Happiness Is In This Moment

So I sometimes find, as I'm in the middle of a tough workout, that my mind will try to drift away from what's going on in that moment, and while I'm working out, it's usually to the next workout, and the next one, and the next one. I find myself thinking "wow...this is a hard workout. I don't know if I can do this tomorrow, and the next day and the next day!" I start to see my workouts as too overwhelming for me, and this can bring on the feeling that I don't like to exercise. You can see how this type of thinking can be poisonous; specifically, it is detrimental to that determination I have to keep up the routine. I am learning to bring my awareness back to the moment, and to experience the exertion that my body is putting out. I become present in the discomfort; I feel the sweat, and I listen to the music that I'm playing. Whenever my mind starts to drift again, I bring my focus back to the moment. I have never tried yoga, but I believe that is the point of it (along with the benefits to your health, of course!)

Whenever I exercise, I need to understand that I have started "this particular workout" because I made the choice to do it. I'm not forcing myself; I always have the option to stop halfway through, or not to start at all. I can go back to square one (and, if you have been reading my blog, you may know that "square one" was the day my doctor asked me "can you walk 30 minutes a day?") It's like we were told in the weight loss study: think of your healthy choices as "your east". It's always there, even if one day you stop making those healthy choices. You can always go back to your east.

I used to think of health as black and white, with no gray area: you're either counting calories, exercising and losing weight, or you're not. This is not the case, and it's that black and white thinking that has dragged me down every time I've tried to improve myself in the past. I kept doing it for the wrong reasons; I thought that losing weight would lead to happiness. Happiness is in this moment! I just need to experience the moment to experience happiness.

Still on Track

Checking in again! Still going, just as strong as ever, and my daily exercise and healthy eating / cooking light has become a solid routine for me. Exercising has become so much easier, and I find that I have to increase the level on my elliptical machine a little each week to keep it challenging. I feel so much stronger, and so much better generally; my circulation is better than it has been in a long time. I have lots of energy, and I'm not lazy (like I certainly was, which I hate to admit!) I sleep well at night. I am more interested in getting out and doing things; experiencing my life, and making my family's life better as well. I cook pretty much every night now; we have actually eliminated our weekly restaurant night, and we just go out for little celebrations (my son got his soccer trophy, so we took him to lunch afterwards on the weekend) and maybe the occasion when I don't feel like cooking, but I'm actually getting into it! My mother never taught me to cook, so once I was on my own, it was a real struggle for me (lots of trial and error, and discouragement, which usually made me want to eat out all the time). I'm not saying that to blame her for anything; she had 3 kids, and life was hectic for her at times! But it has taken some work for me to get to this point in my culinary skills, which I am quite proud of, and to cook low-calorie foods, no less, with a continually wonderful response from the family is so inspiring! Even my 8-year-old, who used to refuse to try anything new, eats the food I make from time to time (LOL) which says a lot!

Since I've started practicing mindfulness, I'm no longer in a hurry to lose weight. I don't have to force myself to exercise; it's just something that I do, at my leisure. While I used to be upset at losing "only five pounds" here and there, I can now see it as an accomplishment for myself, particularly when I think of what five pounds actually weighs. When I was little, I would help my mom carry in the groceries, and I used to hate carrying the 5 lb. bag of sugar because it was so heavy (I was pretty young, lol). I use that when I think about how much I've lost. That's not bad at all!

So according to My Fitness Pal, I have logged in every day for a month. Another not-so-little accomplishment for me! :)

No Exercise This Week!

So I was walking for about 3 hours on Columbus Day (Monday) at this art festival, and while I was walking, I somehow pulled a muscle in my lower back. I've had sciatic problems off and on for years, but my back pain is really debilitating this time. I have no idea how I could have hurt it so bad just by walking! I think this means I really need to start focusing on toning my muscles and strengthening my core, which is something I really haven't been doing lately.

Anyway, needless to say, I've been resting it all week. In the past, I would have felt guilty about skipping exercise, which would have ended with me giving up on the whole thing (i.e., I would start eating mindlessly, and throw away the whole idea of being healthy). This time, though, I've been doing really well. I don't put so much thought into it, because it's more about my health than it is directly about losing weight (although weight loss obviously contributes a great deal to my health). I do try to ascertain whether it would be a good day to start getting back into my daily routine, but every time I move the wrong way, it prevents my back from healing (lol), so I understand that it's not the best time to start thinking about that. I remember when I was a part of the study by Brown University, they had told us that watching our calories is more effective than exercise, so I have kept that in mind as well.

