I dropped out of the research program because I felt like I was under too much pressure. I could not deal with constantly writing everything down that I was eating, just so someone could get out their red pen at the end of each week and make their notes and comments. I felt like I was doing everything wrong. I would weigh in each week, and sometimes I'd lost a couple of lbs; other times, it was way up. I couldn't face feeling embarrassed about myself all the time anymore. I do feel really terrible about it, because one of the conditions I agreed to when I entered was that I would not stop coming to sessions, and I would not drop out. I made up a story and told them I couldn't come back anymore, and they still call and email me (and have been doing so for the past few months). It's hard to think about that, and I definitely feel guilty about it.
I did acknowledge, though, that I have a pretty big problem, in that I have had no luck with controlling myself, and I went to a therapist. She said that there are a lot of people like me who eat compulsively, in response to emotions. I understand now that ever since I was very little, I have had a hard time trying to figure out what to do with any negative (and sometimes, even positive) emotions that I was feeling. I couldn't express them (I won't go into detail about that) so I sought comfort in food, and this coping mechanism has stayed with me my whole life. I honestly never wanted to look at the hard fact - that my eating habits really are different from everyone else's, and I can't become a healthier person until I fix that.
I bought a notebook and started the practice of actually listening to my body for the first time. I was reluctant to do this (the therapist advised it) because I kept thinking yeah, yeah; I know how I'm feeling when I get the urge to eat. I don't need to write it down, it's always that I'm either stressed or bored. But I did it anyway because I was desperate at that point, and not getting anywhere just trying to do it alone. I would recognize when I got the urge to eat, then ask myself whether it was because I was hungry or not. If so, it was time to eat and that's that. If not, what am I feeling? Amazingly, I found that I frequently felt many emotions, not just stress from work or boredom, but other uncomfortable emotions and physical feelings as well. For instance, I would often eat in response to social anxiety (which I feel often). Talking to people on the phone, or selling stuff to Craigslist buyers. Other times, I am overtired. Sometimes, I'm frustrated or angry at my husband or my son. Writing it down has helped me a lot, and at first, I wrote it down and ate anyway, but then I started to recognize these feelings automatically, and it actually took away the urge to eat. It's the same with portion size; I will put a reasonably portioned amount of food on the plate, and if I have the urge to eat more, I ask myself what I am feeling.
Another thing the therapist helped me with is to recognize when I am limiting myself. I have always seen myself as someone who can't finish anything. I do this with everything; if I start a new hobby (i.e. cake decorating) I see myself as someone who started to get into cake decorating, but because I can never finish what I start, I can't do it anymore. I have always defined myself this way, and it contributes to my downfall. It was the same with losing weight; I got down to 200 lbs, but since I can't finish anything, that's the lowest my weight has ever been in my adult life. Once I take this limit off myself, I can do anything. :) See, sometimes it helps to have an outside perspective!
So now I am listening to my body, and I have been doing this without faltering for about a week now. I'm not counting calories, and I'm not writing down what I am eating; but I am choosing to eat healthfully, I'm portioning my food within reason, and being mindful of when my body is no longer hungry. I exercise, not with the intention of losing weight, but to improve the quality of my life (because I know that if I don't, I will have no energy to successfully face the challenges of my daily life). If I keep this up, I know that I will be just fine. I actually thought I had put back on the 20 lbs. I'd lost since I last checked in, but I was at the doctor's today, and I was pleasantly surprised to see that I weigh 254 lbs, so I can almost pick up where I left off. So that is promising! :)
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