of my heart palpitations was truly a wake-up call for me. I need to be here for my family, and I cannot take any more chances with my health. The $650 I am spending on this elliptical trainer is peanuts compared to the amount of money it would cost if I have a major health event or, god forbid, funeral expenses. I have thought about how my son would feel if I left him, and it kills me. It's hard enough losing a parent as an adult.
The way I see it, this is my last real opportunity, and this time, I need to face the challenge of keeping the weight off and keeping up with my healthy routine. I know that it needs to be a way of life. Truth is, it's not as easy as it was when I was younger. I have told myself "oh, I am going to lose this many pounds in this much time" and it just doesn't happen anymore like it did before. I need all the support I can get. So that's why I'm here, and I hope it gives me the inspiration I need to keep going with it. Thanks for taking the time to read my blog, and please give me as much constructive criticism as you can!
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