So I was walking for about 3 hours on Columbus Day (Monday) at this art festival, and while I was walking, I somehow pulled a muscle in my lower back. I've had sciatic problems off and on for years, but my back pain is really debilitating this time. I have no idea how I could have hurt it so bad just by walking! I think this means I really need to start focusing on toning my muscles and strengthening my core, which is something I really haven't been doing lately.
Anyway, needless to say, I've been resting it all week. In the past, I would have felt guilty about skipping exercise, which would have ended with me giving up on the whole thing (i.e., I would start eating mindlessly, and throw away the whole idea of being healthy). This time, though, I've been doing really well. I don't put so much thought into it, because it's more about my health than it is directly about losing weight (although weight loss obviously contributes a great deal to my health). I do try to ascertain whether it would be a good day to start getting back into my daily routine, but every time I move the wrong way, it prevents my back from healing (lol), so I understand that it's not the best time to start thinking about that. I remember when I was a part of the study by Brown University, they had told us that watching our calories is more effective than exercise, so I have kept that in mind as well.
I just feel a lot calmer in general, like I'm not overwhelmed by stress the way I used to be, and I am more equipped to handle anything that comes my way. Of course, being mindful has enabled me to feel this way. I make it a point to take at least a few minutes here and there to practice mindfulness. There are no rules to being mindful; a few minutes here and there is better than nothing. In the meantime, I'll continue to enjoy this "peace" I have found, and focus on being present in the moment, rather than waiting for the day when my back pain will go away so I can exercise again. :)
Thursday, October 16, 2014
Saturday, October 11, 2014
Still Going Strong
Just thought I would check in to say that everything is still going very well. I log in to My Fitness Pal every day to keep track of everything. I am not weighing myself every day like I said I was going to do last year, because that's not what this whole thing is about, but I did go back to my doctor and found that I did lose 4 lbs.; that was last week, so I don't know how much progress I've made to date.
I have been impressing myself with my will power. On the occasional restaurant night (I mean very occasional; it's not even once a week anymore, which is great) I look for healthier options, and I don't feel like I'm depriving myself at all! My husband and son even wanted to stop at Newport Creamery after dinner to get a milkshake, and I was not even remotely interested, but I still went with them. When I said I didn't want anything (I was more concerned with keeping my blood pressure down, because when it gets up there, I feel very uncomfortable, and the sodium content of my meal was a bit on the high side) my husband looked at me like I was nuts, lol. But again, what's important is that I didn't feel like I was depriving myself. I am able to look at food as something that I am always lucky enough to have around whenever I need it; just a part of life, and not something that I need to use to fill a void. I feel so much more focused and balanced, and so much better physically as well. I couldn't be happier with the way things have been so far. :)
I have been impressing myself with my will power. On the occasional restaurant night (I mean very occasional; it's not even once a week anymore, which is great) I look for healthier options, and I don't feel like I'm depriving myself at all! My husband and son even wanted to stop at Newport Creamery after dinner to get a milkshake, and I was not even remotely interested, but I still went with them. When I said I didn't want anything (I was more concerned with keeping my blood pressure down, because when it gets up there, I feel very uncomfortable, and the sodium content of my meal was a bit on the high side) my husband looked at me like I was nuts, lol. But again, what's important is that I didn't feel like I was depriving myself. I am able to look at food as something that I am always lucky enough to have around whenever I need it; just a part of life, and not something that I need to use to fill a void. I feel so much more focused and balanced, and so much better physically as well. I couldn't be happier with the way things have been so far. :)
Thursday, October 2, 2014
Zen for Overeating
So to get into what I'm doing a little bit, as I've said, I've started meditating every day, the way I used to about five years back, when I was at peak mental and physical health (for me, anyway). It's never perfect, not as of yet, anyway, but there really isn't a "wrong way" to meditate, and any little bit of time spent doing it helps. See, for a long time, I used to think that I wasn't doing it right, since several years ago, I saw myself as a person who knew pretty much everything about it; I was doing it "right", I was balanced, etc. etc. The thing is that I am not a different person than I was back then, and that is something I need to continue to understand. I am still the same "me". No matter how well I may have dealt with stress then, no matter how dedicated I was compared to how I am now, I am still, and have always been, the same person. I have become accustomed to referring to myself (in my mind, of course, not out loud, or people might think I'm crazy) to "Monica today" vs. "Monica yesterday". This is what I sometimes thought about when dieting; "today is different. This time will be different." It just does not work that way. If I over-indulge one day, it doesn't make sense to say "well, I blew it today, I'll just pick it back up tomorrow". I won't be a different person; it won't erase all the damage I've done by letting myself get away with it today! This is one of my biggest mistakes when it comes to weight loss.
