In the Mail

I have used this program before, it's My Fitness Pal and you can use the app to put in what you've eaten, how many calories you've consumed for the day, what exercise you did, how many calories you burned, etc. At the end of the day, it will tell you how far above or below your goal you are (you need to set a daily caloric intake goal; mine has always been 1,200). Obviously, you should watch it to make sure you are burning more calories than you are taking in by the end of the week, which it monitors for you.

I will, of course, check in with my weight and inches lost here, too, since that's the purpose of this blog, but it's just easier for me personally to see how I am doing with this web site (it has bar graphs, etc., which I like).

Now that I look at it, I notice the last time I used it was 7 months ago, probably during one of those temporary "health modes" I've talked about. I really like this except for the fact that if you don't know how many calories you've burned (the thing that was supposed to record it on the Gazelle was broken, so I never knew exactly how many calories I burned) this program will tell you, but it seems to give way too much credit. I definitely don't think that 30 minutes on the Gazelle will burn 600 calories, but that's what it would tell me, lol...usually I'd burn 600 calories going uphill on the treadmill for almost an hour at level 7, and I can certainly feel the difference! In any event, you can always enter the calories burned manually. This is a really great food diary, too, which I am definitely going to use. It's also good because you can befriend other people who are exercising / dieting and encourage each other. It's just too bad I didn't stick with it 7 months ago, but there's no time better than the present to get back on track.

You know, it's also worth mentioning that when it comes to weight loss, in the last couple of years, I've taken an all-or-nothing approach, and I have been impatient. Now that I am looking at my last recorded weight / inches, I remember thinking 7 months ago that I wasn't getting anywhere (that's what I'm usually thinking, because I've been so impatient lately). Incredibly, I have been at the weight I am now for quite some time, including just before commencing one of these temporary "healthy phases", and since I just checked in at My Fitness Pal, this is what I'm seeing:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think that shows that I was getting somewhere with my exercise routine, as brief as it was. It's time to lose the all-or-nothing mentality for good. I know it says to weigh in once a week, but I think it would be beneficial if I stayed away from the scale for the most part, and maybe just weighed in once or twice a month, paying more attention to inches lost. Easier said than done, but that's what I'm aiming for.

I also got an exciting email today, much quicker than I expected :D

As you can see, I ordered the elliptical machine from Best Buy, only because I set up an account with them to finance my computer last year, so it was just a matter of signing in and placing the order with the Best Buy card (no applying, waiting for approval, etc.) Like I said, it was $650, and I haven't seen it for less anywhere else, so it only made sense. For a $650 machine, this thing got really good reviews. Even if I hadn't taken the time to look at the reviews (which I do before just about every purchase I make), the only cardio machine I've ever owned was the Gazelle, which never cost more than $300, and that's what I'm used to so I'm sure this machine is going to be amazing.  ;)


I cannot wait to finally get a decent night of sleep. Even on the rare occasion that I am able to fall asleep in under 2 hours, no matter how much sleep I get (which can be 10-11 hours on the weekends / days when I don't have to wake up early to put my son on the bus) I am always very tired the next day. I think it's the quality of my sleep that is killing me, and I know that I sleep a lot better when I exercise regularly.

I have thought about getting sleeping pills through my doctor, but in recent years, I have really tried to stay away from any kind of medications that I can live without. I was given a muscle relaxant at some point for my back (one of the many problems associated with being overweight - the other being my knees) and that tends to knock me right out, so I have kept it for those nights when I simply cannot sleep.

 Unfortunately, most of the time (with the exception of the prescription, which makes me feel like a zombie when I wake up), these don't work anyway. Apparently, getting in shape is the answer to many of my problems here. Once I start feeling better, though, I tend to forget how bad I felt when I wasn't taking care of myself. This blog will hopefully serve as a reminder. :)


I am looking forward to spring time, because once the snow melts away and the weather is nice, I plan to start bike-riding. My house is right near a bike path which, according to Greenways Alliance of Rhode Island, span a 15 mile path (and it looks like they are still expanding it, which should result in a 25 mile path). It's been literally years since I've even owned a bike. Actually, I am borrowing two from my father; one for me and one for my husband. It's going to take a little work to get them on the road, but I am excited to start riding them. This year is flying by, so hopefully that will be here before we know it!

Now, to start working on my first healthy grocery list. Recipe time!!

