Zen for Overeating

So to get into what I'm doing a little bit, as I've said, I've started meditating every day, the way I used to about five years back, when I was at peak mental and physical health (for me, anyway). It's never perfect, not as of yet, anyway, but there really isn't a "wrong way" to meditate, and any little bit of time spent doing it helps. See, for a long time, I used to think that I wasn't doing it right, since several years ago, I saw myself as a person who knew pretty much everything about it; I was doing it "right", I was balanced, etc. etc. The thing is that I am not a different person than I was back then, and that is something I need to continue to understand. I am still the same "me". No matter how well I may have dealt with stress then, no matter how dedicated I was compared to how I am now, I am still, and have always been, the same person. I have become accustomed to referring to myself (in my mind, of course, not out loud, or people might think I'm crazy) to "Monica today" vs. "Monica yesterday". This is what I sometimes thought about when dieting; "today is different. This time will be different." It just does not work that way. If I over-indulge one day, it doesn't make sense to say "well, I blew it today, I'll just pick it back up tomorrow". I won't be a different person; it won't erase all the damage I've done by letting myself get away with it today! This is one of my biggest mistakes when it comes to weight loss.

One of the great things about meditation is that it has helped me to bring constant awareness to myself. It's not something I always have to do while sitting alone, and perfectly still. When I walk, I meditate, and it makes it a much more enjoyable experience. When I'm at work, and I'm at my desk, in between phone calls and anything that requires my perfect attention, I focus on my body, and clear my mind. I'm getting so much better at clearing my mind, but I still need to keep working on it! At first, it is hard to make this a part of life. You have to do it any chance you get. For instance, right now, as I sit here typing, and I stop to take a break, I will bring my body into focus; focus on my breath, and when a thought pops into my head, acknowledge it and return the focus to my breath. As I continue to focus on my breath, I can start to focus on the feeling of sitting in my chair, my feet on the floor, my fingers on the keyboard, my clothing, and slowly to the room I'm sitting in, the noises, the temperature, etc. If my mind tries to say "oh, maybe tomorrow I should..." (and believe me, it will) I let the thought pass, and bring the attention back to my breath and my body. This is what it is to "wake up to your life" and live in the moment. Living in the past, or the future, (and I'm sorry, but I have to quote my favorite band here, lol) "separates the body from the mind", and that's where we run into problems. Self-awareness resolves this problem. Over time, it becomes easier to do this, and it can be done while driving, or basically doing anything. So doing this will also make me more aware of what I'm doing to my body. If I'm anxious, I can understand that I'm anxious, and allow myself to be anxious, but focus on keeping the awareness, clearing my mind, etc. Doing this regularly has eased that constant need for self-medication, which in my case, is food. I won't eat mindlessly if I am always mindful.

Amazingly, I have known all of this for some time. I knew it, and I even preached it, but I stopped doing it myself. I have even heard it from people for years. My therapist would tell me to do this, and my response would be "yeah, I know what you mean. I used to do this all the time", and I wouldn't do it, I'd just continue on the same destructive path I was on. Same thing with the obesity study; what they were really trying to do was teach us how to control our emotions so that we could control our eating. My response, again, was "oh yeah, I know what you're doing, blah blah, I know how to do it" and I didn't do it. I think I even started to talk about it on this blog some time ago!! But do you think I practiced what I preached? Nope. It's so much easier to say to someone, "hey, stop worrying! Take some breaths!" than it is to do it yourself. And yet, it's so simple!

I have started to realize that I can't expect results right away. A flower grows, but you don't see it grow because it takes a lot of time (while you're usually busy running around like crazy, lol). I was taking on too much stuff at once, and expecting immediate results. It has been the same with many other things I do in my life; learning other languages, playing piano, etc. I was too focused on the end result, and not enjoying the ride. I'm finally learning to do that again, and my reasons are not to lose weight per se, but so that I can improve my life, which is pretty much what zen is all about, right? After all, I can't experience life to its fullest potential if I don't take care of myself.