One of the great things about meditation is that it has helped me to bring constant awareness to myself. It's not something I always have to do while sitting alone, and perfectly still. When I walk, I meditate, and it makes it a much more enjoyable experience. When I'm at work, and I'm at my desk, in between phone calls and anything that requires my perfect attention, I focus on my body, and clear my mind. I'm getting so much better at clearing my mind, but I still need to keep working on it! At first, it is hard to make this a part of life. You have to do it any chance you get. For instance, right now, as I sit here typing, and I stop to take a break, I will bring my body into focus; focus on my breath, and when a thought pops into my head, acknowledge it and return the focus to my breath. As I continue to focus on my breath, I can start to focus on the feeling of sitting in my chair, my feet on the floor, my fingers on the keyboard, my clothing, and slowly to the room I'm sitting in, the noises, the temperature, etc. If my mind tries to say "oh, maybe tomorrow I should..." (and believe me, it will) I let the thought pass, and bring the attention back to my breath and my body. This is what it is to "wake up to your life" and live in the moment. Living in the past, or the future, (and I'm sorry, but I have to quote my favorite band here, lol) "separates the body from the mind", and that's where we run into problems. Self-awareness resolves this problem. Over time, it becomes easier to do this, and it can be done while driving, or basically doing anything. So doing this will also make me more aware of what I'm doing to my body. If I'm anxious, I can understand that I'm anxious, and allow myself to be anxious, but focus on keeping the awareness, clearing my mind, etc. Doing this regularly has eased that constant need for self-medication, which in my case, is food. I won't eat mindlessly if I am always mindful.
Amazingly, I have known all of this for some time. I knew it, and I even preached it, but I stopped doing it myself. I have even heard it from people for years. My therapist would tell me to do this, and my response would be "yeah, I know what you mean. I used to do this all the time", and I wouldn't do it, I'd just continue on the same destructive path I was on. Same thing with the obesity study; what they were really trying to do was teach us how to control our emotions so that we could control our eating. My response, again, was "oh yeah, I know what you're doing, blah blah, I know how to do it" and I didn't do it. I think I even started to talk about it on this blog some time ago!! But do you think I practiced what I preached? Nope. It's so much easier to say to someone, "hey, stop worrying! Take some breaths!" than it is to do it yourself. And yet, it's so simple!
I have started to realize that I can't expect results right away. A flower grows, but you don't see it grow because it takes a lot of time (while you're usually busy running around like crazy, lol). I was taking on too much stuff at once, and expecting immediate results. It has been the same with many other things I do in my life; learning other languages, playing piano, etc. I was too focused on the end result, and not enjoying the ride. I'm finally learning to do that again, and my reasons are not to lose weight per se, but so that I can improve my life, which is pretty much what zen is all about, right? After all, I can't experience life to its fullest potential if I don't take care of myself.
One of the great things about meditation is that it has helped me to bring constant awareness to myself. It's not something I always have to do while sitting alone, and perfectly still. When I walk, I meditate, and it makes it a much more enjoyable experience. When I'm at work, and I'm at my desk, in between phone calls and anything that requires my perfect attention, I focus on my body, and clear my mind. I'm getting so much better at clearing my mind, but I still need to keep working on it! At first, it is hard to make this a part of life. You have to do it any chance you get. For instance, right now, as I sit here typing, and I stop to take a break, I will bring my body into focus; focus on my breath, and when a thought pops into my head, acknowledge it and return the focus to my breath. As I continue to focus on my breath, I can start to focus on the feeling of sitting in my chair, my feet on the floor, my fingers on the keyboard, my clothing, and slowly to the room I'm sitting in, the noises, the temperature, etc. If my mind tries to say "oh, maybe tomorrow I should..." (and believe me, it will) I let the thought pass, and bring the attention back to my breath and my body. This is what it is to "wake up to your life" and live in the moment. Living in the past, or the future, (and I'm sorry, but I have to quote my favorite band here, lol) "separates the body from the mind", and that's where we run into problems. Self-awareness resolves this problem. Over time, it becomes easier to do this, and it can be done while driving, or basically doing anything. So doing this will also make me more aware of what I'm doing to my body. If I'm anxious, I can understand that I'm anxious, and allow myself to be anxious, but focus on keeping the awareness, clearing my mind, etc. Doing this regularly has eased that constant need for self-medication, which in my case, is food. I won't eat mindlessly if I am always mindful.
Amazingly, I have known all of this for some time. I knew it, and I even preached it, but I stopped doing it myself. I have even heard it from people for years. My therapist would tell me to do this, and my response would be "yeah, I know what you mean. I used to do this all the time", and I wouldn't do it, I'd just continue on the same destructive path I was on. Same thing with the obesity study; what they were really trying to do was teach us how to control our emotions so that we could control our eating. My response, again, was "oh yeah, I know what you're doing, blah blah, I know how to do it" and I didn't do it. I think I even started to talk about it on this blog some time ago!! But do you think I practiced what I preached? Nope. It's so much easier to say to someone, "hey, stop worrying! Take some breaths!" than it is to do it yourself. And yet, it's so simple!
I have started to realize that I can't expect results right away. A flower grows, but you don't see it grow because it takes a lot of time (while you're usually busy running around like crazy, lol). I was taking on too much stuff at once, and expecting immediate results. It has been the same with many other things I do in my life; learning other languages, playing piano, etc. I was too focused on the end result, and not enjoying the ride. I'm finally learning to do that again, and my reasons are not to lose weight per se, but so that I can improve my life, which is pretty much what zen is all about, right? After all, I can't experience life to its fullest potential if I don't take care of myself.
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
Hello Again
Ok! Sooo I haven't written a post since February, which would have been approximately seven months ago. Wow.