Preparing for Weight Loss

So the elliptical machine is expected to be shipped within 8-14 business days. In the meantime, I am going to start thinking about my dietary routine.

As I mentioned before, when I did this the first time (and I think the second time as well, at least partially; I can't really remember) I was on the Slim Fast diet and I was counting calories. I gave myself a limit of 1,200 calories per day. This may seem low, but my understanding is that if you are very obese, it is okay to do it this way. My physician didn't object to it the last time. And, obviously, this has worked for me in the past.

On the other hand, I do recall that the second time I did this, I was much more concerned about my overall health. As I mentioned before, the first time I lost all that weight, I smoked. I also remember taking those "fat-burning" (water) pills they sell on the commercials. I didn't do those things the second time. I think when I was younger, it was much more about losing weight than it was about becoming healthy for me. Now that I am older, I need to be concerned with my health more than my appearance.

Having said that, I will look at some of the pros and cons of the diet:

Pros

• It has worked before.
• The shakes are really good.
• They are convenient.
• It is easier for me when I am on a regular routine, which the Slim Fast diet provides (I do better when I am clear about my limits; will-power is easily attained).
• The shake contains some good nutrients.

Cons

• It is expensive (usually about $6 - $7 for a case of 6, and at 2/day, that would only last 1/2 a week if I am going to let myself go on the weekends).
• The ingredients consist of preservatives, additives, and other things I don't understand...
• I have a higher chance of gaining back the weight I lost because I can't solidify regular, healthy lifestyle choices when I reach my goal.

That last one is big because part of the Slim Fast diet, last time I was on it, was that once you reached your goal, you could switch to 2 meals per day, and have just one shake to replace the third meal. So basically I'm supposed to use Slim Fast forever?? How's that for a money-making scheme?

If nothing else, I may have an occasional Slim Fast shake and just count my calories. I am torn on the idea of going on the diet again at this point...


During the summer of 2011, I watched that movie Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead on Netflix. That movie deeply inspired me to try the juice fast, and I actually did it for 2 weeks. I bought a juicer and I stopped eating food for those 2 weeks, and I "juiced", or, as they say on their website, I "re-booted". I went into one of those brief health modes that I had mentioned (I'm pretty sure that at that point, I weighed about the same as I do now).

 

I still think that is a great, very motivational film to this day, and if you haven't seen it, you should! Here is the extended trailer; it explains things pretty well:

 

 

So anyway, the only problem with this is that you aren't supposed to do any high-intensity workouts while on the juice diet. I think they said you should take walks (someone even mentioned light jogging) but they do not recommend any challenging workouts. I feel that exercise is necessary for me right now, so I'm thinking about buying a new juicer (you really need a good one; we destroyed the one we had that summer because we were constantly using it, and we had to dispose of it) and I think I'm going to "juice" as part of my diet, but still eat solid food. So I'm not going to "reboot" but I would still like to get those important vitamins and minerals out of the deal.

 

 

One of the biggest difficulties I do forsee is the fact that over the past couple of years, I have developed a love for cooking; particularly baking...

 

 

^There are plenty more where these came from...

 

So, I would like to start putting together some healthy recipes. Any input would be appreciated!

 

Facing the Facts

Hi! Let me start by saying that I have never actually had my own blog that I have used before. Lately, I haven't really had a lot of time for something like this, but I think that it would be tremendously helpful with my attempt at losing weight.

A little about myself. I am 29 years old, married, and I have a six year old boy. We live in West Warwick, RI. I just started working as a paralegal with my father at his personal injury law office (he is a solo practitioner). I am about to graduate from CCRI in May with an Associate's degree in paralegal studies. This is a huge accomplishment for me because I actually dropped out of high school when I was 16, and now that I am back in school, I am getting straight A's and I am a member of Phi Theta Kappa, so it's pretty exciting for me because I think of it as a fresh start. This brings me to my weight loss quest...

This is where the bad stuff comes in. Don't let my profile pic fool you...I have mastered the art of minimizing my extreme overweight appearance in my photos. From the time I was in my teens, it is difficult for me to find any pictures in which I am not hiding beneath my hair or covered in some other way. Now, the time has come for me to bring all of that into the light. It will contribute to the motivation I need to fix the problem.

I have been overweight for as long as I can remember. Once you are accustomed to a comfortable, sedentary lifestyle, it's unimaginably difficult to change it, and it stays with you. Try not to pay attention to the absolutely horrible quality of my scanner...