I just feel a lot calmer in general, like I'm not overwhelmed by stress the way I used to be, and I am more equipped to handle anything that comes my way. Of course, being mindful has enabled me to feel this way. I make it a point to take at least a few minutes here and there to practice mindfulness. There are no rules to being mindful; a few minutes here and there is better than nothing. In the meantime, I'll continue to enjoy this "peace" I have found, and focus on being present in the moment, rather than waiting for the day when my back pain will go away so I can exercise again. :)

Still Going Strong

Just thought I would check in to say that everything is still going very well. I log in to My Fitness Pal every day to keep track of everything. I am not weighing myself every day like I said I was going to do last year, because that's not what this whole thing is about, but I did go back to my doctor and found that I did lose 4 lbs.; that was last week, so I don't know how much progress I've made to date.

I have been impressing myself with my will power. On the occasional restaurant night (I mean very occasional; it's not even once a week anymore, which is great) I look for healthier options, and I don't feel like I'm depriving myself at all! My husband and son even wanted to stop at Newport Creamery after dinner to get a milkshake, and I was not even remotely interested, but I still went with them. When I said I didn't want anything (I was more concerned with keeping my blood pressure down, because when it gets up there, I feel very uncomfortable, and the sodium content of my meal was a bit on the high side) my husband looked at me like I was nuts, lol. But again, what's important is that I didn't feel like I was depriving myself. I am able to look at food as something that I am always lucky enough to have around whenever I need it; just a part of life, and not something that I need to use to fill a void. I feel so much more focused and balanced, and so much better physically as well. I couldn't be happier with the way things have been so far. :)

Zen for Overeating

So to get into what I'm doing a little bit, as I've said, I've started meditating every day, the way I used to about five years back, when I was at peak mental and physical health (for me, anyway). It's never perfect, not as of yet, anyway, but there really isn't a "wrong way" to meditate, and any little bit of time spent doing it helps. See, for a long time, I used to think that I wasn't doing it right, since several years ago, I saw myself as a person who knew pretty much everything about it; I was doing it "right", I was balanced, etc. etc. The thing is that I am not a different person than I was back then, and that is something I need to continue to understand. I am still the same "me". No matter how well I may have dealt with stress then, no matter how dedicated I was compared to how I am now, I am still, and have always been, the same person. I have become accustomed to referring to myself (in my mind, of course, not out loud, or people might think I'm crazy) to "Monica today" vs. "Monica yesterday". This is what I sometimes thought about when dieting; "today is different. This time will be different." It just does not work that way. If I over-indulge one day, it doesn't make sense to say "well, I blew it today, I'll just pick it back up tomorrow". I won't be a different person; it won't erase all the damage I've done by letting myself get away with it today! This is one of my biggest mistakes when it comes to weight loss.

One of the great things about meditation is that it has helped me to bring constant awareness to myself. It's not something I always have to do while sitting alone, and perfectly still. When I walk, I meditate, and it makes it a much more enjoyable experience. When I'm at work, and I'm at my desk, in between phone calls and anything that requires my perfect attention, I focus on my body, and clear my mind. I'm getting so much better at clearing my mind, but I still need to keep working on it! At first, it is hard to make this a part of life. You have to do it any chance you get. For instance, right now, as I sit here typing, and I stop to take a break, I will bring my body into focus; focus on my breath, and when a thought pops into my head, acknowledge it and return the focus to my breath. As I continue to focus on my breath, I can start to focus on the feeling of sitting in my chair, my feet on the floor, my fingers on the keyboard, my clothing, and slowly to the room I'm sitting in, the noises, the temperature, etc. If my mind tries to say "oh, maybe tomorrow I should..." (and believe me, it will) I let the thought pass, and bring the attention back to my breath and my body. This is what it is to "wake up to your life" and live in the moment. Living in the past, or the future, (and I'm sorry, but I have to quote my favorite band here, lol) "separates the body from the mind", and that's where we run into problems. Self-awareness resolves this problem. Over time, it becomes easier to do this, and it can be done while driving, or basically doing anything. So doing this will also make me more aware of what I'm doing to my body. If I'm anxious, I can understand that I'm anxious, and allow myself to be anxious, but focus on keeping the awareness, clearing my mind, etc. Doing this regularly has eased that constant need for self-medication, which in my case, is food. I won't eat mindlessly if I am always mindful.

Amazingly, I have known all of this for some time. I knew it, and I even preached it, but I stopped doing it myself. I have even heard it from people for years. My therapist would tell me to do this, and my response would be "yeah, I know what you mean. I used to do this all the time", and I wouldn't do it, I'd just continue on the same destructive path I was on. Same thing with the obesity study; what they were really trying to do was teach us how to control our emotions so that we could control our eating. My response, again, was "oh yeah, I know what you're doing, blah blah, I know how to do it" and I didn't do it. I think I even started to talk about it on this blog some time ago!! But do you think I practiced what I preached? Nope. It's so much easier to say to someone, "hey, stop worrying! Take some breaths!" than it is to do it yourself. And yet, it's so simple!