The thing is that I was so sure I was just going to throw in the towel on this whole "get fit, get healthy" idea. In fact, during the last seven months, it always seemed like I was quitting and starting again every other week. I'm sure that a lot of people know what I mean...Sunday night, you say to yourself "this is a new week". You have one "last meal", and you don't even want to know how many calories are in it, but it's the last one for a long time, so you'd better make it good. You wake up the next morning, and maybe you're still just as motivated, so you get cracking on that exercise, and you push yourself to your limit, probably because you're so inspired to shed those pounds. Middle of the week comes, and it feels a little more like a chore, but you're still in it. Then comes your "weekend off", and it all goes out the window because you never actually pick back up where you started like you said you would, and you just end up feeling bad about it all, until you decide to do it again the next week, or even the following week. A never-ending cycle, and this time, it's going to be different. It's always going to be different.
So you can imagine how I was starting to feel, week after week after week of doing this. I felt like a joke, like I was going nowhere fast, and making a show of it. Truth is, I really was at the point where I was looking in the mirror at myself, saying "well, I may as well get used to it, because I'm going to be like this forever. Maybe I should think about my good qualities..." I stopped trying to get back into my supposed "health kick" that was taking me on the road to nowhere, and just didn't really do anything. I started to become a miserable person, drinking every night after putting my son to bed, waking up hung-over and ready to argue with my husband for no apparent reason. I saw my doctor a month ago, and stepped on the scale (I hadn't done that in several months). I was at 275 lbs., the most I've ever weighed.
Interestingly, it was my doctor who sort of put me on the right path again. He wanted me to get blood work to check my cholesterol, and it was one of those "I don't even want to know" deals, but he pushed the weight issue. He asked me if I could walk for 30 minutes a day. Initially, I thought, where is that going to get me? I can't lose weight by walking! But again, that's not supposed to be the point here, it's supposed to be about getting better and improving my life in general. So it kind of stuck with me, and every day I started to say to myself "can you walk 30 minutes today? Yes, I can."
I didn't set another big goal aside from that, except for one thing: to stop eating fast food. Don't worry about your calories right now, don't worry about portion-sizes, just stop eating fast food, and start making everything you put into your body yourself (with the exception of the once-a-week restaurant night, but then the goal was to stay away from anything fried). It was tough; I almost immediately missed the convenience of it, but I was able to stick to that one goal. I didn't even get my coffee from Dunkin' Donuts; I made it myself each day. The aim was to focus on one thing at a time. Again, my problem is that I am an extremely anxious, and otherwise emotional person. I eat my emotions. I have an addictive personality, but food is my vice. If I were to start doing drugs or put all my focus into something like gambling to relieve some of those emotions, I would need one of those other things as a crutch. It's not something that I can just up and say "well, this week, I'm going to eat normal!" Doesn't work that way. I remember before my wedding, I told someone that I was going to easily lose 40 lbs. in two months, and it actually made me put on weight. I'm blown away that I used to think that I could do it!
So here I am, walking every day and not eating fast food, but still, I have that urge to rush right home from work and stuff myself after a tough day, or maybe stuff myself because I'm agitated at someone, or go out for a night with my husband and stuff myself because "it's my day off". That urge to swing through the drive-thru is something I still have to push away, although it's not overly difficult. Obviously, that isn't going to help with losing weight. Then I remembered how I used to practice zen regularly. I meditated every single day. I was completely emotionally balanced about five years ago, and since my mom passed away, I could never quite find my way back to that inner peace I felt beforehand.
So I recently started to meditate, and it has basically helped me to wake up to my life. I have been working on being present in my body at all times. Whenever I am overcome by some emotion, I return to my breath, and bring back the awareness I have of my body and my surroundings. I'm finding that I am not interested in food anymore, except for the purpose of nourishment. I am finally able to discipline myself (meditation and self-awakening takes a lot of discipline, especially if you are prone to stress like I am, but trust me, it is worth it!) I will talk more about this later on, but for now, I need to sleep (I've also been exercising every day, at my own pace, and it makes me very tired at night, whereas I used to stay up all night because the quality of my sleep was so poor). I'll just leave off by saying this: things are finally becoming clear to me again. My only reason now for wanting to lose weight is to improve my health and the quality of my life, and I think those are the right reasons. I'm interested to see where this takes me, but I will be living in each moment, always, and not worrying about the future! :)
The thing is that I was so sure I was just going to throw in the towel on this whole "get fit, get healthy" idea. In fact, during the last seven months, it always seemed like I was quitting and starting again every other week. I'm sure that a lot of people know what I mean...Sunday night, you say to yourself "this is a new week". You have one "last meal", and you don't even want to know how many calories are in it, but it's the last one for a long time, so you'd better make it good. You wake up the next morning, and maybe you're still just as motivated, so you get cracking on that exercise, and you push yourself to your limit, probably because you're so inspired to shed those pounds. Middle of the week comes, and it feels a little more like a chore, but you're still in it. Then comes your "weekend off", and it all goes out the window because you never actually pick back up where you started like you said you would, and you just end up feeling bad about it all, until you decide to do it again the next week, or even the following week. A never-ending cycle, and this time, it's going to be different. It's always going to be different.