In my teens, I was significantly overweight...

 

Hey, who's that underneath all that hair??

 

The first one was of me when I was 14. I worked at McDonald's until I was 18, so that's what's up with the uniform. In the second one, I am sitting in between my friend Kate on the left and my sister on the right. Yep, I was what they called a "goth". I loved Marilyn Manson, as much as it pains me now to say that. Anyway, my point is that you can see that I have struggled with my weight an awful long time.

 

This is not my first attempt at weight loss -- in fact, I have succeeded greatly, not once, but twice.

By the time I was about 19, I was working at Foxwoods as a security guard (I would end up there for 10 years). I remember being at a standing post where there was a mirror. The posts last for 2 hours at a time, which gave me plenty of time to continuously stare at my large self in the mirror. I felt disgusted with myself, and it turned out to be the motivation I needed to do something about it.

I bought a Tony Little Gazelle Freestyle Elite. Yes, the flimsy "ski-machine-looking-thing" that people make fun of whenever I tell them about it lol...but it changed my life.

I'd never had a gym membership at this point and I refused to be seen running or exercising outside, due to fear of utter embarassment. I set that machine up in the den and I used it 5-6 days / week for at least 30 minutes / day (we also had a couple of free weights and similar things which I used every other day). On the weekends, I allowed myself to eat what I wanted. I was on the Slim Fast diet during the week (and I was strict about it, too. I ate pretty much the same thing every day for my one meal: a can of soup or a big bowl of cereal with some fruit, and then some healthy snacks in between slim fast meals). I was absolutely amazed at how easy it was for me, and I'd wondered why I had waited so long to do it. My routine never changed. I find that interesting because people will say that unless you switch it up, you will hit a plateau. That didn't happen to me for at least 6 months. After 6 months, I had gone from 262 lbs (yes, at age 19) down to 200 lbs. In my entire adult life, I have never weighed less than 200 lbs, but I was, without question, the thinnest I had ever been:

 

In the first picture, I was on the private balcony of my room during my cruise to the Carribean. The second picture is of me with my husband when we first started dating. In that picture, I was 20 years old.

I was so fond of the Gazelle, but the truth is, it is pretty flimsy and it did break a couple of times. The elite was recalled; I guess people were having the same problems that I was having. I ended up going through a couple of them lol...but it did what it was meant to, and I swore by it!

A lot of people can confirm that the hardest part of losing weight is keeping it off. I am one of those people. Once I lost all that weight, I thought "hey, I don't have to do this anymore! I'm gonna be thin forever!" Well, 200 lbs. isn't exactly thin for a 20 year old woman, but I was satisfied with it. I stopped exercising. I stopped counting calories and ate whatever I wanted. I blew right back up again -- I put every pound I had lost right back on, and then some...

Normally, I would never in a million years allow these atrocious photos of me with my now husband to be shown to, um...anyone really lol. Both of these were taken about a year before I got pregnant, so I must have been about 22 years old. Now that I look at the first one, I am reminded that I was a smoker the whole time I was losing weight and exercising. Yep, I remember after each workout, I stepped outside and had a butt...that's pretty gross when I think of it lol. And yeah, true to my teenage self, I still had black hair at this point, which looks hideous on me. POINT IS, I was back up to 265 lbs.

After I gave birth to my son at 23, I went through a period of depression. I wish I could blame it on something like post-partum depression, but it lasted for well over a year, and I had been diagnosed with major depressive disorder several years earlier. I hit rock bottom, and could only go one way - up. I went back into health mode, and started to see that over my life, I became depressed when I went for a long period of time without taking care of my body. I know now that when I feel depressed, it can be relieved by exercising. I have experienced depression for so many years that I can no longer deny this fact. This may not be true for everyone, but there is no question about it for me. My son was a toddler when I signed up for a gym membership. I still had the Gazelle, and I used it every day just like I did before, but once I lost enough weight, I started going to the gym regularly instead. I went back down to 200 lbs from 265, and I was not smoking anymore. I used the various weights at the gym regularly, and I can honestly say that this was definitely the best shape I'd ever been in. I felt great, I looked a lot better, and I had a ton of energy.

Like I said, I have never, in my adult life, weighed less than 200 lbs, so this is not the absolute best I could do, but I seem to hit a plateau once I reach the 200 mark. It has happened both times. I would like to go down to at least 160, since I am 5'8", but I don't know if that will ever happen. We will see.