I have started to realize that I can't expect results right away. A flower grows, but you don't see it grow because it takes a lot of time (while you're usually busy running around like crazy, lol). I was taking on too much stuff at once, and expecting immediate results. It has been the same with many other things I do in my life; learning other languages, playing piano, etc. I was too focused on the end result, and not enjoying the ride. I'm finally learning to do that again, and my reasons are not to lose weight per se, but so that I can improve my life, which is pretty much what zen is all about, right? After all, I can't experience life to its fullest potential if I don't take care of myself.

Hello Again

Ok! Sooo I haven't written a post since February, which would have been approximately seven months ago. Wow.

The thing is that I was so sure I was just going to throw in the towel on this whole "get fit, get healthy" idea. In fact, during the last seven months, it always seemed like I was quitting and starting again every other week. I'm sure that a lot of people know what I mean...Sunday night, you say to yourself "this is a new week". You have one "last meal", and you don't even want to know how many calories are in it, but it's the last one for a long time, so you'd better make it good. You wake up the next morning, and maybe you're still just as motivated, so you get cracking on that exercise, and you push yourself to your limit, probably because you're so inspired to shed those pounds. Middle of the week comes, and it feels a little more like a chore, but you're still in it. Then comes your "weekend off", and it all goes out the window because you never actually pick back up where you started like you said you would, and you just end up feeling bad about it all, until you decide to do it again the next week, or even the following week. A never-ending cycle, and this time, it's going to be different. It's always going to be different.

So you can imagine how I was starting to feel, week after week after week of doing this. I felt like a joke, like I was going nowhere fast, and making a show of it. Truth is, I really was at the point where I was looking in the mirror at myself, saying "well, I may as well get used to it, because I'm going to be like this forever. Maybe I should think about my good qualities..." I stopped trying to get back into my supposed "health kick" that was taking me on the road to nowhere, and just didn't really do anything. I started to become a miserable person, drinking every night after putting my son to bed, waking up hung-over and ready to argue with my husband for no apparent reason. I saw my doctor a month ago, and stepped on the scale (I hadn't done that in several months). I was at 275 lbs., the most I've ever weighed.

Interestingly, it was my doctor who sort of put me on the right path again. He wanted me to get blood work to check my cholesterol, and it was one of those "I don't even want to know" deals, but he pushed the weight issue. He asked me if I could walk for 30 minutes a day. Initially, I thought, where is that going to get me? I can't lose weight by walking! But again, that's not supposed to be the point here, it's supposed to be about getting better and improving my life in general. So it kind of stuck with me, and every day I started to say to myself "can you walk 30 minutes today? Yes, I can."

I didn't set another big goal aside from that, except for one thing: to stop eating fast food. Don't worry about your calories right now, don't worry about portion-sizes, just stop eating fast food, and start making everything you put into your body yourself (with the exception of the once-a-week restaurant night, but then the goal was to stay away from anything fried). It was tough; I almost immediately missed the convenience of it, but I was able to stick to that one goal. I didn't even get my coffee from Dunkin' Donuts; I made it myself each day. The aim was to focus on one thing at a time. Again, my problem is that I am an extremely anxious, and otherwise emotional person. I eat my emotions. I have an addictive personality, but food is my vice. If I were to start doing drugs or put all my focus into something like gambling to relieve some of those emotions, I would need one of those other things as a crutch. It's not something that I can just up and say "well, this week, I'm going to eat normal!" Doesn't work that way. I remember before my wedding, I told someone that I was going to easily lose 40 lbs. in two months, and it actually made me put on weight. I'm blown away that I used to think that I could do it!

So here I am, walking every day and not eating fast food, but still, I have that urge to rush right home from work and stuff myself after a tough day, or maybe stuff myself because I'm agitated at someone, or go out for a night with my husband and stuff myself because "it's my day off". That urge to swing through the drive-thru is something I still have to push away, although it's not overly difficult. Obviously, that isn't going to help with losing weight. Then I remembered how I used to practice zen regularly. I meditated every single day. I was completely emotionally balanced about five years ago, and since my mom passed away, I could never quite find my way back to that inner peace I felt beforehand.

So I recently started to meditate, and it has basically helped me to wake up to my life. I have been working on being present in my body at all times. Whenever I am overcome by some emotion, I return to my breath, and bring back the awareness I have of my body and my surroundings. I'm finding that I am not interested in food anymore, except for the purpose of nourishment. I am finally able to discipline myself (meditation and self-awakening takes a lot of discipline, especially if you are prone to stress like I am, but trust me, it is worth it!) I will talk more about this later on, but for now, I need to sleep (I've also been exercising every day, at my own pace, and it makes me very tired at night, whereas I used to stay up all night because the quality of my sleep was so poor). I'll just leave off by saying this: things are finally becoming clear to me again. My only reason now for wanting to lose weight is to improve my health and the quality of my life, and I think those are the right reasons. I'm interested to see where this takes me, but I will be living in each moment, always, and not worrying about the future! :)