So you can imagine how I was starting to feel, week after week after week of doing this. I felt like a joke, like I was going nowhere fast, and making a show of it. Truth is, I really was at the point where I was looking in the mirror at myself, saying "well, I may as well get used to it, because I'm going to be like this forever. Maybe I should think about my good qualities..." I stopped trying to get back into my supposed "health kick" that was taking me on the road to nowhere, and just didn't really do anything. I started to become a miserable person, drinking every night after putting my son to bed, waking up hung-over and ready to argue with my husband for no apparent reason. I saw my doctor a month ago, and stepped on the scale (I hadn't done that in several months). I was at 275 lbs., the most I've ever weighed.
Interestingly, it was my doctor who sort of put me on the right path again. He wanted me to get blood work to check my cholesterol, and it was one of those "I don't even want to know" deals, but he pushed the weight issue. He asked me if I could walk for 30 minutes a day. Initially, I thought, where is that going to get me? I can't lose weight by walking! But again, that's not supposed to be the point here, it's supposed to be about getting better and improving my life in general. So it kind of stuck with me, and every day I started to say to myself "can you walk 30 minutes today? Yes, I can."
I didn't set another big goal aside from that, except for one thing: to stop eating fast food. Don't worry about your calories right now, don't worry about portion-sizes, just stop eating fast food, and start making everything you put into your body yourself (with the exception of the once-a-week restaurant night, but then the goal was to stay away from anything fried). It was tough; I almost immediately missed the convenience of it, but I was able to stick to that one goal. I didn't even get my coffee from Dunkin' Donuts; I made it myself each day. The aim was to focus on one thing at a time. Again, my problem is that I am an extremely anxious, and otherwise emotional person. I eat my emotions. I have an addictive personality, but food is my vice. If I were to start doing drugs or put all my focus into something like gambling to relieve some of those emotions, I would need one of those other things as a crutch. It's not something that I can just up and say "well, this week, I'm going to eat normal!" Doesn't work that way. I remember before my wedding, I told someone that I was going to easily lose 40 lbs. in two months, and it actually made me put on weight. I'm blown away that I used to think that I could do it!
So here I am, walking every day and not eating fast food, but still, I have that urge to rush right home from work and stuff myself after a tough day, or maybe stuff myself because I'm agitated at someone, or go out for a night with my husband and stuff myself because "it's my day off". That urge to swing through the drive-thru is something I still have to push away, although it's not overly difficult. Obviously, that isn't going to help with losing weight. Then I remembered how I used to practice zen regularly. I meditated every single day. I was completely emotionally balanced about five years ago, and since my mom passed away, I could never quite find my way back to that inner peace I felt beforehand.
So I recently started to meditate, and it has basically helped me to wake up to my life. I have been working on being present in my body at all times. Whenever I am overcome by some emotion, I return to my breath, and bring back the awareness I have of my body and my surroundings. I'm finding that I am not interested in food anymore, except for the purpose of nourishment. I am finally able to discipline myself (meditation and self-awakening takes a lot of discipline, especially if you are prone to stress like I am, but trust me, it is worth it!) I will talk more about this later on, but for now, I need to sleep (I've also been exercising every day, at my own pace, and it makes me very tired at night, whereas I used to stay up all night because the quality of my sleep was so poor). I'll just leave off by saying this: things are finally becoming clear to me again. My only reason now for wanting to lose weight is to improve my health and the quality of my life, and I think those are the right reasons. I'm interested to see where this takes me, but I will be living in each moment, always, and not worrying about the future! :)
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Checking In!
I just thought I'd check in and make a note that things have been going really well. I don't struggle with cravings anywhere near as badly as I used to. I have been exercising regularly, at least every weekday, and I do it at my convenience. I know a lot of people say it's best to schedule a daily time to do that, but it seems to me that when I relax about it and do it when I am ready, I don't feel like I am obligated to do it. I only do it with my health in mind (not to burn calories or anything else, but to feel better and enjoy my life). Also, I have not weighed myself since the last time I checked in here. I only know that I am eating mindfully, and exercising regularly, both with the intention of improving the quality of my life. On our restaurant night, I don't look for meals with large portions sizes; I am more interested in trying new things, whether they are small or low-calorie or whatever.
It's only been a couple of weeks since I've started to really take responsibility for my emotional eating habits, and I haven't had many urges to go to the refrigerator as a result of some emotion I am feeling. I am doing very well with recognizing these emotions now, and feeling them rather than pushing them away, then letting them go as easily as they came. I am reminded of the many Zen teachings I have learned, that a feeling is just a visitor; it comes and goes. :) I am learning a lot about myself through this experience, and in a way, I'm glad that I have had the chance to endure it. I am slowly learning from mistakes I have made in the past, rather than repeating them.
I have also come to the realization that it is very helpful to have an outlet for all of this energy I have (which can also be in the form of some emotion), and I have decided to do some things I have always wanted to do, but never have. For instance, I have always wanted to learn how to read music and play an instrument, but never had the drive to do it, and in the past couple of years, I have thought that I am too old to start now (I'm 30). However, I come from a very musical family on both sides, and I can sing well (and have, over a few years, developed a strong appreciation for classical music and opera) and now I am realizing that I still have the rest of my life, however long that may be. It's not too late to start now! So that's what I have been focusing on. I initially wanted to play the violin (because I absolutely love the sound of it), but I feel it would be easier to learn on the piano. I am also getting back into sketching portraits, which I have done on and off (my mother was an artist, and I've tried many times to follow in her footsteps) but I always refer to myself as "an impatient person", a.k.a. set limits on myself. This is no longer an excuse.