It seems that I didn't learn my lesson the first time, because once I hit that plateau, I stopped exercising again and started eating all the crap that was killing me yet again. I gained it all back again, and then some. Of course, you don't lose weight overnight, so you can't gain it all back overnight, but I was always in denial about it. I stayed far away from the scale and chose not to look at the pictures, etc. Four years later, I am in the worst shape I have ever been in. Sometimes all it takes is a photo like this to make you realize you have a big problem (literally)...

The difference now is that I am starting to notice problems with my health. I have always been overweight, but I have never had any major issues with my health. That seems to be changing now. I am 29, and I weigh 270 lbs. (there, I said it). The biggest problem seems to be with my circulation. I wake up in the middle of the night and I can't feel my limbs sometimes; I have to shift my position to get the blood flowing again. I am constantly yawning, which I understand is also a circulation problem. Probably the worst symptom I am experiencing is my mental fog and a feeling of being disconnected from my body. This is the worst because I feel it constantly, and it's really hard to explain. I sleep horribly; it takes me hours to get to sleep. I am overwhelmed by stress. I am so, incredibly tired all the time, and easily irritated. I forget a lot of things and can't think clearly. I have been checked for thyroid problems, but that turned out negative. I get heart palpitations sometimes, and recently, I almost had my husband take me to the hospital because it was really bad (continuous for about an hour). I have had an EKG for this a couple of years ago, and it turned out to be nothing, according to them. I know this all has to do with the fact that I haven't taken care of myself.

That's not to mention the little problems. When I was exercising regularly, I never had acne. My hair was always so smooth, and I felt good about my appearance. Naturally, that is an added bonus, but in the past, my reason for exercising was to feel better, physically. In fact, even at the weight I am now, I realize that just one workout will change the way I feel. Sometimes if I had to study for a test and I had the foggy-brain feeling, I would set aside 20 minutes to use the Gazelle just before studying, and this would make a huge difference. I can endure quite a bit for someone my size. I can go an extraordinarily long time on a cardio machine without feeling overly winded.

Since gaining back all of this weight, I have had a YMCA membership. I would become motivated, then start going fairly regularly for a couple of weeks, then I would not want to get up, get dressed, drive all the way there, etc. etc. so it never would last more than a couple of weeks. I would go through these phases every month or so. Eventually, I cancelled it because it was becoming a waste of money ($70 / month family plan [with my son as part of it], and we rarely used it). I now realize that I need to have something in the home that I can use without getting ready or going for a drive. This gives me no option to make excuses. That's how it worked before, and that's how I expect it to work again. That's why I ordered this yesterday:

It's the Nautilus - E514 Elliptical Trainer. I can make monthly payments that are the same as a gym membership for two people, and it's mine to keep forever. As much as I enjoyed the Y, I never even used the pool once in the entire 2 years I was with them. In fact, the only reason I went with them was because my son had his own gym to play in while I was exercising. Who knows, maybe I'll sign him up for summer camp, but the gym membership is not for me anymore.

What I am getting at here is this: I am 29 years old, and I am not getting any younger. My metabolism is slowing down. I just started working as a paralegal, I feel like a fool because of how I look, and I just know that other people in the office are thinking what is with this woman? I'm not comfortable in my own skin. My "fat clothes" are starting to get tight on me. I feel overwhelmed with school and work, and I have high standards for my grades and my job that I desperately want to try to live up to.

Most importantly, that day I thought I was going to have a heart attack because of my heart palpitations was truly a wake-up call for me. I need to be here for my family, and I cannot take any more chances with my health. The $650 I am spending on this elliptical trainer is peanuts compared to the amount of money it would cost if I have a major health event or, god forbid, funeral expenses. I have thought about how my son would feel if I left him, and it kills me. It's hard enough losing a parent as an adult.

The way I see it, this is my last real opportunity, and this time, I need to face the challenge of keeping the weight off and keeping up with my healthy routine. I know that it needs to be a way of life. Truth is, it's not as easy as it was when I was younger. I have told myself "oh, I am going to lose this many pounds in this much time" and it just doesn't happen anymore like it did before. I need all the support I can get. So that's why I'm here, and I hope it gives me the inspiration I need to keep going with it. Thanks for taking the time to read my blog, and please give me as much constructive criticism as you can!