It was strange because this morning (it wasn't even 11:00) I was just sitting here, waiting for my father to call me and let me know when to pick him up from the airport. Earlier this morning, I took a 40 minute walk, and I was feeling pretty good, which is quite a change from how I've been feeling (yesterday, I didn't exercise at all). So not even an hour ago, I was sitting in front of the computer, thinking how I wanted something to eat, even though I'd had a good breakfast only a couple of hours ago. I have a weakness for Chipotle, which I haven't had in months (seems like forever); the reason being that I can't keep myself from ordering a burrito that contains a day's worth of calories and fat. So somehow I got to obsessing over Chipotle, and the next thing I know, I'm on their website (the "order online" menu). I caught myself and used the "I'm having the thought that I want a burrito from Chipotle" technique I learned in the program, and I closed the window. I figured I would have half of my lunch then to get it out of my head, which was leftover Italian Beef Polenta Casserole from last night, with the intention of having the other half at lunch time. Well, I had that and then I saw the ice cream bars in the freezer, and I just couldn't keep myself from thinking about them too! I had the ice cream bar, and now it's not even lunch time and my calories for today already amount to almost 600. I am just dumbfounded at how difficult this is for me, compared to how easy it was in the past. I never found myself struggling with such intense thoughts before. When I weighed in on Monday, I found that I'd only lost 1 lb., which was a hard thing to take in.
Anyway, let me go ahead and explain why these past couple of weeks have been so stressful. First and foremost (I don't think I've talked about any of this yet), I have been having some kind of problem with my thyroid. I have been dealing with intense fatigue and horrible brain fog for at least a couple of years now, which my first doctor just kept shrugging off. She pissed me off for the last time (I won't go into detail) so I went to a new doctor, who found that my thyroid was enlarged on the FIRST VISIT. So he sent me for an ultrasound a couple of months ago, which revealed multiple nodules, one of which is over 2 cm. I followed up on that by getting a thyroid scan at the hospital. I went to see my dr. about the scan and he told me that it showed the nodule is "cold", meaning it is not functional, meaning it is suspicious for cancer. I have to go for a fine needle biopsy on Monday (they will insert the needle into my neck and remove some of the cells, then test them for cancer). This is obviously on my mind a lot, so there's that. (Happy birthday to me btw, LOL).
My father (who, if you don't know, I work for as his paralegal) went away last Wednesday with his father to Florida, just to spend some time with him I guess, because he loves FL. Right now, we have a case in which he was supposed to enter pro hac vice with an attorney who is licensed in MA (he's not licensed outside of RI). The attorney whose name IS on the case does not do trials, but my dad does, and he needed her to sign on to it so he could take this MA case to trial. It ended up in federal court because the client's medical bills (she slipped & fell) exceeded $75,000. Neither of them are licensed to practice in federal court, so my father has been trying to transfer the case to someone who is, but they have not entered their appearance yet. So just after he leaves for FL, the court schedules a pretrial conference. Suddenly, I'm stuck trying like hell to get the judge to allow for a continuance or get the new attorney to enter his appearance, but he's not returning anyone's phone calls. I did a motion for a continuance, which has been a nightmare because everything in federal court must be done electronically, but since no one is licensed in federal court, we can't access the electronic filing system. Finally, I got the defendant's attorney to offer to file it for us. Now it's up to the judge to grant it, but I honestly don't think he's going to because the only time they usually grant them is if the attorney of record is involved in another trial, which is not the case. If he doesn't do it, the attorney who signed on with us will have to go to Boston and go before the judge to do something she's never done before in her life, which is especially not good because she has scheduling issues of her own. This has been driving me crazy all week!
Finally, I am dealing with these very annoying problems that the insurance company has suddenly dealt me. My husband, who works at Foxwoods, pays for health insurance to cover the family. The rule now is that employees and their spouses must meet the following three requirements before October 31 of this year, and every subsequent year, or our medical contribution will increase up to $1,500 per year:
1. We have to get an annual physical.
2. We have to have a "biometrics" form filled out, stating our cholesterol levels, BMI, etc.
3. We have to speak with a wellness coach through the insurance company.
Well, I thought I had done ALL of this already. I had the physical in August... at least the nurse told me it was a physical. I guess though that it wasn't coded as a physical, so it didn't count as one, and now I have to go back for a physical next week. How does that make any sense? I don't know. I...don't...know...
I spoke with what I thought was a wellness coach around the same time (I got the phone # from my husband's employee newsletter, which said "WELLNESS COACH" and a phone number next to it). I guess I called the wrong place! Although, I did speak with someone over the phone about my health and losing weight, etc., and when I asked them if they were a wellness coach, they said yes. I also asked if the phone call would be reported to my husband's employer, and they said yes...so I don't know what the hell is going on with that, I guess I must have called some random place and discussed my health information with them. Try to figure that one out!! So this all has to be done immediately, or we are going to end up paying more for our health insurance, which is not cool.
To top it all off, I have been feeling so bad lately! Yesterday I didn't even go in to work because I was too nervous to drive! I can't describe how I am feeling, it's just the most intense brain fog, like I'm seriously disconnected from reality, and I cannot think clearly. I suppose the stress could be making it worse, so I don't know how to deal with it because I can't relax. All I know is that I hope they can figure out what is going on with me soon and fix it. I cannot see myself dealing with this for the rest of my life. I also started feeling some chest pain with each heartbeat yesterday on two separate occasions, so if that continues, I will have to see what's going on there (maybe it's related to the thyroid? I dunno).
Well, I got way off the topic of emotional eating, but now you can probably understand why this week has really been pushing me to find some kind of comfort somewhere. I am not doing too bad right now, it's just a matter of keeping it that way for the moment. I have to keep reminding myself that I am working too hard to give up now! Thanks for reading, and I will let you know how things go with the biopsy after my follow-up.