So that's where it all stands right now; I am doing very well so far, and for the first time in many years, I think I am really seeing my life for what it is and learning to let go of this crutch I have had for so long. I am excited to see where this takes me! :)
It's only been a couple of weeks since I've started to really take responsibility for my emotional eating habits, and I haven't had many urges to go to the refrigerator as a result of some emotion I am feeling. I am doing very well with recognizing these emotions now, and feeling them rather than pushing them away, then letting them go as easily as they came. I am reminded of the many Zen teachings I have learned, that a feeling is just a visitor; it comes and goes. :) I am learning a lot about myself through this experience, and in a way, I'm glad that I have had the chance to endure it. I am slowly learning from mistakes I have made in the past, rather than repeating them.
I have also come to the realization that it is very helpful to have an outlet for all of this energy I have (which can also be in the form of some emotion), and I have decided to do some things I have always wanted to do, but never have. For instance, I have always wanted to learn how to read music and play an instrument, but never had the drive to do it, and in the past couple of years, I have thought that I am too old to start now (I'm 30). However, I come from a very musical family on both sides, and I can sing well (and have, over a few years, developed a strong appreciation for classical music and opera) and now I am realizing that I still have the rest of my life, however long that may be. It's not too late to start now! So that's what I have been focusing on. I initially wanted to play the violin (because I absolutely love the sound of it), but I feel it would be easier to learn on the piano. I am also getting back into sketching portraits, which I have done on and off (my mother was an artist, and I've tried many times to follow in her footsteps) but I always refer to myself as "an impatient person", a.k.a. set limits on myself. This is no longer an excuse.
So that's where it all stands right now; I am doing very well so far, and for the first time in many years, I think I am really seeing my life for what it is and learning to let go of this crutch I have had for so long. I am excited to see where this takes me! :)
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
An Outsider's Perspective
Ok, so I know it has been quite a long time since I've come back here. It has been tough, I can't lie. I have felt so frustrated most of the time, like I am trying to light a fire, but it keeps going out. I think I may have finally found the right path though.
I dropped out of the research program because I felt like I was under too much pressure. I could not deal with constantly writing everything down that I was eating, just so someone could get out their red pen at the end of each week and make their notes and comments. I felt like I was doing everything wrong. I would weigh in each week, and sometimes I'd lost a couple of lbs; other times, it was way up. I couldn't face feeling embarrassed about myself all the time anymore. I do feel really terrible about it, because one of the conditions I agreed to when I entered was that I would not stop coming to sessions, and I would not drop out. I made up a story and told them I couldn't come back anymore, and they still call and email me (and have been doing so for the past few months). It's hard to think about that, and I definitely feel guilty about it.
I did acknowledge, though, that I have a pretty big problem, in that I have had no luck with controlling myself, and I went to a therapist. She said that there are a lot of people like me who eat compulsively, in response to emotions. I understand now that ever since I was very little, I have had a hard time trying to figure out what to do with any negative (and sometimes, even positive) emotions that I was feeling. I couldn't express them (I won't go into detail about that) so I sought comfort in food, and this coping mechanism has stayed with me my whole life. I honestly never wanted to look at the hard fact - that my eating habits really are different from everyone else's, and I can't become a healthier person until I fix that.
I bought a notebook and started the practice of actually listening to my body for the first time. I was reluctant to do this (the therapist advised it) because I kept thinking yeah, yeah; I know how I'm feeling when I get the urge to eat. I don't need to write it down, it's always that I'm either stressed or bored. But I did it anyway because I was desperate at that point, and not getting anywhere just trying to do it alone. I would recognize when I got the urge to eat, then ask myself whether it was because I was hungry or not. If so, it was time to eat and that's that. If not, what am I feeling? Amazingly, I found that I frequently felt many emotions, not just stress from work or boredom, but other uncomfortable emotions and physical feelings as well. For instance, I would often eat in response to social anxiety (which I feel often). Talking to people on the phone, or selling stuff to Craigslist buyers. Other times, I am overtired. Sometimes, I'm frustrated or angry at my husband or my son. Writing it down has helped me a lot, and at first, I wrote it down and ate anyway, but then I started to recognize these feelings automatically, and it actually took away the urge to eat. It's the same with portion size; I will put a reasonably portioned amount of food on the plate, and if I have the urge to eat more, I ask myself what I am feeling.
Another thing the therapist helped me with is to recognize when I am limiting myself. I have always seen myself as someone who can't finish anything. I do this with everything; if I start a new hobby (i.e. cake decorating) I see myself as someone who started to get into cake decorating, but because I can never finish what I start, I can't do it anymore. I have always defined myself this way, and it contributes to my downfall. It was the same with losing weight; I got down to 200 lbs, but since I can't finish anything, that's the lowest my weight has ever been in my adult life. Once I take this limit off myself, I can do anything. :) See, sometimes it helps to have an outside perspective!
So now I am listening to my body, and I have been doing this without faltering for about a week now. I'm not counting calories, and I'm not writing down what I am eating; but I am choosing to eat healthfully, I'm portioning my food within reason, and being mindful of when my body is no longer hungry. I exercise, not with the intention of losing weight, but to improve the quality of my life (because I know that if I don't, I will have no energy to successfully face the challenges of my daily life). If I keep this up, I know that I will be just fine. I actually thought I had put back on the 20 lbs. I'd lost since I last checked in, but I was at the doctor's today, and I was pleasantly surprised to see that I weigh 254 lbs, so I can almost pick up where I left off. So that is promising! :)
I dropped out of the research program because I felt like I was under too much pressure. I could not deal with constantly writing everything down that I was eating, just so someone could get out their red pen at the end of each week and make their notes and comments. I felt like I was doing everything wrong. I would weigh in each week, and sometimes I'd lost a couple of lbs; other times, it was way up. I couldn't face feeling embarrassed about myself all the time anymore. I do feel really terrible about it, because one of the conditions I agreed to when I entered was that I would not stop coming to sessions, and I would not drop out. I made up a story and told them I couldn't come back anymore, and they still call and email me (and have been doing so for the past few months). It's hard to think about that, and I definitely feel guilty about it.
I did acknowledge, though, that I have a pretty big problem, in that I have had no luck with controlling myself, and I went to a therapist. She said that there are a lot of people like me who eat compulsively, in response to emotions. I understand now that ever since I was very little, I have had a hard time trying to figure out what to do with any negative (and sometimes, even positive) emotions that I was feeling. I couldn't express them (I won't go into detail about that) so I sought comfort in food, and this coping mechanism has stayed with me my whole life. I honestly never wanted to look at the hard fact - that my eating habits really are different from everyone else's, and I can't become a healthier person until I fix that.
I bought a notebook and started the practice of actually listening to my body for the first time. I was reluctant to do this (the therapist advised it) because I kept thinking yeah, yeah; I know how I'm feeling when I get the urge to eat. I don't need to write it down, it's always that I'm either stressed or bored. But I did it anyway because I was desperate at that point, and not getting anywhere just trying to do it alone. I would recognize when I got the urge to eat, then ask myself whether it was because I was hungry or not. If so, it was time to eat and that's that. If not, what am I feeling? Amazingly, I found that I frequently felt many emotions, not just stress from work or boredom, but other uncomfortable emotions and physical feelings as well. For instance, I would often eat in response to social anxiety (which I feel often). Talking to people on the phone, or selling stuff to Craigslist buyers. Other times, I am overtired. Sometimes, I'm frustrated or angry at my husband or my son. Writing it down has helped me a lot, and at first, I wrote it down and ate anyway, but then I started to recognize these feelings automatically, and it actually took away the urge to eat. It's the same with portion size; I will put a reasonably portioned amount of food on the plate, and if I have the urge to eat more, I ask myself what I am feeling.
Another thing the therapist helped me with is to recognize when I am limiting myself. I have always seen myself as someone who can't finish anything. I do this with everything; if I start a new hobby (i.e. cake decorating) I see myself as someone who started to get into cake decorating, but because I can never finish what I start, I can't do it anymore. I have always defined myself this way, and it contributes to my downfall. It was the same with losing weight; I got down to 200 lbs, but since I can't finish anything, that's the lowest my weight has ever been in my adult life. Once I take this limit off myself, I can do anything. :) See, sometimes it helps to have an outside perspective!
So now I am listening to my body, and I have been doing this without faltering for about a week now. I'm not counting calories, and I'm not writing down what I am eating; but I am choosing to eat healthfully, I'm portioning my food within reason, and being mindful of when my body is no longer hungry. I exercise, not with the intention of losing weight, but to improve the quality of my life (because I know that if I don't, I will have no energy to successfully face the challenges of my daily life). If I keep this up, I know that I will be just fine. I actually thought I had put back on the 20 lbs. I'd lost since I last checked in, but I was at the doctor's today, and I was pleasantly surprised to see that I weigh 254 lbs, so I can almost pick up where I left off. So that is promising! :)
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Rough week for calorie counting!
I have been doing great so far with watching my calories and fat, and I really haven't exceeded my 1500 calorie limit since I started in the weight loss program. But this week and last week have been very stressful, and lately I find myself thinking about eating a lot.
It was strange because this morning (it wasn't even 11:00) I was just sitting here, waiting for my father to call me and let me know when to pick him up from the airport. Earlier this morning, I took a 40 minute walk, and I was feeling pretty good, which is quite a change from how I've been feeling (yesterday, I didn't exercise at all). So not even an hour ago, I was sitting in front of the computer, thinking how I wanted something to eat, even though I'd had a good breakfast only a couple of hours ago. I have a weakness for Chipotle, which I haven't had in months (seems like forever); the reason being that I can't keep myself from ordering a burrito that contains a day's worth of calories and fat. So somehow I got to obsessing over Chipotle, and the next thing I know, I'm on their website (the "order online" menu). I caught myself and used the "I'm having the thought that I want a burrito from Chipotle" technique I learned in the program, and I closed the window. I figured I would have half of my lunch then to get it out of my head, which was leftover Italian Beef Polenta Casserole from last night, with the intention of having the other half at lunch time. Well, I had that and then I saw the ice cream bars in the freezer, and I just couldn't keep myself from thinking about them too! I had the ice cream bar, and now it's not even lunch time and my calories for today already amount to almost 600. I am just dumbfounded at how difficult this is for me, compared to how easy it was in the past. I never found myself struggling with such intense thoughts before. When I weighed in on Monday, I found that I'd only lost 1 lb., which was a hard thing to take in.
Anyway, let me go ahead and explain why these past couple of weeks have been so stressful. First and foremost (I don't think I've talked about any of this yet), I have been having some kind of problem with my thyroid. I have been dealing with intense fatigue and horrible brain fog for at least a couple of years now, which my first doctor just kept shrugging off. She pissed me off for the last time (I won't go into detail) so I went to a new doctor, who found that my thyroid was enlarged on the FIRST VISIT. So he sent me for an ultrasound a couple of months ago, which revealed multiple nodules, one of which is over 2 cm. I followed up on that by getting a thyroid scan at the hospital. I went to see my dr. about the scan and he told me that it showed the nodule is "cold", meaning it is not functional, meaning it is suspicious for cancer. I have to go for a fine needle biopsy on Monday (they will insert the needle into my neck and remove some of the cells, then test them for cancer). This is obviously on my mind a lot, so there's that. (Happy birthday to me btw, LOL).
My father (who, if you don't know, I work for as his paralegal) went away last Wednesday with his father to Florida, just to spend some time with him I guess, because he loves FL. Right now, we have a case in which he was supposed to enter pro hac vice with an attorney who is licensed in MA (he's not licensed outside of RI). The attorney whose name IS on the case does not do trials, but my dad does, and he needed her to sign on to it so he could take this MA case to trial. It ended up in federal court because the client's medical bills (she slipped & fell) exceeded $75,000. Neither of them are licensed to practice in federal court, so my father has been trying to transfer the case to someone who is, but they have not entered their appearance yet. So just after he leaves for FL, the court schedules a pretrial conference. Suddenly, I'm stuck trying like hell to get the judge to allow for a continuance or get the new attorney to enter his appearance, but he's not returning anyone's phone calls. I did a motion for a continuance, which has been a nightmare because everything in federal court must be done electronically, but since no one is licensed in federal court, we can't access the electronic filing system. Finally, I got the defendant's attorney to offer to file it for us. Now it's up to the judge to grant it, but I honestly don't think he's going to because the only time they usually grant them is if the attorney of record is involved in another trial, which is not the case. If he doesn't do it, the attorney who signed on with us will have to go to Boston and go before the judge to do something she's never done before in her life, which is especially not good because she has scheduling issues of her own. This has been driving me crazy all week!
Finally, I am dealing with these very annoying problems that the insurance company has suddenly dealt me. My husband, who works at Foxwoods, pays for health insurance to cover the family. The rule now is that employees and their spouses must meet the following three requirements before October 31 of this year, and every subsequent year, or our medical contribution will increase up to $1,500 per year:
1. We have to get an annual physical.
2. We have to have a "biometrics" form filled out, stating our cholesterol levels, BMI, etc.
3. We have to speak with a wellness coach through the insurance company.
Well, I thought I had done ALL of this already. I had the physical in August... at least the nurse told me it was a physical. I guess though that it wasn't coded as a physical, so it didn't count as one, and now I have to go back for a physical next week. How does that make any sense? I don't know. I...don't...know...
I spoke with what I thought was a wellness coach around the same time (I got the phone # from my husband's employee newsletter, which said "WELLNESS COACH" and a phone number next to it). I guess I called the wrong place! Although, I did speak with someone over the phone about my health and losing weight, etc., and when I asked them if they were a wellness coach, they said yes. I also asked if the phone call would be reported to my husband's employer, and they said yes...so I don't know what the hell is going on with that, I guess I must have called some random place and discussed my health information with them. Try to figure that one out!! So this all has to be done immediately, or we are going to end up paying more for our health insurance, which is not cool.
To top it all off, I have been feeling so bad lately! Yesterday I didn't even go in to work because I was too nervous to drive! I can't describe how I am feeling, it's just the most intense brain fog, like I'm seriously disconnected from reality, and I cannot think clearly. I suppose the stress could be making it worse, so I don't know how to deal with it because I can't relax. All I know is that I hope they can figure out what is going on with me soon and fix it. I cannot see myself dealing with this for the rest of my life. I also started feeling some chest pain with each heartbeat yesterday on two separate occasions, so if that continues, I will have to see what's going on there (maybe it's related to the thyroid? I dunno).
Well, I got way off the topic of emotional eating, but now you can probably understand why this week has really been pushing me to find some kind of comfort somewhere. I am not doing too bad right now, it's just a matter of keeping it that way for the moment. I have to keep reminding myself that I am working too hard to give up now! Thanks for reading, and I will let you know how things go with the biopsy after my follow-up.
It was strange because this morning (it wasn't even 11:00) I was just sitting here, waiting for my father to call me and let me know when to pick him up from the airport. Earlier this morning, I took a 40 minute walk, and I was feeling pretty good, which is quite a change from how I've been feeling (yesterday, I didn't exercise at all). So not even an hour ago, I was sitting in front of the computer, thinking how I wanted something to eat, even though I'd had a good breakfast only a couple of hours ago. I have a weakness for Chipotle, which I haven't had in months (seems like forever); the reason being that I can't keep myself from ordering a burrito that contains a day's worth of calories and fat. So somehow I got to obsessing over Chipotle, and the next thing I know, I'm on their website (the "order online" menu). I caught myself and used the "I'm having the thought that I want a burrito from Chipotle" technique I learned in the program, and I closed the window. I figured I would have half of my lunch then to get it out of my head, which was leftover Italian Beef Polenta Casserole from last night, with the intention of having the other half at lunch time. Well, I had that and then I saw the ice cream bars in the freezer, and I just couldn't keep myself from thinking about them too! I had the ice cream bar, and now it's not even lunch time and my calories for today already amount to almost 600. I am just dumbfounded at how difficult this is for me, compared to how easy it was in the past. I never found myself struggling with such intense thoughts before. When I weighed in on Monday, I found that I'd only lost 1 lb., which was a hard thing to take in.
Anyway, let me go ahead and explain why these past couple of weeks have been so stressful. First and foremost (I don't think I've talked about any of this yet), I have been having some kind of problem with my thyroid. I have been dealing with intense fatigue and horrible brain fog for at least a couple of years now, which my first doctor just kept shrugging off. She pissed me off for the last time (I won't go into detail) so I went to a new doctor, who found that my thyroid was enlarged on the FIRST VISIT. So he sent me for an ultrasound a couple of months ago, which revealed multiple nodules, one of which is over 2 cm. I followed up on that by getting a thyroid scan at the hospital. I went to see my dr. about the scan and he told me that it showed the nodule is "cold", meaning it is not functional, meaning it is suspicious for cancer. I have to go for a fine needle biopsy on Monday (they will insert the needle into my neck and remove some of the cells, then test them for cancer). This is obviously on my mind a lot, so there's that. (Happy birthday to me btw, LOL).
My father (who, if you don't know, I work for as his paralegal) went away last Wednesday with his father to Florida, just to spend some time with him I guess, because he loves FL. Right now, we have a case in which he was supposed to enter pro hac vice with an attorney who is licensed in MA (he's not licensed outside of RI). The attorney whose name IS on the case does not do trials, but my dad does, and he needed her to sign on to it so he could take this MA case to trial. It ended up in federal court because the client's medical bills (she slipped & fell) exceeded $75,000. Neither of them are licensed to practice in federal court, so my father has been trying to transfer the case to someone who is, but they have not entered their appearance yet. So just after he leaves for FL, the court schedules a pretrial conference. Suddenly, I'm stuck trying like hell to get the judge to allow for a continuance or get the new attorney to enter his appearance, but he's not returning anyone's phone calls. I did a motion for a continuance, which has been a nightmare because everything in federal court must be done electronically, but since no one is licensed in federal court, we can't access the electronic filing system. Finally, I got the defendant's attorney to offer to file it for us. Now it's up to the judge to grant it, but I honestly don't think he's going to because the only time they usually grant them is if the attorney of record is involved in another trial, which is not the case. If he doesn't do it, the attorney who signed on with us will have to go to Boston and go before the judge to do something she's never done before in her life, which is especially not good because she has scheduling issues of her own. This has been driving me crazy all week!
Finally, I am dealing with these very annoying problems that the insurance company has suddenly dealt me. My husband, who works at Foxwoods, pays for health insurance to cover the family. The rule now is that employees and their spouses must meet the following three requirements before October 31 of this year, and every subsequent year, or our medical contribution will increase up to $1,500 per year:
1. We have to get an annual physical.
2. We have to have a "biometrics" form filled out, stating our cholesterol levels, BMI, etc.
3. We have to speak with a wellness coach through the insurance company.
Well, I thought I had done ALL of this already. I had the physical in August... at least the nurse told me it was a physical. I guess though that it wasn't coded as a physical, so it didn't count as one, and now I have to go back for a physical next week. How does that make any sense? I don't know. I...don't...know...
I spoke with what I thought was a wellness coach around the same time (I got the phone # from my husband's employee newsletter, which said "WELLNESS COACH" and a phone number next to it). I guess I called the wrong place! Although, I did speak with someone over the phone about my health and losing weight, etc., and when I asked them if they were a wellness coach, they said yes. I also asked if the phone call would be reported to my husband's employer, and they said yes...so I don't know what the hell is going on with that, I guess I must have called some random place and discussed my health information with them. Try to figure that one out!! So this all has to be done immediately, or we are going to end up paying more for our health insurance, which is not cool.
To top it all off, I have been feeling so bad lately! Yesterday I didn't even go in to work because I was too nervous to drive! I can't describe how I am feeling, it's just the most intense brain fog, like I'm seriously disconnected from reality, and I cannot think clearly. I suppose the stress could be making it worse, so I don't know how to deal with it because I can't relax. All I know is that I hope they can figure out what is going on with me soon and fix it. I cannot see myself dealing with this for the rest of my life. I also started feeling some chest pain with each heartbeat yesterday on two separate occasions, so if that continues, I will have to see what's going on there (maybe it's related to the thyroid? I dunno).
Well, I got way off the topic of emotional eating, but now you can probably understand why this week has really been pushing me to find some kind of comfort somewhere. I am not doing too bad right now, it's just a matter of keeping it that way for the moment. I have to keep reminding myself that I am working too hard to give up now! Thanks for reading, and I will let you know how things go with the biopsy after my follow-up.
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